Somewhere, Someday
by SWWoman
Summary: What if John Reese and Joss Carter had met in Iraq during their time in the Army?
1. Chapter 1 - Iraq - Meeting

**This is an AU fic where I explore what might have happened if John and Joss had met in Iraq during the war. The first few chapter focus on how they met and the case they worked on together. Later chapters will take scenes from the show, rework those scenes to reflect the fact that they already knew and cared for each other.**

**As usual, I don't own the characters, I just borrow them.**

**Shout out goes to my peeps, Bug Evans, carolinagirl919 and ReeseisLAVAhot for their all their wonderful suggestions and listening to me whine.**

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><p><strong><em>Chapter 1: Iraq - Meeting<em>**

Lieutenant Jocelyn Carter followed her commander down the dusty path. "Captain, I know I can find that Al Qaida cell, just give me a chance."

Her captain shook his head. "It's too dangerous, Carter. I can't send you into that area. The rebels have attacked seven convoys this month alone."

Carter moved to block the captain's path. "See what I mean? I have to go! They're killing our guys! I have to find them!"

The captain glared and stepped around her. "Send Daniels and his team; that's what they're for."

Carter rolled her eyes. "Oh yeah, that worked out so well last time."

The captain stopped and glared at her again. "You're never going to get over Yusuf, are you?"

Carter stood her ground and glared back. "Would you? If we keep killing the locals we might as well pull up stakes and leave. You know that."

The captain groaned and rubbed a hand over his face. She was right. Carter was always right and that's why he couldn't risk her by sending her into an area contolled by a terrorist cell. She was too damn good to risk. But she was like a pit bull and she going to harass him day and night until he let her go.

"OK, how about this; if you don't want to send me alone, send me with a guy with combat experience, someone to watch my back," Carter proposed.

Her captain paused. "There is that unit of Rangers that just arrived. They're supposed to have seen a lot of combat." The captain scratched his chin thoughtfully. "I'll tell you what, if I can get one of those guys to act as body guard, you can go. If none of them are willing to follow you around and cover your ass then you stay here, got it?"

Carter knew it was the best she was going to get from him so she nodded. "Deal."

The captain sighed and went off to find the find the commander of the Ranger unit.

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><p>The captain looked up when he heard the tap on his door. "Come in," he barked.<p>

A Ranger, Sergeant First Class, entered. "Sergeant Davis reporting as ordered, sir."

Captain Jose Hernandez looked over the man standing at attention on the other side of the desk. He looked like he could handle himself, but could he handle the combative Carter?

"At ease, soldier. I have a mission for you, but it's strictly voluntary, got that?"

Davis's face remained an unreadable mask. "Yes, sir."

Hernandez leaned back in his seat. "Your commander was quite complimentary of you. He says you're the best he's got."

The sergeant gave him a little half smile. "Thank you. I do my best sir."

"The mission consists of following one of my best people around and keeping her alive. There is a prisoner at the forward base who may know the location of an Al Qaida cell. They have killed a lot of our men and she wants to find the cell, badly."

Davis raised an eyebrow. "May I ask, sir, _can_ she find it?"

_Smart man_, Jose thought. _Don't go rushing off on a fool's errand. _He nodded emphatically. "If anyone can, it's her." He meant it.

Davis then simply said, "I'm in."

Hernandez eyed the man. "I'm not done. The area you will be going into is extremely dangerous. Four out of five convoys got hit last week and seven men died. That's why she needs a bodyguard. I won't think any less of you if you decided not to do it. As a matter of fact, I might think more of you for not throwing your life away."

Davis shrugged. "I'm still in. If we can save lives, I'm willing to take the risk. It sounds like she is, too."

Hernandez sighed and rubbed his hand over his face again. He did that a lot when it came to Carter. "Yeah she's committed, make no mistake about that. She is fearless to the point of recklessness.

"I'm not afraid to tell you that I'm not a big fan of this mission. Carter is one of my best. Hell, she _is_ my best. I do not consider her expendable, but she is stubborn and argumentative. When she knows she's right, she will _not_ back down and she knows she's right most of the time. She doesn't see a lot of shades of grey, if you get my meaning.

"If you for any reason feel like she is getting you into a situation that will get one or both of you killed, you have my express permission to disregard her orders. Your take your orders from me and my orders are to bring her back alive and intact. If you have to tie her up and throw her over your shoulder, so be it. Got that?"

Davis barked out a "Yes sir!" but he was smiling. This Carter sounded like a real firecracker. He could hardly wait to meet her.

Hernandez picked up his phone. "Carter, get your ass in here."

A minute later, the door opened behind Davis and he stepped over to allow the newcomer entrance. He looked over for his first glimpse of Carter and was surprised when he had to look down so far.

Carter was approximately ten full inches shorter than Davis, and even in her bulky fatigues, she looked slight. This was the top interrogator at Camp Liberty? Really?

She looked up at him and their eyes met. She had enormous brown eyes that shone with intelligence and purpose. Davis felt a connection to her almost instantly. He blinked in surprise. What could he possibly have in common with this tiny woman?

The captain made his introductions. "Lieutenant Carter, meet Sergeant Davis, your new bodyguard. His orders are to protect you no matter what. Even if that means keeping you from doing something you want to do. The moment he thinks the situation is too dangerous he is to pull you out and bring you back here."

Carter started to open her mouth to protest but Hernandez cut her off by raising his hand in a stop gesture. "It's either that or you don't go. Period."

Carter shut her mouth, her dark eyes angry. "Yes, SIR!" she snapped.

Hernandez almost smiled. "There is a convoy to the forward base at oh six hundred in the morning. You have seats. Dismissed."

Carter and Davis both saluted and left. "Come on, Sergeant. I'll bring you up to speed on the case."

Davis obediently followed her to a desk in the outer office that she shared with a couple of other interrogators. It seemed the other interrogators were out; they were the only ones in the office.

Carter dragged a chair over to her desk for Davis and he sat next to her while she flipped open the folder that was sitting on top of the pile. "We can talk freely. Phelps is on leave in Kuwait and Thompson and Plinsky are interrogating prisoners."

Carter began pulling photographs out of the folder and briefed Davis on the cell she had been chasing for several weeks. She was convinced that the forward base was holding a young man who was a member of the cell and she was certain she could break him if she could get to the base.

As she talked, Davis watched her carefully. She was articulate, intelligent, and made a convincing argument. Davis focused on her rich, full lips as she spoke and her passion for the job pulled him in. He had to admit, he was a willing victim. There was something about her. Something that just made him believe her, understand her, and want to protect her.

He asked questions and got straight answers until he was satisfied and fully understood what he was getting into. Carter was pleased by his attention to detail and by the end of her briefing, she felt like this was a man she could trust and rely on in the field. In Hernandez's office, when their eyes first met, she had felt something

However, Carter was not given to flights of fancy and she discounted it. She was afraid that her loneliness was making her susceptible to developing feelings she shouldn't have for another man. The letters from home had been infrequent lately. She mostly heard from her mom and the few letters from her husband had been distant and impersonal. She knew things in her marriage were rapidly deteriorating and there was not a damn thing she could do about it from the other side of the planet. This handsome Sergeant could be dangerous for both her marriage and her career.

She snuck a look at him while he wasn't looking. His eyes were the most marvelous shade of blue and they belied a high intelligence behind them. Those eyes were surrounded by dark thick lashes that splayed out on his cheeks when they closed. His cheek bones were sharp enough to cut glass and his profile was nearly perfect. He had a rich tan and a ready smile that made his eyes twinkle with mischief.

Yeah, this guy could be trouble for her lonely heart all right. Thank God for those rules against fraternization between enlisted and officers. She was going to cling to that as long as she could to protect herself.

They agreed to meet at the convoy the next morning and went their separate ways for dinner.

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><p>Carter entered the dining hall and spied her roommate Mary Dean sitting at the table by herself. It was still early in the dinner service and their regular crowd had not yet arrived. Carter got her food and went to sit with her best friend.<p>

Mary smiled, showing the deepest dimples Joss had ever seen. "I hear you got yourself one gorgeous hunk of man for a bodyguard," she purred in her soft Savannah accent.

Joss looked startled and then grinned at her friend. She should know better than to be surprised by how fast news could travel on base. It was like living in a small town. "Yeah, he's a Ranger. He's got gorgeous blue eyes and he's got to be at least six two. Jealous?"

Mary moaned. "Oh my god, _yes_! Does he have a brother?"

Joss shrugged. "The conversation never got that far, but there's a whole Ranger unit out there waiting for you, girl."

Mary laughed. "I'll leave your man for you. Seriously Joss, if he is half as pretty as Stacey in Supply says, you need to blow off some stress with him."

Joss got very somber. She would love nothing more, but there was a big problem. "I'm married, remember?" she said glumly.

Mary got a bit huffy. "And your husband is on the other side of the planet and he hasn't written you or called in weeks! You need a distraction, a six foot two distraction."

Joss pushed her food around on her plate. Yes, she was lonely but Jocelyn Carter wasn't the type to push her marriage vows aside so casually. Besides, she did have hopes of reviving her marriage once she shipped home in a couple of months. If she screwed around, it could doom that plan to failure before it even got off the ground. She had to do the right thing for Taylor, and right now that was to try and keep his parents together.

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><p>Across Camp Liberty, John Davis was leaning against a wall in the enlisted men's barracks chatting with Alejandro "Paddy" Padilla, when another Sergeant strolled by. The other man glanced over, saw Davis' name on his uniform and stopped.<p>

"You're Davis? The poor bastard who got assigned to follow Lieutenant Carter around?" he asked.

Davis looked over at the man, somewhat confused by his attitude. He seemed to think there was something wrong with his assignment.

"Yes, I'm Davis and yes I'm assigned to protect Lt. Carter while she's at the forward base," Davis said slowly with a bit of a scowl on his face.

The sergeant snorted contemptuously. "I don't envy you pal, she is one uptight bitch. Bet if she swallowed a lump of coal, she'd shit a diamond."

Davis managed to hide his anger at the man's attitude. Davis was also surprised that he wanted to wring the man's neck for talking about Carter that way. He'd only been on the job for a few hours now and he was already feeling intensely protective towards her.

He kept his voice casual, betraying no anger, since he wanted to get information from this man. "Oh really? She seemed pretty normal enough to me."

The other man, who Davis could see was named Daniels, snorted in contempt again. Davis balled his fist, but gave no other outward sign that he was ready to force feed Daniels his own teeth. "Yeah, that bitch managed to talk some local into showing us where some bomb vests were kept. Things got hairy, there was a firefight, and the local didn't make it." Daniels winked at Davis, and he had a bad feeling the local was hung out to dry.

Daniels continued on with his story. "She was pretty upset." Daniels used a falsetto voice to imitate Carter, "_I promised him I would protect him. You can't just play god_ she said. She was actually upset that one of those terrorists had a face to face with Allah. Can you believe it?"

Davis leveled his most intense stare at Daniels. "Yes I can, actually," he said softly in a menacing near-whisper that signaled to Paddy that Davis was quite angry now.

Daniels sputtered like he could not believe that Davis would take Carter's side. "But it was just another freaking terrorist! Who cares?"

Davis did not break his stare. "She promised him and her promise was broken. That's all you need to know."

Daniels shrugged. "Whatever, you two should make a nice couple," he retorted and walked off shaking his head.

Paddy looked over at his Sergeant. "Wow, what a tool."

Davis looked grim. "You got that right." But he remained surprised that such criticism of Carter made him so angry.

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><p>The next morning at 6am sharp, the convoy rolled out of the gates of Camp Liberty, heading for the forward base where the prisoner was being held. Carter and Davis were stuffed into the back of the third Humvee in line along a few dozen boxes of ammo and other supplies.<p>

They were the only passengers and the driver was listening to Armed Forces Radio, so they were able to speak freely as long as they kept their voices down.

Davis was feeling pretty awkward. Because of the cargo, he and Carter were crammed together hip to hip. Davis was forced to rest his right arm on the seat behind her, like they were on some sort of high school date. She pretended not to notice. Davis suspected that as a female soldier, a black one at that, she probably pretended not to notice a lot of things.

To cover his awkwardness he decided to ask about Daniels.

"I met someone last night."

"Was she pretty?" Carter asked with a saucy smile.

Davis laughed. Carter resolved to make him laugh more often. "No, he was ugly as sin. A sergeant named Daniels."

Carter's smile immediately disappeared from her face and she looked down at her hands in her lap. "He's not my number one fan," she said softly.

"I gathered that," Davis said wryly. "Want to tell me what happened? He said you were upset over the death of an Iraqi informant."

"Yusuf. His name was Yusuf," she said softly.

"Tell me about him," Davis prompted.

Carter eyes were still focused on her hands as she picked at a fingernail. She shrugged. "If you really want to hear it."

"We have four more hours before we hit the forward base," Davis told her with a small smile.

Carter sighed; he could tell this was a painful topic for her. "Yusuf was a taxi driver. He was brought in because his taxi was being used to deliver bomb vests for suicide bombers. We knew the vests were being manufactured and stored somewhere in the area, but we hadn't been able to find it. My job was to break Yusuf and make him tell us where the vests were."

She sounded so sad that Davis wanted to wrap her in his arms and hold her. But he doubted that she would welcome it, so he simply said, "Go on."

"I did it. I got him to agree to show us where the vests were. He wasn't a terrorist; he wasn't cooperating with them because he wanted to. He was only doing it because he was scared of them and what they would do this family if he didn't cooperate."

Davis nodded. It was a common tactic of Al Qaida to threaten families of uncooperative locals in order to force them to do the organization's bidding.

Carter sighed and continued. "Yusuf didn't want to tell us anything. He said he would rather die than put his family in danger. I convinced him that I would protect him and his family, so he finally agreed to go with Daniels and show them where the vests were manufactured and stored. He didn't come back... I still don't know why.

"I promised him he would be safe and he still died. All he wanted to do was go home to his family, just like all the rest of us.

"Daniels didn't even care. I'm pretty sure he didn't even try to protect Yusuf. Hell, he might even have put the bullet in Yusuf himself for all I know. Daniels even had the audacity to get mad at me and tell me I had better figure which side I was on, because I was all alone."

Davis seriously wished he had beaten the crap out of Daniels the previous night. "Carter, listen to me. Daniels was wrong; you're not alone. You have every right to be upset over Yusuf's death. Daniels betrayed you both. I won't do that, I swear."

Carter finally took her eyes off her lap and looked up at him. She even managed to give him a small smile for being so understanding. "Thanks, that means a lot to me."


	2. Chapter 2 - Iraq - Ambush

**Thanks to everyone for your lovely reviews for chapter 1! Let me clear something up here, John Davis is John Reese. Remember Reese is the name that Kara Stanton gave him his first day in the field. From what we saw of his military file in _Many Happy Returns_, we know John's real last name is 5 characters long and the last character is 'S'. There are quite a few names that fit that description, and I have chosen to use the name Davis in my fics.**

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><p><strong><em>Iraq - Ambush<em>**

The prisoner lunged across the table for Carter's throat, wrapping his hands around her neck and squeezing tight while she desperately tried to push him off. Davis was on him in one bound, running his fingers through Rashad's hair until he had a tight grip and then smashing his face forward into the table. Rashad immediately went limp and his fingers fell from Carter's neck.

Davis began examining Carter's injuries. No serious damage was done, but she would have some serious bruises for a while.

"I'm fine, sergeant," she grumbled and tried to push Davis away.

Rashad stirred and looked up, blinking in confusion. Davis casually grabbed his hair and smashed his face back into the table knocking him out again.

Carter frowned. "I can't interrogate him if he's unconscious!"

Davis gave her a cocky smile. "You need a break. I don't think this is working anyway. Let's go get a soda in the mess and rethink our strategy."

Carter folded her arms and raised an eyebrow. "Our strategy? _Our_?"

"We're a team until Captain Hernandez says otherwise, Carter. I'm here, use me."

Carter tried to not think about all the different pleasurable uses she had for him that had nothing to do with interrogation. Then she kicked herself and got back to business.

"OK, let's talk."

Davis smiled that devastating smile at her. "Ever play Good Cop, Bad Cop?"

Over lunch they mapped out their strategy. They returned to the brig and Davis took over the interrogation.

Davis sat opposite Rashad and stared at the prisoner for a few seconds using the most penetrating stare that Carter had ever seen. Rashad squirmed and then seemed to shrink in his chair under that intense gaze. Carter was rather surprised he didn't burst into flames; she was beginning to squirm and the stare wasn't even directed at her.

Then Davis began speaking softly in a menacing, whispery voice that somehow managed to make the hair on the back of Carter's neck stand up and cause a rush of heat between her legs simultaneously.

"Well Rashad, here we are. You know, you're not much good to us unless you talk."

Rashad tried to play tough, but it was clear he was overmatched. "I'll tell you NOTHING!" he hissed at Davis.

Davis smiled, but the smile did not reach his eyes. They remained cold and flat as he stared at Rashad. "Oh, you will."

Carter watched, fascinated as Davis got in Rashad's face. He badgered Rashad. He yelled at the prisoner. He threatened. He had Rashad quivering with fear. This went on for several hours.

Rashad continued to resist all of Davis's attempts at persuasion and finally Davis had had enough and he lunged for Rashad, but Carter swiftly stepped in between them. "Stand down soldier!" she barked.

"He's not talking. Let's just get rid of him," Davis growled. He turned his head so Rashad could not see his face and he winked at her.

"Take a break soldier." Her voice was harsh, but with her back to Rashad she beamed at Davis and winked back.

Davis turned and stiffly left the room.

"He's crazy!" Rashad shouted from his corner.

Carter turned to Rashad, her face sympathetic. "I'm sorry, did he hurt you?" she asked, her voice dripping with concern. She gave him a water bottle and listened sympathetically while Rashad complained of his treatment. Gently, delicately she led the conversation around to the Al Qaida cell.

Rashad told her everything she wanted to know and then some.

After Rashad had finished spilling his guts to Carter, he was escorted from the room and Carter walked out the door. Davis was leaning against the wall waiting for her with a big grin on his face. The deadly, menacing man was completely erased and the gentle, kind man had returned.

Carter could not help but return his smile. "We make a good team."

Davis nodded. "Yep, we do. I think a celebration is in order. I hear the dining hall is serving meatloaf tonight."

Carter threw back her head and laughed. "Oh, you know how to treat a lady."

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><p>The next morning, they hitched a ride with a convoy that was heading back to Camp Liberty. They were in an elated mood; the mission was a complete success. Joss had passed the location of the Al Qaida base onto the strike team and they were informed─ just before they left─ that the air strike was planned for later that day.<p>

They had been on the road for a couple of hours, approaching the halfway point. Davis and Carter were cheerfully swapping war stories with other soldiers in the Humvee, when Davis idly glanced out of the window next to him.

"Get down!" he yelled as he dove out of the vehicle dragging Carter along with him. Just as they hit the ground outside, all hell broke loose.

The Humvee they had just vacated exploded in a fire ball and rolled over. Joss didn't see anyone else get out. Then the shooting and screaming started. Davis pushed her to the ground, covering her with his body as much as he could.

"Stay down," he ordered as he began firing at the insurgents. Joss was on her stomach on the ground while Davis crouched over her, firing at everything that moved. Joss drew her handgun and did her best to return fire as well, but the fighting was churning up so much dust that it was difficult to see.

Every vehicle in their convoy was destroyed. One by one they went up in fireballs and parts were scattered over the road. Carter could feel the heat from the fires and the acrid smoke burned her throat. Shrapnel shredded one arm of her jacket. She heard the cries of the wounded, and worse, she heard them stop screaming when they died. She had never seen combat before and she hoped she would never see it again.

Davis reacted with calmness under fire that was almost supernatural in Carter's estimation. He never flinched; he just calmly picked off their attackers one by one. Carter, from her prone position watched in horror as one of the other soldiers took a bullet to the head and went down without a sound. She slithered over to the fallen man and took his rifle and extra ammo, using it to cover Davis's back as he took down enemy after enemy. She owed her life to the sergeant; she was not about to let anything happen to him. She knelt back to back with him and took out a couple of enemy combatants as well.

When the shooting was finally over, Davis looked at Carter. "Are you OK?" he asked grimly. Carter looked up at him wide-eyed and nodded tightly while she battled back tears. "A few cuts from shrapnel, nothing serious."

Davis laid a gentle hand on her arm. "First time in combat?' he asked softly. Carter nodded again.

"You did good Carter." He indicated the bodies of the men she had shot while covering his back. "You probably saved my life."

"You saved mine by dragging me out the Humvee, so we're even I guess." Carter looked around and realized the she didn't see or hear another person moving. "Oh my God, Davis, are we the only survivors?"

"Stay here and stay down. I'll check."

Normally, Carter would have argued, but she decided to let the man who had the combat experience handle this. She was shaking so hard, she wasn't sure if she could get to her feet anyway. She needed to lay there for a few minutes.

Davis returned quickly. "There's no one else," he reported tersely. Carter closed her eyes and squeezed back the tears.

"Can we call for help?" she whispered.

Davis shook his head. "All the radios were destroyed with the vehicles, but once they realize we're overdue, they'll send out a search party." He indicated a low hill several hundred yards away. "I think I saw a cave; let's wait there. We'll be out of the sun and it will be easier to defend if more rebels come looking for their friends."

Davis held out his hand and helped Carter to her feet. Despite the grim circumstances, she couldn't help the little thrill that ran through her body at his touch. She and Davis gathered as much spare ammo as they could carry, a couple of canteens, and a first aid kit and began trudging to the cave. They reached it without incident and stashed their gear inside.

Carter opened a canteen and took a long drink of water to clear her throat of the sand, grit, and smoke from the firefight. She passed it to Davis and he took a drink while he looked outside.

"Sun's going down. They probably won't send a search party until morning."

"So we're stuck here for the night. Great," Carter grumbled.

Davis looked around the cave. "Well, it's not the Hilton."

Carter snorted. "It's not even the No Tell Motel."

Davis laughed. "I won't ask you how you know that. We should be safe here, at least for tonight."

"Thanks to you," Carter said softly.

Davis shrugged. "That's why I'm here."

"Well, I'm for one am glad. I owe you for saving my life."

"It's my job." Davis said with a trace of embarrassment.

Carter could not help but smile at the shy man in front of her. She liked him; she liked him a lot. She liked him more than she should. She let her eyes travel up his lean frame as he took his jacket off leaving him in a T-shirt. That T-shirt did nothing to hide his muscular chest and flat abs. Her eyes moved up his neck to his gorgeous face with the perfect profile and blue eyes framed by rich dark lashes. It was all topped off by coal black hair and what had to be the most adorable cowlick in Iraq.

SHIT! What was she thinking? Time to change the subject.

"Are you hungry?" she asked, taking off her own jacket. It was miserably hot in the cave, but at least they were out of the sun.

John looked over at Carter. He loved looking at her when she was in her t-shirt. She had a trim figure that the camos simply could not hide. Even Army issue desert camouflage pants could not hide that magnificent ass. Her stomach was flat and her rack was nothing short of incredible. She had a huge brilliant smile that could light a street and big dark eyes that shined with intelligence.

Wait, did she just say something? "I'm sorry, did you say something Carter?"

She smiled that smile at him again. "I asked if you were hungry."

Davis returned her smile, his blue eyes dancing. "Why? Are you cooking?"

"Sure," she said reaching in the satchel that she used to carry case files. The strap had been slung across her body, so when John had dragged her from the Humvee, it had come along for the ride. She pulled out two energy bars and tossed one over to Davis. "Dinner is served."

Davis grinned his boyish grin at her again. "Thanks Lieutenant." He opened it and took a bite. "You're a good cook."

Carter laughed at him and took a bite of her bar. "If you ever are in New York City, look me up and I'll cook you my special lasagna."

Davis decided he liked the sound of her laugh too. "Sounds good, I love Italian food." He ate the last bite of his bar.

Carter decided she wanted to keep him talking. His voice sounded different. It had lost the Sergeant's authoritative bark and it was softer, sexier. "All my family is in New York. Where's your family?"

"Don't have one," he said softly.

Carter arched an eyebrow at him. "Not even parents? You sprang whole from the earth complete with rifle and sergeant's stripes?"

He smiled at that. "No my dad died when I was a kid and my mom died a few years ago. I was an only child."

"I'm sorry." Carter felt bad about the joke.

"Don't be. What about you?"

"Married, one kid." Davis's heart sank. He did not want to hear the M word.

"You have a picture?"

Carter reached into her satchel and pulled out a photograph. It was a picture of a smiling Carter with a tall, handsome black man– obviously her husband– and a smiling boy who looked to be around four or five.

"This was taken just before I shipped out. Taylor has probably doubled in size since I saw him." There was a slight quaver in her voice. John realized it must have been so hard for her to have been separated from loved ones, probably much harder than just being alone like him.

"Cute kid. Is your husband in the military?"

"Yeah, he's Army too. He's home now and in about a month I head home. Couple months after that, he heads to Afghanistan."

"That must be hard on a marriage," Davis remarked.

Carter looked sad. "It's what we signed up for. How come you never married?"

"There was one woman I wanted to marry, but she couldn't hack military life." Davis blinked, he could not believe he was telling her this. He hadn't told anyone about Jessica before, but he found Carter so easy to talk to that it just came naturally.

"Why didn't you quit then?" Carter was shocked she was asking so many personal questions, but she needed to know him. She knew that her time with him was short and she wanted to connect with him as much as possible.

"You are quite the interrogator, aren't you?" Davis said with a smirk on his face.

Carter hung her head. "Sorry, occupational hazard I guess. Forget I asked."

Davis looked at her as she fiddled with the wrapper from her energy bar and bit her lip. He realized that he did want to answer the question; he wanted her to know him. "It's OK. I was going to quit, then 9/11 happened and I realized all I knew was how to be a soldier. She was an incredible woman, but she wasn't cut out to be a soldier's wife. So I let her go."

Carter's heart hurt for this man. She hadn't known him long, but she did know that he was a good man and he deserved the love of a good woman. "That must have been hard to leave her behind."

He shrugged. "You do what you have to do." He checked his watch. "Go ahead and try to get some sleep. I'll take first watch."

"Not sure how much sleep I'll get," Carter said as she settled down in a sitting position with her back against the cave wall.

Davis slipped his jacket back on and grabbed his rifle. "Try and get some. I have no idea what the morning will bring, but it will be easier if you're rested."

"Yes, _sir_," Carter barked, but Davis didn't see her smile because his back was to her.

Davis stopped and turned around. "I'm sorry, Lieutenant. I forgot my place."

Carter gazed up at him, her eyes regretful. "No, I'm the one who should be sorry, Sergeant. I was kidding, really. You know what you're doing out here, I don't. Issue all the orders you need to."

Davis wondered what she would do if he ordered her to kiss him. He threw cold water on himself. As desirable as she was, she was married and an officer– completely unattainable for him.

"Just get as much rest as you can, I'll check on you in a while." He fled to the mouth of the cave to keep watch before he did anything stupid.

Carter watched him walk away, noticing that he moved with the grace of the natural athlete. She found him completely mesmerizing.

Carter tried to doze, but as soon as the sun slipped below the horizon the desert grew cold. When she began shivering, she gave up and went to the mouth of the cave where Davis was standing guard.

"Can't sleep?" he asked when he she appeared beside him.

"Too cold," she sighed and rubbed her arms. "Let me take over, maybe you can get some sleep."

Davis shook his head. "I doubt I'll be able to sleep either. Come on."

Curious, Joss followed him back into the cave. "We're going to have to huddle together for warmth tonight; it's cooling down very fast out there."

Carter opened her mouth to protest then shut it. As much as she was afraid that cuddling with John Davis was going to open up a can of worms that she really didn't want to open, he was right. It was already very cold and all they had for warmth was each other.

He sat down with his back against the rock wall and Carter snuggled up to his side. They put their arms around each other and Carter put her head on his shoulder.

John began gently rubbing her arms. "Go to sleep, Carter," he commanded in his soft voice. It wasn't long before she complied, feeling safe and secure.

* * *

><p>The next morning, Carter woke up; aware she was using another human for a pillow. "Good morning," an amused voice rumbled. Carter looked up and froze. John's lips were mere inches from hers. They stared at each other for a few seconds, both acutely aware they wanted to kiss each other, but not sure how the other one would take it.<p>

They were saved only by the whump-whump sounds coming from overhead. "Helicopter. The rescue party is here," John said and they both raced outside to flag it down.

* * *

><p>A few days later, Carter was walking to the dining hall with her friend Marco when she saw a unit preparing to ship out. Men were racing around loading supplies and shouting at each other.<p>

Carter turned her head to look at all the commotion. "Who's shipping out today?" she asked idly.

Marco didn't even look up. "The Ranger unit, I think. There's a bad insurgent problem down by An Najaf and they're going down to help."

Carter caught herself just in time to keep her step from faltering. Davis was shipping out! Her heart sank to the pit of her stomach as she realized she would probably never see him again. She bit her lip; she wanted to see him one last time.

"Hey, I forgot something. I'll catch up to you in a few minutes, OK?" She forced herself to sound cheerful.

"Okay, see you in a few," Marco replied and kept on walking towards the mess hall without looking back.

Carter hurried as quickly as she could over towards the convoy and stood hidden in the shade of a motor pool building as she searched for him. He was easy to spot, even in all the organized chaos. All she had to do was scan over the heads of the other soldiers; his 6'2" frame stood out. She easily spotted him by one of the transports as he herded his men onto the vehicle.

Carter blinked back the tears that she knew were not caused by the grit and sand thrown up by the activity. Regardless of Army rules and regulations, she was going to miss that man; she was going to miss him terribly. More than any officer should miss an enlisted man. More than a married woman should miss a man who was not her husband. She watched intently as he got his men loaded and then easily swung his lean body into the transport with his usual grace and secured the door behind him.

* * *

><p>Davis wasn't too happy to hear first thing in the morning that his unit was shipping out. He secretly hoped that he could "accidentally" run into Carter at least a few more times, maybe even be assigned to work another case with her. But he was a good soldier and he accepted that he would never see the interrogator again, no matter how much he wanted to. It was probably for the best anyway. He had been having some very unprofessional thoughts about the lovely officer being out of uniform…<p>

He performed his duties in his usual exemplary manner while keeping a watchful eye out for an opportunity to slip away briefly and maybe say goodbye to Carter. But no such opportunity presented itself. The last minute, unplanned nature of their assignment meant that he was completely occupied with getting his men ready to move out and he couldn't and wouldn't shirk that responsibility.

He wondered if she would think of him once his transport left the base. He wondered how she'd gotten under his skin after he swore no one would touch his heart after Jessica. He wondered if maybe, just maybe, he'd gotten under her skin as well.

But it didn't matter, he told himself. She was an officer and he was enlisted and the Army was quite clear that the two should not mix. Besides, she was married with a child. She was unattainable even if the Army wasn't standing in their way.

So John told himself it was better this way, that they would never see each other again. They didn't belong together since she belonged to another. It was time for him to stop mooning over her and get on with his work. She probably would not give him a second thought. Still he couldn't help but feel sad about it; they had shared an incredible connection these last few days. They complimented each other unbelievably well, and he would miss that connection terribly.

Davis gracefully swung himself into his transport and shut the door behind him, shutting down that particular train of thought. He settled into his seat and the transport lurched forward, taking him away from Camp Liberty and on to his next assignment.

As the transport rolled forward, he idly glanced over at the motor pool building and he saw a movement in shadows. He froze in disbelief as he realized it was Carter standing there, watching him. Their eyes locked for a brief second and she smiled at him. He smiled back, his eyes dancing with happiness. She had come to see him off; she _had_ felt that connection too.

John wanted to jump out of that truck and run to her. He wanted to tell her everything he had been thinking but couldn't and didn't say. He wanted to throw his arms around her and feel her small body pressed against his once again.

But he didn't do any of those things. He finally admitted to himself that it wasn't because the Army would frown on it or because she was married. He didn't do it because he was scared. Scared of his feelings for the combative lieutenant. Scared that she would reject him. Scared that he couldn't be the man she needed, because all he knew was how to be a soldier.

So in the end, he settled for her farewell smile and for the thought that she cared enough about him to come to say good bye. She _did_ feel that connection and it was important enough for her to come down here and watch him go.

It would have to do.

* * *

><p>Carter watched until the transport was out of sight. He had seen her and he had smiled like he was happy to see her. Maybe he thought of her as something other than "that annoying bitch" like everyone else seemed to think of her. Maybe he would miss her, too.<p>

Mentally, Joss kicked herself. What was she doing chasing after an enlisted man when she was married and an officer? It didn't matter if the tall handsome Sergeant would miss her, nor did it matter how much she would miss him. Fate was a cruel mistress and she had brought them together at the exact wrong time and place.

Still, she thought as she turned to join Marco in the dining hall, it was nice to have not been alone; to know that someone with his skills and sense of honor had her back. She had never felt as safe as she had these last few days in the middle of a war zone. Sure she had her coworkers and for the most part she had earned their respect, but as a black woman in a man's world she had always felt somewhat alone. Nevertheless, for some bizarre reason that white man had made her feel cared for. There were no words for how much she would miss that feeling.


	3. Chapter 3 - After Iraq

**_After Iraq_**

Carter thought of Davis often after he shipped out on that hot, dusty day at Camp Liberty. Two days later she was asked to go to another base, this one maintained by Marines, to help question a large contingent of prisoners they had just captured. It wasn't supposed to be a dangerous assignment, the area around the base was considered friendly, so her captain let her go without protest this time.

Unfortunately, there is no safe place in war and as she was being escorted by a Marine, he stepped on a land mine not far outside of the gates of the base. They both heard the click as the mine armed itself, and Carter had just enough time to look into the man's eyes to see the fear there before the mine exploded. The marine was killed instantly and a large hole was torn in Carter's side. She had emergency surgery in a field hospital and was then airlifted to the hospital at Ramstein Air Base in Germany to finish her recovery.

Joss was later given a Purple Heart and an early trip home. While she was happy to be back with her family, she had some nightmares to work through.

Her husband Paul shipped out for Afghanistan about a couple of months after she got back and she busied herself with treating her war wounds, both physical and mental. She tried working as a lawyer, taking a position at a small firm, but was bored to tears. She'd always had the drive to help and protect people, and she had thought the law would be a good way to satisfy that drive. It soon became apparent that the law was about tedious paperwork and the opportunities to really make a difference were few and far between, so she searched for something else.

Then one day she saw an ad, the Police Academy was accepting applications and encouraging former military personnel to apply. As Carter read through the ad she realized this is what she was meant to do. She could make a real difference in the world, putting bad guys away and helping people. The police department's motto, "To Serve and To Protect" described the exact the job she was looking for. She quit the law firm and enrolled in the Police Academy.

Paul saw some heavy combat overseas and was set home early due to wounds he received in the fighting. His physical wounds healed swiftly, but the mental ones would take years to heal. Joss did her best to help him, but Paul was not accepting help. She encouraged him to go to the VA and seek counseling, but his pride would not allow him to do so.

Paul's PTSD consumed him to the point that Joss came home one evening to find him asleep on the kitchen floor cuddling a gun in his arms while Taylor slept peacefully on the other side of the wall in his room. With a heavy heart, Joss realized that she had to choose her son over her husband. She ordered Paul out of the house and began divorce proceedings.

The entire ordeal was a very trying time for her, but at night, in the privacy of her bedroom, Carter would have erotic dreams about the man with a pair of soft blue eyes and a sexy smile. She clung to her memories of that night in the cave to get her through the bad times and it worked. The divorce was finalized and she survived and emerged on the other side stronger than before.

After she made detective, Carter decided to celebrate by doing something for herself, something she had wanted to do for quite some time. She called her friend in the Army records department and asked for a favor; she asked for Sergeant Davis's file.

Her friend came through for her. About a week after she made the call, a package arrived at the precinct. She got a little thrill when she saw it was from the Army.

Carter took the package home with her that night. After she got Taylor into bed, she tore open the thick envelope and pulled the folder out. She was looking forward to seeing what had happened to the handsome Sergeant Davis. If Carter had been honest with herself, she would have told herself that she was hoping that Davis was unmarried and available. Maybe she wouldn't have to be alone anymore.

She eagerly opened the folder and the first thing she saw was his picture. He was looking straight into the camera and scowling a bit like the light was in his eyes, but he was still incredibly handsome. Gently she ran her fingers over his face tracing the features she remembered so well.

Finally she put aside his picture and started reading his file. Born in Puyallup Washington. Stationed at Fort Lewis. Graduated the top of his class from Sniper School. Then she read the _Current Whereabouts_ section and she froze.

Davis was listed as _Deceased, Killed in action_.

Carter felt like all the air was sucked out the room and her heart stopped. Davis was dead. She would never again have the chance to look in those gorgeous eyes or hear his soft voice. Her one and only chance had slipped through her fingers in that damn cave because she was too much of a stickler for the rules to grab it. She had protected a marriage that wasn't worth protecting and lost both the marriage and her chance to be happy.

She would give anything to go back in time and plant that kiss on him before the choppers arrived. She bitterly wished she had told him that she would like a chance with him. She put her head in her hands and sobbed for the loss of something beautiful that would never be. She was alone and always would be. She would just have to accept that.

* * *

><p>She had no way of knowing that Davis wasn't really dead, and sadly he had no way of knowing that she was looking for him.<p>

After Davis and his unit shipped out, they were involved in some of the heaviest fighting of the war. It was several weeks before they were able to make it to another base for some R&R.

As soon as his unit pulled in, John thought about how he could get news of Carter. He would casually ask men from other units if they had been to Camp Liberty until he finally found someone who had recently arrived from the base.

Unfortunately it was bad news. "I heard one of their interrogators stepped on a landmine," the recently arrived corporal told John.

Davis managed to keep his face impassive, but inside he was dying. "What happened?"

The corporal shrugged. "I just know what I heard in the dining hall. Marines captured a whole load of prisoners and asked for help interrogating them. Liberty sent a few people and one of them stepped on a landmine."

Davis's heart was hammering in his chest. "Was she killed?"

The man shrugged again. "I think someone died, but I don't know who. You know one of them?"

Davis nodded. "Yeah, I worked with one. She was a good soldier and a good woman"

The corporal looked sympathetic. "I'm sorry to hear it. If you see Corporal Young over in that office over there, he can get you more intel."

Davis nodded gratefully. "Thanks."

He walked toward the building, using every calming technique he'd learned in Sniper School to keep from breaking into a dead run. He entered the building and asked for Corporal Young. He was directed to a dweeby looking guy in a corner desk. John would have laughed if he hadn't been so worried about Carter. The guy looked like a prototype for Radar in M*A*S*H.

The cheerful little clerk looked up as John approached. "Can I help you?"

John licked his lips nervously. "Yes, I understand you might be able to tell me about an interrogator from Camp Liberty who was hurt. She was helping out at a Marine base and stepped on a land mine."

The clerk nodded. "I think I saw that report. Did you know her?"

John nodded tightly. "Yes," he barely managed to say.

Young, sensing Davis's distress quickly replied, "I'm sorry." He shuffled through some papers until he found what he was looking for. Silently the clerk handed the report over to John.

Davis quickly scanned through the report. The bile rose in his throat when he saw Carter's name, but he felt some tiny bit of relief when he saw that she was not the person who actually stepped on the mine. The marine was listed as killed, but there was no mention of Carter's condition. John knew that probably meant she survived the initial explosion, but he also knew how dangerous land mines were. She had probably been hurt badly and there was no guarantee that she would have survived her wounds.

Young was watching him and saw John's reaction. "Was it your friend?" he asked kindly.

Davis handed the list back. "Yes, Lieutenant Carter. She and I worked on a case together. She found the headquarters of an Al Qaida cell that was killing a lot of our guys."

Young looked impressed. "Wow. She sounds special."

Davis managed a weak smile. "She is."

Young glanced at the report. "Well, tell you what. I can make a few phone calls, try and get some more information for you."

"Thank you."

Young nodded. "No problemo."

The next day, Young came looking for John. "Your gal had a bad wound, but no permanent damage was done. She was sent home last week."

John clamped a hand on Young's shoulder. "Thanks, I appreciate it."

Young grinned back at him. "Happy to do it." The young corporal turned and walked back to his office whistling with happiness over doing his good deed, completely missing the sad expression on the sergeant's face.

Davis grieved for the fact that he would never see her again, but at least she was home with her family.

Davis was ripe for the picking when the CIA came calling the next year.

* * *

><p><em>March 2010<em>

Davis, who now went by the name Reese, slept holding his partner against him. He suddenly woke with jerk and for a confused moment he thought he was back in the cave in Iraq, holding Carter to his chest. He managed to suppress his disappointment when he realized he wasn't in the cave and he wasn't with Carter. He was in a bombed out house on the border of Kuwait and he was with Kara Stanton, his CIA partner and self-appointed tormentor.

"Time to get up sleepyhead," Kara chirped in fake happy voice and planted a kiss on him. "I wanted to be sure we had some alone time before we met that informant."

Reese growled. He knew that meant Kara was horny. Fine with him, he wanted to work off some tension too. He got to his feet and pulled Kara up. He slammed her against the wall and kissed her hard. She eagerly returned the kiss with one of her own that was just as hard and completely devoid of any love or caring. Kara liked her sex rough and without any messy emotional connections. Reese was perfectly happy to get rough with her and let out his anger. He was angry with Kara for not being Jessica or Carter and he was angry with himself for getting trapped with a psychopath partner who was slowly sucking the humanity out of him like some sort of vampire.

Gone was the man who had made gentle tender love to Jessica in the Mexican Hotel room. Gone was the man who had connected emotionally to and fallen for Lt. Carter in the middle of a war zone. He had been replaced by a stone cold killer who destroyed too many lives, some innocent and some not so innocent, to ever find redemption. Reese never wanted to walk in the dark, but he was trapped with no way out except death.

Reese poured his anger and frustration into the body of the woman who had been instrumental in ruining him. He bit her shoulder hard enough to draw blood and twisted her nipples hard enough to cause pain, but she loved it, and purred with delight. She returned his "affections" with her own and bit his bottom lip hard enough that he could taste the coppery blood in his mouth.

Kara's hands fumbled with his belt buckle while she continued savage his mouth, he felt his pants drop, and then his boxers followed. She undid her own belt buckle and her pants followed his down to the floor.

He swiftly entered her, not caring if she was wet enough to take him. She moaned with pleasure, which made him even angrier. Dammit, she was not either of the women he wanted to make love to; they were both half a world away, with families and lives that had no room for fallen men like him. He focused his frustrations on the woman he currently had pinned against a rough stone wall and viciously pounded out his anger into her eager and willing body.

"Oh God, more John, more!" Kara screamed. Reese was more than happy to oblige.

Finally, she sagged against him, sated at last. Reese continued thrusting until he emptied himself into her and then pulled out without a word. As he was pulling up his pants, he noted with considerable satisfaction that were numerous marks on Kara's back from the rough stones. She would be quite bruised for the next several days. He watched her stiff movements as she dressed and picked up her pack, and he patted himself on the back mentality for gaining the upper hand. Sex between them was all about control, and today he was in the driver's seat.

Kara checked her watch. "We have to meet the informant in an hour."

Reese grabbed his pack. "We'd better get going then," he said gruffly.

Kara nodded and led the way out of the ruin where they had spent the night. Reese followed her, watching her long ponytail bounce against her back. That ponytail reminded him of another ponytail, the one that Carter had worn. He missed Carter. Out here he wasn't sure if he could rely on Kara. She was even more damaged and cold than he was. He knew she would kill him in a heartbeat if she was ordered to, or if she felt he wasn't upholding his side of the mission.

Though she seemed to enjoy fucking him, and she had saved his life a few times, he harbored no illusions about her feelings for him. He was nothing more than a dildo with good aim to her, and he knew it. Kara was simply no longer capable of love and John sadly realized that he might not be capable of it either anymore.

Carter on the other hand, he knew he could rely on. During the ambush of the convoy, she protected him every bit as fiercely as he had protected her and they both survived because of their teamwork. Thoughts of that night in the cave had gotten him through some very bad nights out in the field. Every time he fell asleep out in the field holding Kara, he woke up hoping he was back in the cave with Carter. He thought about Jessica a lot too, but that happened mostly back when they were in civilization. Out in the field, it was always all about Carter, and the night they spent together in the Iraqi cave was foremost in his mind.

He dutifully followed Kara out to the road as they hurried to make their rendezvous. He wondered where Carter was now. Was she home in New York? Was she happy? Did she ever think about him?

"Look alert, Boy Scout. We're getting close," Kara snarled at him irritably. Reese didn't say anything. He rarely did when the moody Kara snapped at him. It wasn't worth it; it just made her nastier. John pushed all thoughts of Carter from his mind and got his mind back on business.

* * *

><p><em>February 2011<em>

John walked through the doors of the hospital and his nose twitched as the familiar antiseptic smell hit him in the face. He never understood how Jessica could stand it, but she had laughed when he asked and told him that she didn't even smell it anymore.

Truthfully, John wasn't looking forward to this. Jessica had called months ago and he told her that he would be there in 24 hours, but he had been sent on his final mission and had not been able to get away. He had nearly decided to not come at all, but Han urged him. "This troubles you, John, I can tell. You need to do this."

John recognized that Han was right, so he came to New Rochelle as soon as the boat docked and had Han settled with his family in New York.

Showing no signs of his internal doubts, John approached the nurse's desk. "I'm looking for Jessica Arndt. I understand she works here?"

The nurse looked at him sadly and John knew in the instant that she was gone. He was too late. Jessica had needed him and he had failed her. John barely heard the nurse telling him Jessica was dead, that she had died in an accident a few months ago. John didn't ask any more questions. He simply turned and stumbled to the door, not even realizing he had tripped over a man in a wheelchair on the way out.

John stumbled to a park and sat down heavily on a bench, letting the guilt overwhelm him for a brief time. He leaned forward, put his forearms on his knees, and stared despondently at the ground. He had failed Jessica. With all his training, all his skills, and all his talent at protecting people, he had failed to save the woman he had loved enough to consider marrying.

Jessica had never been a strong woman. She had been sweet and nurturing, but she needed to be taken care of, and Reese had enjoyed being her White Knight. That White Knight had completely failed. Was Jessica happy? Was Peter good to her? Why did she call him? He had to know.

Finally, he sat up and made his way to the house Jessica had shared with her husband Peter. John decided that he needed to know about her, about her life after him.

* * *

><p>Breaking into the house Jessica shared with Peter was easy enough. Standard door locks were no match for CIA training. He spent some time looking over the numerous pictures in the living room depicting Jessica and her husband, seemingly happy and smiling.<p>

However, there were other indications that all was not right in New Rochelle. Looking through a pile of bills left on the counter, Reese noted that financially the Arndt household seemed to be deep in debt. All the bills were past due and there were a few collection notices in the pile as well. Reese's lips vanished into a thin line. He knew Jessica would not call him over financial difficulties, but he also knew money trouble often led to other kinds of trouble…

Finding a stash of DVDs, Reese popped one into the DVD player. He sat quietly and watched as a laughing Jessica waved to the camera during what looked like a party. She looked so happy and alive that Reese's heart sat heavy in his chest.

The camera panned through the party, and numerous people laughed and waved and seemed to be having a wonderful time.

Then he saw it; Peter holding Jessica's head so she could not look away, nose to nose with her, snarling in her face. It was only for a few brief seconds. As soon as they realized the camera was there, Peter dropped his hold and they smiled and waved. But Jessica's eyes were sad.

Reese knew. Jessica had called him to help her get away from Peter. And Peter had killed her while he was stuck in China. Reese watched the scene over and over. He was not dreaming; he was not making things up. Peter was abusive.

Then Peter came home…

* * *

><p>Reese stood over the body of Peter Arndt. He dropped the poker on the floor next to the body and sat down heavily in a handy chair while he stared at the corpse of the man who had killed his precious Jessica.<p>

Sadly, John realized that this man had cost him Carter as well. He couldn't go find her after killing a man in a violent lust for revenge. He had killed in the Army and CIA, but he had told himself that was only because he was ordered to, but looking at the battered body of Peter Arndt, he knew the truth about himself; he was a killer through and through. His humanity had been stripped from him and he was just an animal now. Kara had been right all along.

Bitterly, he realized that a killer and a "normal person" could never be together. John was nothing more than a cold blooded killer and that was all he would ever be. He would stay away from Carter and keep his filthy blood stained hands off her and her family. He was a fool for even thinking he could see her after everything he had done. He was a fool for thinking he might have a place in society.

John would dispose of Peter's body so that he could never be buried next to Jessica. At least in death, he could give Jessica freedom from her murderer. He would give Carter the gift of leaving her alone. He would not touch her life with his violent blood stained one. He would let sleeping dogs lie and let her remain free from his taint.

That was all he could give the women he cared for.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: The <strong>**upcoming**** chapters with episode names assume you have watched the show. These chapters are intended to add scenes or rewrite scenes from the show since in this world John and Joss already knew each other. I felt I need to explain certain changes and I hope you like what I have done with the canon. I'm not going hit every episode, just some scenes that I feel needed some alterations or some explanations.**


	4. Chapter 4 - Pilot

**Thanks to everyone who has read and reviewed this fic so far, the response has been over whelming! You guys are the best fandom around. I have tried t respond to everyone who has a log-in, and I wish I could respond to the the wonderful guest reviewers as well. Each and every review is appreciated.**

**This chapter covers John and Joss's meeting in the Pilot. I have modified it a bit from the show since John is trying to prevent Joss from recognizing him. **

* * *

><p><span><strong><em>Pilot<em>**

Detective Jocelyn Carter strode into the conference room to question the homeless bum who had beaten the stuffing out of those five punks on the subway. He had been waiting patiently, not saying a word as he sipped on his water.

Carter didn't recognize the bum as the man she once knew as John Davis. She was simply not open to the possibility that Davis might be alive and in New York City. To be fair, she thought John had been dead for nearly seven years. She had mourned him and tried to move on from his death.

With time she had come to terms with his loss, or so she thought. Every now and then he would sneak up on her in a particularly vulnerable moment and his memory would remind her of what her blind adherence to the rules had cost her.

Davis was dead, simple as that.

* * *

><p>Ironically, if you had asked John Reese about Sergeant Davis, he also would have told you that Davis was dead. As far as Reese was concerned the man he had been was gone, as dead as if someone put a bullet in his brain. As a matter of fact, Reese hoped someone would put a bullet in his brain and make the pain stop once and for all.<p>

When he looked up and saw Lt. Carter, the woman whose huge mega-watt smile had gotten him through more than one bad night in the CIA, walk briskly into the room, he renewed his wish to die immediately. The last thing he had ever wanted was for _her_ to see him like _this_. Of all the precincts in the entire world, he had to get arrested in hers.

God, she was still beautiful. There were a few more years on her to be sure, but those years had been very kind to her. She still had the knock out figure with the tiny waist, and her face was unlined. Her eyes were still as large and luminous as ever; and they still shone with intelligence and kindness.

To his relief she didn't seem to recognize him. He wondered if she had found out about his supposed "death", or if the long hair, beard, and dirt were just sufficient camouflage to cloak his identity.

* * *

><p>Though Carter did not recognize him, there was something very familiar about the homeless man in front of her. He was military; she knew that much from watching the rather short fight on the security camera footage. She'd had considerable contact with the various fighting units when she was overseas. They were constantly bringing in prisoners for her to question, so she wondered if she might have met him during one of her tours of duty.<p>

Her heart went out to him when she saw just how bad off he was, though she wasn't the least bit surprised. Judging by his fighting style, he was Special Forces, and very likely Black Ops. Those guys often saw the worst of the fighting up close and personal. They were often forced into situations and into doing horrible things that haunted them for years afterward and prevented them from integrating back into society when the Army cut them loose. Carter had seen it too many times before.

Mentally, she prepared herself for questioning the man. He may well have had training in resisting interrogation techniques, but they never seemed to expect the petite black woman to be a highly trained and experienced interrogator. She had used this to her advantage many times before.

But, somehow she had a feeling she knew this guy and he knew her. Her advantage was gone. Oh well, she would make do.

She started with humor. "You know, you could have done me a favor and let those guys land a couple of punches."

The man didn't react to that. He didn't even really look at her.

"Question for you, looking that tape, I'd say you spent some time in the service." Carter sat on the table in front of the bum and he finally looked up at her. She almost gasped in surprise; they were the exact same shade of blue as Sergeant Davis's. But Davis's eyes had held a twinkle and more than a hint of mischief; this man's eyes were sad and hopeless. He quickly looked away.

Gamely, she pressed on. "But you don't learn to fight like that in the regular army, so what were you? Special Forces? Delta?"

Still no response from him, but he did shift uncomfortably in his seat, so Joss figured she was on the right track.

"I'm Carter, you didn't give us a name." She slid off the table, went over to the water dispenser, and started filling another cup of water for him.

The man paused for a second, but he finally spoke. "You know, it's funny. Seems like the only time you need a name now is when you are in trouble. So am I in trouble?" he asked. Despite the fact that is was very hoarse, not unusual for someone living on the streets, his voice was soft and sexy; a real bedroom voice, unusual for a man of violence. Again, he reminded her of Davis. But Davis was dead, she firmly reminded herself. _Don't get all mushy because he reminds you of Davis_, her inner voice chided.

"I don't know, you tell me, you're the one living on the street," she shot back, as she handed him the cup of water. The man took it, but kept his head down, refusing to met her eyes or let her get a good look at his face. After a minute or two it became obvious that he was not going to answer, so she sat back on the table and tried again to reach him.

"Yeah, making that transition back can be tough. Some guys I knew got a little lost, needed a little help adjusting. Need some help?" she askde kindly.

He sipped from the water she gave him, but said nothing. Carter picked up the old water cup, not even trying to hide what she was doing. She was pretty sure this guy was former Delta, and she was not going to insult his intelligence by trying to sneak the cup out of the room.

"Of course some of the other guys I knew, they'd done so many evil things, they felt like they needed the punishment," Carter continued. and She slid off the table again and flipped on the recording of him pounding the punks the in the subway. "That sound more like your story?"

She watched him closely for some sort of reaction, but he didn't react. He just kept staring at table in front of him, refusing to look her in the eye. Nonetheless, she didn't really need him to react. She was pretty sure at this point she was right.

"Excuse me for a second." She picked up the cup, and walked out of the room.

* * *

><p>Despite the fact that Carter didn't seem to recognize him, Reese felt he should have known she would recognize another soldier, another warrior. He was amazed and bit proud of her when she realized that the dirty bum in front of her was not just an ex-veteran but an ex-special forces, just from viewing a few seconds of grainy security camera footage.<p>

Reese shifted uncomfortably in his seat. He knew he was evil and he deserved to die as an unknown and uncared for drunk in the gutter. The last thing he wanted was for Carter to find out how far he had fallen. He could tell from the gentle way she asked him if he needed help that she was still the same good person she had been back in that damned cave. He, on the other hand, was now a monster who didn't even deserve to be in the same room breathing the same air with the likes of her.

So he let her take the cup with his fingerprints away without a word of protest. He knew as soon as she ran them, the CIA would be alerted to his presence and they would come to take him away. Then they would put the longed for bullet in his brain. He probably wouldn't even live to make it out of the parking lot. Carter would never know that Davis had not died in action, but with a black hood over his head, because he was too much of coward to tell her who he really was. Whatever warm memories she had of Davis would not be sullied with the knowledge that Sergeant Davis had turned into Agent Reese, murderer extraordinaire.

* * *

><p>Carter stared at the screen in front of her in frustration as it flashed <em>Redacted<em> at her. She barely listened as the fingerprint tech rattled off all the crime scenes where that set of prints had been found all over the world. This guy was more than she had even dreamed of. He might have been Special Forces at one point, but now she was pretty sure he had gone beyond that. Given the amount of chaos he left in his wake all over the world, he could only be former CIA.

It made her heart hurt to think that this was a man who had served his country and sunk to such depths of self-loathing simply because he had followed orders. This man did need help and she'd be damned if she was going to let this go.

Unfortunately, the decision was taken out of her hands when a fancy lawyer showed up and took the sad-eyed bum away. The uniforms didn't notify her that the bum was leaving until he was already out the door. She ran out of the station looking for him, but he was nowhere to be seen.

She wondered if she would ever see him again. She wanted to, she really wanted to, but she wasn't quite sure why. There was a connection there. She had no idea where it came from, but she felt drawn to him as soon as she saw him.

* * *

><p>Lying on the bed in the seedy little motel where he currently kept a room, Reese reflected on the events of the last few days. He had gone from being homeless on the verge of suicide, to finding Carter again and having a purpose, all in a very short time. It felt good.<p>

But Reese knew his hold on all this was tenuous. He got up and took a bullet out of the box of spare ammo in the nightstand. Using one of the pins that had held his new dress shirt to the cardboard, he carefully scratched his name on it. He would carry this bullet to remind himself of how low he had sunk and far he had come. It would remind him that Cater and people like her were worth fighting for, and he would fight for them. He would carry this bullet with him to remind himself of all that.


	5. Chapter 5 - Get CarterNumber Crunch

**This chapter will cover modified versions of _Get Carter_ and _Number Crunch_.**

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Get Carter<strong>_

(John's feelings as he follows and protects Joss, and Joss's feelings as she tries to figure out the mysterious vigilante)

Carter did see that bum again. Somehow he got cleaned up, put on a suit, and starting going vigilante on the bad guys of NYC. She had to admit that he was an effective crusader for justice. He left her lots of hardened criminals tied up in neat packages like a lover would leave boxes of chocolates.

But as every cop knows, vigilantes are extremely dangerous. Police officers have rules and laws that have to be followed. Vigilantes tended to ignore such things. While Carter would be among the first to admit the police were imperfect when it came to following those rules and laws, they at least had to answer to the public. Vigilantes answered to nobody. She'd worked many cases of vigilante revenge gone wrong. She'd seen revenge enacted on the wrong person, and innocent people getting hurt and killed in the lust for "justice."

This vigilante, with his special forces training, was more deadly than most. This was a man who could snap another man's neck with his bare hands. This was a man who had killed in cold blood many times. This was a man who was profoundly damaged by the things he had seen and done. She knew it was only a matter of time before something very bad happened and she would be left with a bloody mess of crime scene to clean up. She had to stop him, despite his apparent good intentions and obvious skills.

* * *

><p>While Carter was trying to find The Man in the Suit, Reese began stalking Carter. Well, he didn't like to call it stalking. As he told Finch, "It pays to know the person coming after you." But the truth was he just liked watching her and being close to her. She was still the same Carter he remembered, the same intelligent and compassionate woman he had fallen for all those years ago. He loved watching her work a crime scene. She was driven and focused and he still found that sexy as hell.<p>

He noted that she never wore a wedding band and her husband seemed to be out of the picture. Maybe someday he would ask Finch to find out what happened there, but the thought that she was single was almost too much for him. He yearned for her, but he knew the things he'd done since he had last seen her ruled out any chance of a relationship between them. She was a cop and he was a killer. She was the light and he was the dark. He had to keep his blood-stained hands to himself.

Yet, he could not stay away from her. She was like a drug to him and he was not about to enter rehab.

Reese lurked across the street from yet another crime scene, hidden behind a tree as he watched the object of his affections in action. She squatted down to examine the soda bottle the victim had been carrying and he watched quietly as she swiftly located the source of the unusual drink and talked to a witness. John smiled; she was still the same Carter. This murderer did not stand a chance.

His phone buzzed and he answered it. It was Finch of course. No one else had his number.

"We have a new number, Mr. Reese. A mutual friend of ours… Detective Carter."

Reese's mouth dropped open and his heart hammered in his chest. His hand felt for the bullet sitting in his pocket and he gripped it. This was not just another number; this was the woman whose memory had kept him going through some very bad times. She was his anchor.

Carter on the other hand seemed oblivious to the danger she was in. She was every bit as brave and reckless as Reese remembered. In the short space of a few hours, she marched directly into the shop of a known murderer and confronted a wife beater in a bar, all on her own without backup.

He watched with one hand on his gun as Carter confronted the wife beater in the bar. The wife beater, a man by the name of Eddie Kovacs was not backing down. "You come after me and I will exercise my Second Amendment rights. I promise you, I got a pretty big gun," he threatened the smaller Carter.

But Kovacs was out of his league. "Man as angry and bitter as you are, I got a feeling it ain't that _big_, Eddie," she shot back. Then she swept out of the bar without a backward glance, leaving Kovacs speechless and fuming.

That was his Carter alright. While Reese admired her guts and determination, he despaired of being able to save her life if she kept on going the way she was. The normally cool Reese was bordering on frantic. He didn't find her just to lose her again. He couldn't let that happen.

Even Finch noticed how upset this case was making Reese, but he couldn't tell Finch the truth. How could he tell his mysterious employer that he had been carrying a torch for this woman for the better part of a decade? So he told a partial truth. "We got into this to stop bad things from happening to good people. Carter's been doing that her whole life. She's not just another number, Finch. Some people the world can't afford to lose." _And some people I can't afford to lose again_ he thought to himself.

* * *

><p>Carter wished she could have said she was surprised when she heard that Hector Alvarez's shop had been taken out by a single man with a grenade launcher. Given the abilities and resources the Man in the Suit had displayed, the only thing she found surprising about the incident was that he wasn't in a suit this time.<p>

However, the vigilante was not done for the day yet. He surprised Carter by gift wrapping the wife beater Eddie Kovach for her and saving the life of Mrs. Kovach. Then he called her to tell her that her life was in danger, and he actually sounded worried.

She tried to downplay it. After all she was a cop, her life was always in danger as she reminded him, but the vigilante seemed to be very concerned for her safety. He insisted that she be careful. It puzzled her; and if she were being honest with herself, it intrigued her.

* * *

><p>Carter never saw the nearly fatal shot coming since it came from someone she trusted; someone she helped. He was one of her best CIs, a homeless former junkie by the name of Bottle Cap. She could not have been more stunned when Bottle Cap whipped out a gun and shot her twice at point blank range. The shots, coming from such close range packed a powerful punch. Before she knew what was happening, she was on the ground in agonizing pain and unable to reach for her weapon to defend herself. She was sure she was going to die in the next few seconds.<p>

She survived the first two shots with nothing more than a cracked rib and bruising thanks to the fact that she was wearing her bulletproof vest, at the mysterious vigilante's urging no less. As she lay on the ground, writhing in pain, she barely heard Bottle Cap. He told her he was sorry, but Elias had given him a choice. It was him or her, and it was not going to be him. He aimed the gun for the kill, when shots rang out and Bottle Cap went down.

Carter managed to look up to see a figure standing in the dark. She couldn't see a face but she didn't need to, it was him. She had no idea how he knew she was in trouble, where he'd come from, or why he would even care, but he had arrived in the nick of time like some dark guardian angel.

Her angel/vigilante surprised her again and knelt down next her. In that soft gentle voice that bellied the violence that followed him everywhere, he told her that she was not alone.

Through the haze of pain and shock, Carter could have sworn that it was Sergeant Davis talking to her. She tried to gasp out his name, but her chest still burned from the bullets and she was still having trouble breathing, so she was unable to say anything. He vanished into the night as the sirens approached and the chance was gone.

Davis was dead, so it couldn't have been him, could it? The thought haunted her for days.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Number Crunch <strong>_

(Carter finally learns that John Reese is indeed John Davis)

That mystery of the bum/vigilante's redacted fingerprints and mysterious identity was solved when Agent Mark Snow slithered into the 8th precinct with his equally slimy partner Agent Evans in tow. Though they were never formally introduced, it didn't take Carter long to peg Snow and his partner as CIA. She'd had to deal with quite a few CIA types during her time overseas as an interrogator and she was quite experienced in spotting them.

As Snow and Evans all too smoothly explained, the vigilante was none other than a former covert operative named John Reese. Reese was an assassin and a damned good one. Snow and Evans went into great detail with her about all the people Reese had killed, including his longtime partner. They showed her pictures of their bloody bodies and quietly told her how his service to his country had damaged him. Snow looked her straight in the eye and said he would "help" the Man in the Suit.

Joss knew the vigilante was violent; there was no arguing with that. He was doing very dangerous things and she herself had thought he needed to be stopped. But, he saved her when it would have been better for him to let her die. He saved Theresa Whitaker. He saved the family of the East German agent and she suspected he had saved many others that she didn't know about. How could he be the vicious man that Agent Snow said he was?

She flipped through the file Snow left her that described the many people John Reese had murdered on orders from his superiors. Joss knew what that did to a person. She'd seen how a life of violence could warp and twist a person into something that wasn't even recognizable as human. She had seen the results when that violence erupted in a civilian setting. As a homicide detective, she had cleaned up those scenes many times. She simply couldn't take the risk that he'd snap one day and the results would be deadly to who knew how many innocent people.

After a long internal struggle with her conscience, she called Snow and told him where he could find John Reese.

* * *

><p>The SUV caught Reese in its headlights as Snow brought it to stop and he and Carter got out. Reese didn't even seem surprised to see Snow. It was like he knew that this day would come.<p>

Staring at her vigilante across the top of that parking garage, Carter finally confirmed something she had suspected all along but would not let herself believe. John Reese was Sergeant Davis. Davis wasn't dead; the CIA must have altered his Army file when they recruited him. She just handed the man who had saved her life– not once, but twice– over to the fucking CIA. Her eyes met John's, but to her surprise he didn't even look angry. He looked sad, but he accepted his fate. His eyes told her it was OK, but Joss knew it wasn't OK.

She wanted to run to him, throw herself into his arms, and beg him for forgiveness for not recognizing him. She was a fool for believing men she should not have believed and for falling for Snow's bullshit. And she wanted to apologize for not seizing that moment so long ago in a cave on the other side of the world. She wondered how different things could have been if she had the courage to ignore the rules and take her chance with him.

Then she heard the gunshot and to her horror she realized the bastards had lied to her. They said they would only arrest John, that they would help him, but they were trying to murder him right here in front of her. Joss felt like the biggest patsy on the planet. She had been played.

In slow motion, she saw John go down and he raised his gun and fired at her.

But he wasn't shooting at her, even though she richly deserved it. He was shooting out the lights in the SUV. Another bullet hit him in the leg and she saw his body jerk. Another shot took out the second headlight on the SUV completely, leaving the top floor of the parking garage in the dark.

Reese had vanished into the blackness.

Carter pulled her gun and followed his most likely escape route. She heard Snow peel out in the SUV, but she ignored it. She was too busy following the blood trail. Oh God, there was so much blood. How was he able to move?

Carter followed the blood trail down the stairs, trying to focus on the job and not on the amount of blood. Davis, or was it Reese now, was bleeding out. She had to find him first.

She made her way down the stairs and finally reached street level. She burst through the door, expecting to find Davis─ no, Reese─ no, _John_ - lying on the ground. Instead, she saw the man she knew as Burdett helping him to the car.

"You!" she said, shocked. Burdett froze and stared at her with wide, terrified eyes over John's stooped back.

She barely hesitated, even though she was about to help a fugitive escape. She quickly holstered her gun and helped John to the car while Burdett hurried to the driver's seat. John settled down in the back seat and she stared down at him for a few seconds before she shut the door, wishing she had the time or words to tell him how sorry she was. She wanted to tell him how much she had missed him.

He looked up at her with sad eyes; there was no blame or rebuke, just calm understanding and acceptance. He should have drawn his gun and shot her. She would have understood that. No, he just let her know without words that he wasn't angry with her. And that hurt her more than any bullet could.

She wanted to tell him so many things. How she had thought about him many times since the night in the cave. How she had wished so many times she had told him that night that she cared for him, that her marriage was over, that she wanted a chance with him. But he was dying, and there was no time to say anything at all.

"Go!" she yelled as she slammed the door shut.

The big car pitched forward and flew down the street, taking John away from her for the second time. She watched with tears in her eyes until the car turned the corner and was out of sight. He was gone. Again. For the second time in her life, she didn't know if she would ever see him again because she was an idiot. Because she was a rule bound idiot.

_How's that working for you?_ her inner voice mocked.

She hung her head and walked down the street to the subway. Since she had expected to be working late on this case, Taylor was sleeping over at her mother's tonight. She was going to go home, get rip roaring drunk, and cry until the tears wouldn't flow anymore.


	6. Chapter 6 -LegacyBabyBlue

**This chapter covers**_** Legacy **_**and**_** Baby Blue**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Legacy<strong>_

(The conversation in the diner needed to be redone to reflect the fact that they knew each other already.)

Even if John had survived, Joss did not expect to see him ever again. How could anyone forgive her for what she had done? She thought of him constantly, wondering what had become of him, so she finally decided to call the number she had for the mysterious Burdett and leave a message.

To her amazement, she received a text from an unknown number "Lyric Diner, 7:30 tomorrow."

She sat in the diner at the appointed day and time, as nervous as she had been on her first date in high school. Except this time, her mother was not hovering around to talk her down. It wasn't every day you were meeting the man who saved your life and then you nearly got him killed. She was afraid he only wanted to see to tell her to fuck off and die to her face. Every man in a suit that walked in made her jump like a scared rabbit.

Despite her vigilance, he still managed to sneak up on her. He smirked at her as he sat down, still as handsome as ever. The hair wasn't coal black anymore; it was more salt and pepper now. There were a few lines on the face, but his eyes were still as startling blue as ever and his cheekbones could still cut glass. The years had been very kind to him.

"You finally found me, but I don't hear any sirens or see you reaching for your gun." His eyes twinkled at her.

She was irritated that he had managed to sneak up on her and irritated that she felt like a teenager on her first date; so she snarked at him.

"Nice suit. I would have got a 'Sorry I Got You Shot' card, but they were all out."

He smiled at her, his blue eyes dancing with amusement at her joke and she nearly melted into a puddle of goo on his expensive shoes.

"I had no idea what Snow was capable of, that he would actually try to kill you." John could see on her expressive face that she meant it.

"I don't blame you. They're good at what they do." She could see by the look in his eyes that he meant it, and she wished again that things had been different.

Joss looked down at the table between them, ashamed. "I'm sorry I didn't recognize you that night in the precinct. I thought you were dead. Or at least that's what the Army said."

John caught his breath. She cared enough to try to look him up? He kicked himself for not seizing his chance that night in the cave and not jumping out of the Humvee when he saw her as he was leaving the base. He quickly pushed all the 'what ifs' aside; he would dwell on them later.

"I was glad you didn't recognize me. I didn't want you to see me like that," he said softly.

She locked eyes with him. "You had nothing to be ashamed of John. I see it every day. I would have moved heaven and earth to help you if you had reached out to me."

John had to break eye contact before she saw the pain in his eyes. He wasn't worthy of her. She was still the same good, moral person she had been in Iraq, and he was nothing more than a killer. He had no doubt the she would have done everything in her power to help him.

Just like he had no doubt that he was irredeemable and unworthy.

"What happened to you after the Army?" she asked. "Why was your file altered?"

He looked down at the table. "There are a lot of things I can't tell you, Carter."

She snorted. "Yeah, I figured that part out when I saw redacted all over everything when I ran your prints. But I want to know why you wound up on the streets, trying to commit suicide by Jim Beam."

He wasn't ready to talk about Jessica and he definitely didn't want her to know he had killed Peter in revenge. "You're not wearing your wedding band." He changed the topic swiftly. He had been watching her so he already knew that Paul was no longer a part of her life, but he didn't know why.

She quickly removed her hand from the table and put it in her lap. "Paul had a lot of problems when he returned from Afghanistan and he was too proud to get help."

John closed his eyes slowly and then opened them. He had restrained himself out of respect for a marriage that didn't last anyway. He was angry with Paul. He'd had what John wanted ─ a family and a life with Carter ─ and he tossed it aside because of pride.

But that was all water under the bridge now, so all he could say was, "I'm sorry Carter."

She shrugged. "I survived. What about the girl you left behind, did you ever try to look her up?"

"She's dead, killed by an abusive husband." John's voice was flat and emotionless.

"Oh God John, I'm so sorry."

John decided to change the subject again. "Why did you contact me, Carter?"

"Got a lot of questions."

John could not help the smile that lite up his face and made his eyes sparkle just the way Carter remembered. "You always did, Warrant Officer," he said softly, not bothering to hide the amusement he felt. For that one brief moment his mas was down and he was John Davis again.

Carter blushed and for a moment she was back in that cave. But she plowed ahead gamely, "I need some answers."

"Well you managed to lose your tail. That's quite a feat. Those CIA boys spend a lot of time learning how to be invisible." John had to admit he was impressed with her skills, but he was worried now that she was on Snow's radar. He knew firsthand what a ruthless bastard Snow was.

"You think Snow is my only problem?"

John's face remained impassive, but his heart sank. "Is there another agency following you that I am not aware of?"

"You have an entire NYPD task force looking for you. I had to run two lights getting here just to make sure my own people weren't tailing me."

John sat quietly, absorbing that information. She had really stuck her neck out to meet him. Why?

"I'm a cop which means I got rules; rules that can't be broken. But I, um, want to know more."

John's heart raced. She wanted to work with him? "Once you go down that road, there's no looking back."

"How are you getting your information?"

She was relentless as usual. John smiled at her. She was still his Carter. "All I can tell you is that we hear about people in danger. Or people who are causing it."

"Why me?" She nearly got him killed she could phantom why he would trust her after that.

"Because your moral compass is pointing in the right direction. It always did." He paused and smirked before he continued, "And because I'm tired of you chasing me."

She looked confused. "How does this work?"

John reached into his pocket and pulled out a piece of paper and placed it on the table. Joss picked it up and read the name on it.

"Andrea Gutierrez?"

"Civil litigation attorney with a sealed juvie record. I need it unsealed, Carter."

She then gave him what was to be the first of many annoyed looks she would give him over the years. "What did I just say about rules?"

John's reply was immediate and compelling. "You have your rules, and you have a chance to save a life. It's your choice."

He handed her the burner phone, letting his hand linger a few seconds too long when it touched hers. Joss' heart jumped at his touch.

"I'll be in touch." He vanished soon after.

* * *

><p>Carter began to actively help John and his partner, whom she now learned went by the name Harold Finch. It felt good to prevent crimes for once. This was why she was a cop, to help good people and put bad guys away. She trusted John to do the right thing; he had saved her life twice now after all.<p>

As a bonus, she got to work with John again. She couldn't bring herself to call him Reese, so she started just calling him John. He kept calling her Carter though, and it bothered her. He was holding her at arm's length and she didn't know why. Their unique connection was still there, she felt it, and occasionally when he dropped his mask around her and she thought that he felt it too. But then the smirk would be back in place and he would go back to treating her like an asset again.

Then again she _had_ betrayed him and nearly gotten him killed, so she figured that whatever feelings he may have had for her died when those bullets hit his body. Her heart hurt at the thought, but she pushed it aside. They were helping people and that would just have to be enough for her. But sometimes late at night, he would invade her dreams, just like he had for the previous ten years and she would wake up and curl into ball while she grieved for something she could never have.

* * *

><p>John knew he shouldn't have brought Joss in, but he couldn't help himself. He'd wanted to be with her for so long that he simply couldn't pass up a chance to have her for a partner again. He knew it was wrong and dangerous, especially for her. He and Finch were already dead; they had nothing left to lose. She was still very much alive and she had a family and a career to lose.<p>

John rationalized it by swearing to himself he would protect her. He wouldn't let her near the danger. He just could not bring himself to leave her behind again. It felt too good to have her with him, to be able to talk to her and see her. Just a whiff of her jasmine scent was all it took to make him smile.

He knew that their relationship could never progress beyond the coworker stage, so he would take what he could get, but he still dreamed about her at night. He probably always would.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Baby Blue<strong>_

(John and Joss's thoughts as they meet in the park by the water)

John made very slow progress through the park with Leila strapped to his body in her baby carrier. Several women stopped to coo over the baby and complement him on his adorable daughter. John could only smile feebly, thank them politely and move on. Each compliment stabbed him in the heart since she was not his baby and he knew would never have a child of his own, no matter how much he wanted one.

John had always wanted a family. He had hoped when he quit the Army that he and Jessica could settle down and raise the family he had always longed for. John's dad was away in the Army and his mom had been too busy supporting them to put much effort into raising him, so he grown up a loner, looking on with envy at his friend's families. While a couple of his friend's parents had done their best to include him in their activities, he had always felt like some sort of interloper and it had been a lonely existence. He had hoped to someday form his own family and banish that loneliness for good.

That however became impossible once 9/11 happened and he had returned to the Army. He knew Jessica was not suited to Army life, and he knew he was not suited to civilian life, so he had let her go along with his dreams of a family. Having Leila with him right now was driving home with every step he took just how much out he had missed out on.

Then he caught sight of Joss standing by the water. The look of shock on her face when she saw him with baby Leila was another knife to his heart. Of course she would be stunned to see him with a precious baby, he was a killer and she knew it. The fantasy that he could someday form a family with her haunted his dreams, but he could see by the stunned expression on her face that she would never consider him anything other than a monster.

* * *

><p>Joss was unable to keep the stunned expression off her face when she saw John approaching with baby Leila. She knew he was a good man, but seeing him with the child made her womb ache with desire. He gently rubbed the baby's hands, keeping them warm in the cold, a simple act that just said so much about what a good man he was.<p>

Joss took a deep breath as he approached with that sexy smirk on his face. She was definitely gone on this man. She wondered if it was too soon to introduce him to Taylor. They would probably have a great time playing basketball….

God! What was she thinking? She was thinking of possibly bringing John into her family, but he would never want something so mundane, so ordinary. John was not ordinary. Men like him don't want to be tied down; not to anyone. And they especially didn't want to be tied down to boring by-the-book stick-in-the-mud cops like her.

She turned and looked out over the water so John would not see her drooling over him.

"You brought her with you? Every cop in the city is looking for that kid!" Joss chided him gently as he stood next to her. She knew she should angry with him for taking such a risk, but he looked so damn sexy right now it was all she could do to keep from ripping his clothes off and taking him right there.

"I'm teaching her to go undercover," John replied cheerfully. "She's a natural."

_You're a natural too with that baby_, Joss thought.

As she, John and Finch discussed the case, Joss keep snaking looks over at John while he played with Leila. He looked so at ease with her, she almost believed that he was the baby's father. Leila seemed comfortable with him as well, like she knew John would die for her. Joss wondered if John ever wanted his own kids, but quickly shoved that thought out of her mind.

They finished their conversation, and Joss left to go talk to her mentor about the arson report from the death of Leila's mother. She stroked Leila's back with a smile on her face and left; fully confident that Leila was in good hands.

* * *

><p>John watched Joss go wistfully. So many things he wanted to say to her, but he had no right. He really wanted to run after her, beg her to marry him and raise Leila with him. He thought of the time back in the cave in Iraq when she had showed him the picture of her, her husband and her son, and how happy they looked. He remembered how much he had wanted a family for himself. No, he wanted a family with her, but had no idea how to say it.<p>

Leila fussed a bit and John started for the park exit too. "Come on Finch, let's get her out of the cold."

* * *

><p>(John and Joss's thoughts at the safe house)<p>

John raced to the safe house, swearing that he would never forgive himself if Joss was hurt because of him. He swore that if she'd been hurt, Elias wouldn't survive the night.

Initially, he was relieved when he rushed into the house to see Joss unhurt, but then he realized the she was kneeling over Detective Szymanski, and he had a serious gut wound.

"How did Elias know?" she demanded.

John realized what he was about to say was probably going to destroy the friendship he'd carefully built with Joss over the last several months. For a split second, he seriously considered lying to her and saying he had no idea, but he knew that a lie now would just drive them apart later. If he told the truth, he had a chance to fix it.

"I told him. I had to give up the safe house to save the baby," he confessed.

Joss shook her head. "John, why were you even talking to Elias?"

"I had no choice, we lost the kid." John's eyes begged her to understand, but Joss was not in an understanding mood, not with one of her best friends lying on the floor bleeding out.

"You say there was no choice, but there was John. It's called The Police, it's what we do." She shook her head in frustration as she continued to apply pressure to Szymanski's gunshot wound. "I can't do this anymore. I can't. You and your friend… I'm sorry."

John's heart shattered into a thousand pieces. He understood that when Joss said he should have called the police, he should have called _her_. And deep down inside, he knew she was right.

They heard the sirens approaching. Joss looked up at him and the look in her eyes made John want to beg her forgiveness.

"Go on, this place will be swarmin'."

John hesitated; he couldn't go now, not like this.

"Go!" she said in a firm voice.

Still he hesitated. He couldn't leave,

not like this. He couldn't let her go again.

"_GO!_" she snapped, louder and firmer than before.

He went, but he swore he would find a way to fix this. He was not going to walk away from her again. He would not let her go easily.

John returned to Finch's Lincoln, parked just down the street. He sat in the driver's seat while he watched the paramedics arrive, swiftly load the wounded detective into the ambulance and speed off.

He took the bullet out of his pocket and played with it in his hands. It reminded him of her and he felt a bit better. It had felt so good - so right - to have her back in his life and he already missed her. He's had that taste of heaven and he was not going to let it go without fight, not this time. He would make this up to Joss somehow.

However, Joss had other ideas. She began ignoring his calls and with every call she refused to pick up, he died a little more inside.

* * *

><p>Joss watched as the paramedics loaded her friend into the ambulance and sped off. The crime scene techs were processing the scene, but there wasn't much they could add. Elias' men grabbed Moretti, shot Szymanski, and there wasn't much more to the story than that.<p>

Except for the extreme sense of betrayal she felt. She had trusted John with a secret that she didn't even trust other cops with and he betrayed her. If anything, it confirmed for her that she was nothing more than just an asset to John, someone to be disregarded when it suited him. She had trusted him with the location of this safe house; he was the only person besides herself and Szymanski who knew where Moretti was. She let him in, and she did not let people in easily. But instead of returning the trust she had placed in him and letting her in in return, he betrayed her. The hurt cut deep; very, very deep.

The burner phone buzzed in her pocket and she pulled it out. She hit the ignore button and returned it to her jacket pocket. Fuck that, she wasn't going to come running when he called anymore. He and Harold were on their own now.


	7. Chapter 7 - FleshandBloodManyHappyReturn

**Thanks again for all the reviews and comments! I so ahppy you guys are enjoying this story so much.**

**This chapter will cover the episodes Flesh and Blood and Many Happy Returns. Taylor questions Joss about John in a new scene and we finally get to see Joss give John the picture she found in Jessica's things. It always bugged me that Joss never gave John the picture on the show. I thought that was out of character for her since she knew how much that picture would have meant to him. The beauty of FanFic is you get to fix all those little things that bug you. :) I intend to take full advantage of that. **

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Flesh and Blood<strong>_

_(Carter's thoughts in the alley where she was ambushed, and an extension of the scene)_

All of Joss's senses were on high alert as she walked down the alley to where a frightened Don Basile waited for her. She knew this was dangerous business; after all she was dealing not only with a Mafia Don, but with Carl Elias whose viciousness and violence surpassed even the Mafia's. She had come prepared, bringing several cars of uniformed officers with her; hopefully the sheer numbers would keep them all alive tonight.

Despite the fact that she was here to save his life, Basile was still suspicious of her. Too bad, she didn't have time to coddle him, they had to move fast. The Don seemed to understand this and followed her down the alley despite his reservations. He had no other options and they all knew it.

As they reached the mouth of the alley, the uniform who had followed her looked around in bewilderment as he discovered that all the other officers who had accompanied them had vanished. The street was deserted. Joss's heart sank, they were sitting ducks now.

"Detective, where did everyone go?" the confused uniform asked as the first bullet whizzed by them, killing Don Basile. The second bullet wounded the officer and he went down.

Joss had her gun out and she returned fire, but she was in a lousy position. She was out in the open, exposed with no backup.

"I'm going to die tonight," flashed through her brain as she fired back at her assailant.

Suddenly she heard a gunshot from the opposite direction and she saw the hit man fall dead. She stood, rooted to the ground, stunned that some miracle had arrived to save her.

She got a look at the 6'2" miracle as he stepped out of the shadows and turned to her with that smirk of his. "Hello, Detective," he purred in that voice that made her want to rip that coat off his lean body and ravish him. "You really should return your calls, Detective."

Joss stared at him for a few seconds as she came down off the adrenaline rush. He had saved her life, _again_. Maybe, just maybe, she wasn't just an asset to him?

The officer lying on the ground moaned, drawing her attention. She knelt to tend to his wound and use his radio to call for help.

John checked on the Don. "He's dead."

"Do you recognize the hit man?" Joss asked as she kept pressure on the unconscious officer's injury.

John knelt across the wounded officer from her, "He's one of Elias's." The gunman had been one of the men who had locked John in the freezer with baby Leila; John would never forget any of those men's faces.

Joss raised her eyes from the injured man and looked at John as the she heard the sound of a siren in the distance. "You'd better get out here."

John seemed reluctant to leave. He reached over and gently touched her arm, "Meet me at Leslie's Diner when you can…p-please?"

Joss blinked at him in surprise. She couldn't recall him ever using the word "please" before. In his eyes she saw genuine regret for what had happened between them and her heart jumped with joy. She wasn't just an asset, he was truly sorry for betraying her trust. "Alright John. Now get out of here." She even gave him a tiny smile.

John smiled at her, a real smile, not a smirk, and vanished.

* * *

><p><em>(extended scene in the diner)<em>

As soon as John got the text from Joss that she was on the way to the diner, he hurried to Leslie's and made sure a steaming hot cup of coffee was waiting for her, along with a thick slice of Triple Layer Chocolate Cake.

Joss arrived only a few minutes after the coffee and sank gratefully down onto the soft bench seat. She had been on her feet for hours and it felt glorious to be able to sit down. The fact that there was hot coffee and chocolate cake was the icing on the cake, so to speak. "Thank you," she said softly her eyes shining with gratitude at John.

John inclined his head to acknowledge her thanks. "How are you doing?"

"The officer is stable, lucky for us you got good timing," Joss sighed between bites of cake.

"I asked how _you_ are doing," John said quietly, but his tone was insistent.

Joss glanced up at him, He was staring at her intently and she gulped. She dropped her eyes back down to her cake. "I'm fine John, thanks to you. _Again_. You keep saving my butt."

"It's a nice butt," John said with a smirk. He looked down at his hands on the table in front of him. It had been close call, too close. What good were his skills if he couldn't save the one person he loved most in the world?

Joss blushed and changed the topic quickly. "I guess you should know the FBI has a new task force set up in your honor. They think you're working with Elias."

John smirked, "I'm often misunderstood." As long as Joss knew the truth, that was all he cared about.

Finch finally joined them. He took the seat next to John across from Joss. "I take it things did not go as expected with Mr. Basile?" he inquired politely. Joss knew he knew damn good and well that things got ugly.

Joss hung her head at the memory of her fellow police officers abandoning her to what they had to know certain death. She knew HR was big, but until tonight she'd had no idea just how big and how influential it was. Her confidence had just taken a massive hit. "I don't know who to trust anymore."

Finch's reply was immediate and firm. "You can trust us."

Joss looked at the two men sitting across from her, and she knew that Finch spoke the truth. The world had officially gone insane: she could trust the vigilantes, one of whom she knew had spent years killing people, more than she could trust her fellow police officers who had sworn to uphold the law. "Elias transferred 4 million in the past 48 hours to a dozen accounts in cash and carry hubs around the city. We could use those transfers to track down the men working for him but I can't access their database without a warrant."

"Maybe I could use .. other techniques to access the information we need," Finch mused. Joss looked unhappy over that, but she kept her mouth shut. She knew this was going to happen when she told them about the transfers. It was the only way to stop Elias.

"If we track down the men on Elias's payroll, they may lead us right to him," John pointed out as he stared at Joss, studying her reaction. He wanted to see if she was really ready to commit to this.

"In the meantime, I need to convince those old Dons that the only way to stay alive is to work with us." John relaxed, Joss was on board. They would do this together.

"Thanks for the back up," Joss said as she started to get out of the booth

John reached out and touched her wrist. Even with that small contact, a thrill ran through his body when he touched her. "If I'm not there next time..." He grabbed a bag that had been sitting next to him and handed it to her, "I want you to be prepared." he looked at her with those eyes again her breath was nearly taken away, he was looking at her with such concern.

Joss snorted when she looked into the bag, "Not exactly standard issue. Should I ask were you got these?'

"Probably best if you don't."

Joss took the bag and left while John silently prayed for her safety.

* * *

><p><em>(extended scene at the end when John returns Taylor to Joss)<em>

Joss embraced her son as tightly as she ever had. All the stress, strain, and uncertainty of the last 24 hours melted away as she held her precious child. John brought him back to her, just like he'd promised. Throughout the whole ordeal he had been there for her.

She was finally able to let go of her boy and turn to the man who brought him back to her. John was wearing a small smile, a real smile not a smirk, and he gently took her hand.

"Good to know you keep your promises," was all she could find to say. He smiled, winked at her, and walked away. Joss watched him for a few seconds and then hugged her son again.

She would never doubt John again. She would do anything for him. She would die for him.

"Mom, I'm starving!" Taylor complained. "I didn't get dinner last night."

Joss laughed with relief. Her boy was truly alright if all he could think about was his stomach after that ordeal. "Come on," she said, leading him to the diner behind them. "Let's get you some breakfast."

They took a seat in a booth by a window and Joss ordered strong black coffee. Her nerves were completely shot and she was feeling rather shaky. In the past 24 hours, she had been betrayed by her fellow officers, kidnapped several powerful Mafia dons, had her son kidnapped and then rescued by a former CIA assassin, and then arrested the biggest crime lord in the city. Never in her wildest dreams had she thought things would get this insane when she'd joined the Police Academy.

Taylor ordered a large stack of pancakes, eggs, bacon, and a giant smoothie. His mother ordered a bagel with plain cream cheese; her stomach wasn't up for much else.

"So Mom, who is this John guy? I don't think you've mentioned him before," Taylor asked curiously between bites of pancake.

Joss hesitated, not really sure how to answer that question. Her son picked up on the hesitation, but shrewdly didn't say anything. There was something about this Bad Ass that had his mother out of sorts and he was going to find out what it was.

"He's an old Army friend," Joss said slowly. "I met him when I was over in Iraq. He helped me with an important case."

"Dude's got mad skills, he must have been Special Forces," her son commented.

Joss nodded. "Yes, he was. I was told he was one of the very best." _So good the CIA recruited him_, she thought sadly to herself.

"Were you close?" Taylor asked. He was treading in dangerous territory, he knew that. But his mother had been alone long enough and he saw the way John had looked at her. Besides, Taylor worried about his mom out on the streets dealing with dangerous and desperate people; having a man of John's obvious skills hanging around struck Taylor as the perfect solution to both problems.

Joss shook her head. "We worked closely for a few days, but then his unit was reassigned to the south and I haven't seen him until he came to town a few months ago."

Taylor tilted his head to the side and looked at his mother through narrowed eyes. "Would you like to be close?"

"TAYLOR! That is none of your business, young man!" Joss bristled.

But Taylor had his answer. His mother would like to be very close to the former Special Op. He could tell. He held back a smile and continued to eat his breakfast.

* * *

><p>Joss knew she shouldn't work with John and Finch again, but she couldn't help herself, especially after they saved her son. She <em>needed<em> to help people and with John she was doing just that. As a homicide detective she was getting to the victims too late, they beyond help by the time she got the call. She could bring the victims some justice, but she would prefer to save their lives instead.

If she were being honest with herself she would say that she was thrilled to have John back in her life. She knew that she was more than just an asset to him, but she also knew she wasn't more than friend either. As much as she wanted to be more, she would settle for being his friend.

* * *

><p>John was ecstatic to have Joss back in the fold. He didn't save her son to oblige her to him, but he was glad he had gotten the chance to show her that he and Finch were doing the right thing, even though it might have been illegal.<p>

However, having Joss back in his life did present some problems for John. He had feelings for her that he had been nursing for years and it was often hard to turn them off and be a professional when it was time to work.

Deep down, he still heard Kara's voice, "You're the dark John. You're not even human anymore. You don't belong with the normal people." He knew Kara had been right, but he just could not let that last little bit of his humanity go. Joss was his anchor and he was going to hang on with both hands.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Many Happy Returns<strong>_

_(Joss's feelings as she discovers that Jessica was the woman John left behind because she couldn't be a soldier's wife.)_

Joss sat across from Jessica's mother sipping iced tea and politely listening to Sharon natter on about how wonderful her little girl Jessica was. Joss was still puzzled by John's connection to this family, but all her instincts were screaming at her that there was something very important here, something she needed to discover.

Finally, Joss determined that her instincts must be wrong and she rose to go. But Sharon followed her, not quite ready to stop talking about her lost child. Joss froze when Sharon casually mentioned that Jessica had briefly dated an Army man. _Could it be?_ She thought to herself.

Joss turned to the lonely mother with her best professional smile on her face. "This soldier, do you remember his name?" She tried to sound casual.

Sharon shook her head sadly. "No, they weren't together very long. He was always away on duty and then she would be alone. That wasn't the life for her. He told her the same thing, told her not to wait for him. However, sometimes I now wonder if she had waited for him, maybe things could have worked out; maybe she would be happy and we would talk again..." Sharon's voice trailed off wistfully.

Joss blinked. Could Jessica be the woman John left behind? The one he told her about in that cave all those years ago?

"Do you have any pictures of this man?" Joss' heart was thumping in her chest. She was so close…

"I don't, but I still have some of Jessica's things. You're welcome to look through them if you like."

"Sure."

Sharon led Joss out to the garage where several boxes were stored. Sharon left Joss alone to search for whatever it was that she was looking for.

Joss carefully and methodically rifled through what was left of the life of Jessica Arndt. She was about to give up when she pulled out an old jewelry box. Joss had had a similar one when she was younger and she had kept a few precious non-jewelry items in it. Joss poked through it until she pulled out a drawer and found a picture hidden underneath it. It was a photo of Jessica and the Army man she had dated, Sergeant John Davis.

Jessica was John's 'The One Who Got Away'. The one he had left behind because she couldn't be a soldier's wife and all he knew how to be was a soldier. That was why his DNA was all over the Arndt house: John discovered that Peter had killed Jessica and he exacted his revenge.

Joss stared at the picture for several minutes. John and Jessica were in a restaurant with a couple of large exotic drinks in front of them. They were holding hands on top of the table and smiling into the camera, obviously happy together. John's eyes were not haunted. They were not stone cold or angry, all which she was used to seeing. No, Jessica had made him happy. Really, truly happy.

Joss couldn't help but stare at the woman that John loved above all else. With a sinking feeling she realized that Jessica was her polar opposite. Jessica had been tall, blonde, thin, nurturing and warm. Joss was petite, dark, curvy, stubborn and combative. Jessica was a girlie girl that allowed John to be the alpha male, while Joss fought him every inch of the way.

If Jessica was John's ideal woman, then Joss most definitely wasn't. She now knew why John never showed any interest in her as a woman─ because he simply wasn't interested. He didn't even call her by her first name; it was always Carter or Detective. She now knew that connection she thought she felt with John in that cave was simply the imagination of a lonely woman who was too far from home and all alone.

Mentally Joss threw cold water on herself. This wasn't about her feelings for John and his lack of feelings for her; this was about John's feelings for Jessica. That was what mattered here, and what Finch had sent her here to discover. John killed Peter Arndt because Peter had killed the only woman John ever loved. Her heart ached for John and his loss.

Joss tucked the picture into her jacket pocket. Sharon wouldn't care about it and John deserved to have it. She could at least do that for him.

* * *

><p><em>(Added scene where Joss gives John the picture she found in Jessica's jewelry box. Finally.)<em>

As soon as she got back from New Rochelle, Joss began worrying about what she should do with the picture. She couldn't help herself; she took the picture out of her desk and looked at it again. John and Jessica smiling into the camera, obviously happy and in love looked back at her.

Joss wondered how John would react to the picture. Would be glad to get a small piece of his dead lover back? Or would he be unhappy at being reminded of what he had lost? John had to know she had been digging around in his past since she mentioned New Rochelle when she had pulled him over with Marshall Jennings in the trunk of his car, but did she _really_ want to remind him that she knew about that? Would John distance himself from her in an attempt to protect his aching heart?

Joss sighed and put the picture away. She was constantly lecturing John over having secrets; now it was her turn to put her money where her mouth was. She grabbed the burner phone and dialed.

"Detective," John's low sexy voice gave her a little flutter like it always did. He always sounded amused to hear from her. "To what do I owe this pleasure?"

Joss forced her voice to remain steady and light. "Can we meet? I have something I need to give you."

"Not a bullet, I hope?" he teased with a smile in his voice.

"Tempting, but no bullets," she shot back with a smile of her own.

"I'm intrigued, Carter. Are you free for drinks after work? I'm buying."

"Of course you are. Your employer has more money than mine. Hooligan's at six." She snapped the phone shut.

* * *

><p>At 5:56, Joss pushed open the door of the bar and paused to let her eyes adjust to the dim lighting and scan the room to see if John had already arrived. After a minute, she saw him sitting in a corner booth by himself with an untouched beer in front of him. Most people would have waved to her, but John didn't. He waited for her to see him. Guess the CIA taught him to never draw attention to himself.<p>

Joss made her way over to him and settled in the booth across from John. The waitress, whom she had a feeling had been VERY attentive to her handsome companion, materialized suddenly.

"What would your girlfriend like?"

Joss glared at the woman. She hated it when wait staff ignored her and talked to the man she happened to be with. John sensed her irritation and smirked at her, but he didn't bother to correct the waitresses.

"She likes red wine," he said softly. He looked over to Joss and she snarled that a glass of the house Merlot would be fine.

The wine arrived quickly, and Joss took a sip. John watched her carefully. He could sense how uncomfortable she was and it bothered him. He couldn't understand why she was so nervous.

Joss decided to go straight to the point. "John, did Finch tell you where I was last week?"

John was suddenly wary. "No. Finch said you were working with Donnelly, and you did mention New Rochelle last time we talked." The last time they talked was on a quiet country road and John had a violent, abusive Federal Marshal locked in the trunk of his car. He really hadn't had time to contemplate the implications of having Joss or the FBI in New Rochelle before now. Now he was worried.

Joss took a deep breath. "Yeah, Donnelly was in New Rochelle and Finch asked me to go along and keep an eye on him for you."

She watched him carefully and she saw the mask slip, just for a second. His eyes went ice cold and his jaw tightened. "How much do you– do they– know?" he asked, all trace of amusement gone from his voice. It wasn't not low and sexy anymore; it was cold and hard.

"They know your DNA was at the Arndt house, that's it. You are, of course, suspect number one in the disappearance and probable murder of Peter Arndt. They know Arndt was in debt to several loan sharks and they think you were working as a gun for hire when you took him out."

"And you, how much do you know?" The intensity of his stare made her uncomfortable. She was right; he didn't like her digging around in his past.

Joss told him the whole story of the investigation in New Rochelle, only leaving out the picture. When she was done, John took a small sip of his beer. "So the FBI decided that New Rochelle was a dead end? I'm grateful to you for that." The usual mocking tone of voice and the smirk were gone. He actually sounded a bit sad.

Joss took the envelope out of her purse and pushed it across the table. "Jessica's mom let me look through her things. I found this hidden in her jewelry box. She kept it all these years."

John gave Joss a hard look, picked up the envelope, and slid the picture out. He stared at the picture for a few moments, tense like a panther about to strike. Then suddenly his shoulders slumped, just a teeny bit, and the tension was gone, replaced by...melancholy? Wistfulness?

"I haven't seen this picture since 2001," he said finally.

Joss couldn't meet his eyes, so she stared down into her glass of wine. "I thought you should have it." She looked up at him and continued, "She would want you to have it."

John looked directly at Joss and she almost gasped at the pain she saw there. "Thank you for this", he said sincerely.

"You're welcome, John."

* * *

><p>John watched the woman across from him as she sipped her wine. In a way he was glad she knew about Jessica. Normally he didn't like it when people knew about his past, they tended to use it against him, or pity him, but he knew Joss was different. Aside from the fact she was one of the few people who had met him before the CIA had gotten their hooks into him, she had sympathy for what he went through, but there was no pity there and she would never throw Jessica in his face like Kara did.<p>

No, Joss understood because she had lost someone she had cared about too. He remembered how she talked about her family and he knew it must have killed her to break it up. She knew what it was like to lose someone she loved and still have to get up and do her job every morning. She knew love and loving someone was not a weakness, but a source of strength.

His hand went into his pocket and he ran his thumb along the bullet that he still carried. Silently he admitted to himself Joss was his source of strength. He had seen her with Taylor numerous times and he knew she could be warm and nurturing like Jessica. She could also smack him upside the head as well as Kara ever could without descending into cruelty like Kara often did.

As he watched Joss, it occurred to him that she was his perfect woman. She was the perfect combination of Jessica and Kara. He wished for the millionth time he had taken his chances with her all those years ago.

But his chances with her were over now; she knew he had killed Peter and why. She knew it was not an assassination carried out under orders in the name of patriotic duty, she knew it was pure revenge carried out by an inhuman killer. Cops and killers don't mix.

He was lucky she spoke to him at all, really. He would not push that luck by asking for more.


	8. Chapter 8 ContigencyBadCode

**Now we are up to season 2. This chapter will cover the events in The Contingency and Bad Code.**

* * *

><p><strong><span><em>The Contingency<em>**

_(extension of the scene where John goes to see Joss)_

John was frantic. Finch was gone and he needed help. There was only one person he could trust, and he made his way to her apartment; he needed to see Joss.

He loitered outside her building for a while. He could see Joss wasn't home, but Taylor was, so he decided to knock on the door rather than sneaking in. After all, he didn't want to scare the kid.

Taylor opened the door to John with a big smile on his face. "John! Long time no see!"

Despite the circumstances, John could not help but smile at the teen. Taylor was a tangible reminder of why he did this job; why he and Finch risked their lives every day. "Hi Taylor, is your mother here?"

"No, but she called a few minutes ago and said she was on her way. She should be here in about twenty minutes. You can come in and wait if you want."

John stepped into the apartment. "Thanks." Then he noticed that Taylor had his backpack on his shoulder. "Are you going out?"

"Yeah, sorry I can't stay. I'm going over to a friend's place to study and I'm already late. Let mom know for me, will ya?"

John nodded and managed a small smile. "Sure, see you later."

"Later, John." Taylor left with a cheerful wave.

John stood by the sliding glass door to the balcony, watching the street below and waiting quietly, while he absentmindedly rubbed his thumb over the bullet with his name on it in his pocket. The sun slipped below the horizon but John left the lights off, the dark suited his mood.

His mind roamed back in time to the ambush in Iraq and how Joss had had his back. It was no coincidence that they were the only survivors of the attack; they lived because they protected each other and worked together as a team. She was his friend and his comrade in arms. He needed her more than ever right now, she calmed him and brought out the best in him. He knew he could rely on her.

* * *

><p>Joss came home around twenty minutes later, right when Taylor said she would. "Taylor? Taylor?" she called.<p>

A soft voice came from the dark, "He's out."

Joss pulled her weapon and aimed it at the voice. She reached out and flicked on the light to see John Reese standing in her living room, his back to her. "He's studying with a friend."

Joss was rather annoyed that John scared her like that. "Sure John, come on over. Make yourself at home," she snapped at him in irritation.

John did not react to her words or her tone of voice at all. "Finch is gone. She took him."

Joss immediately forgot her annoyance and went into professional mode; John needed her help. She knew just how important Finch, and the job he gave John, was to the man standing with slumped shoulders and a lost expression in her living room. "Who took him?"

John turned towards her and she could see the sadness in his eyes. "Turning. She wasn't a shrink, she was lying to us. Her real name is Root at least that's what she goes by."

"What could he have that she would want ?" She had no idea who this Root was, but from the name she was some sort of computer person like Finch. Could she need Finch's skills for some computer crime?

John ignored the question and Joss made a face in frustration; she knew it was one of those things that he couldn't tell her. Great, this would make finding Harold that much harder. She shook her head and fell back on policing's tried and true methods for finding a missing person. "OK, I can file a missing persons; send Finch's picture to sheriff's offices, the FBI."

John walked over to her, standing so close she could feel his warm breath on her face and she could smell his aftershave. "You can't. Finch went off the grid for a reason. We have to find him on our own. I have a lead but I need you chasing down every other angle.

"When she took Finch, Root killed a former Intelligence operative named Alicia Corwin." John handed her a picture.

Briefly Joss's eyes flicked over the picture in her hand, Alicia Corwin was middle aged, with long brunette hair. She was attractive, but wouldn't stand out in any crowd, that's for sure. "OK, I'll get myself assigned to the investigation."

"Thank you," John said softy.

Joss heard the gratitude in his voice, and the sadness. She looked at him with concern. She had never seen him quite like this and it worried her. She would have thrown her arms around him and hugged him, but she figured he probably wouldn't appreciate it. "What are you going to be doing?"

"I'm not sure. Math I think." And he left.

Joss watched him go quietly. John was so lost. Working those cases was too important to him to lose, he needed them too badly. Briefly she wondered what happen to him if they didn't get Finch back. Then she firmly banished such thoughts from her mind. She would move heaven and earth to help John.

She looked down at the picture again. This woman was an intelligence operative, and was murdered by the same person who kidnapped Harold. What the hell did the guys get themselves mixed up in NOW? She rolled her eyes, life certainly had gotten interesting since John had landed in her precinct that night. But, truthfully, she was just so glad to the man in her life that she didn't mind a bit. She just wasn't about let him know that.

* * *

><p><em>(John and Joss's feelings during the scene at the parking garage)<em>

The mountain of a man picked John up from the floor of the parking garage and held him so they were nose to nose. "You're an embarrassment to your race. When we rise up…"

John heard the whoosh of the grenade launcher and felt the racist's body jerk as the grenade found its mark. His eyes rolled back in his head and he slowly crumpled to the ground, revealing Joss standing there with the launcher in her capable hands and a sly smile on her sensuous lips. She gave him one of those quick barely-there nods she'd given him many times before. John kept his face impassive, but inside he was screaming with laughter that the huge white supremacist was brought down by a petite black woman. _His _petite black woman. The racist hadn't stood a chance.

John was unable to keep his eyes off her as she casually strolled down the ramp toting the bag of guns he had given her to protect herself as she rounded up the Mafia dons months ago.

"I've been meaning to get this back to you," she said cheerfully, handing him the bag.

He grabbed the handle of the bag she held out to him and before she could let go he tugged it gently, forcing her closer to him. "Thank you," he said softly, his face mere inches from hers.

She just smiled at him. If Lionel and Leon had not been there, his resolve might have broken and he could have kissed her. He knew he could count on her and she had never let him down.

* * *

><p>Joss smiled at John coyly behind his back, where she could not be seen by Fusco or the Asian dude. It felt good to save his ass for once. He eyes dropped down to his rea end. <em>And a nice ass it is too<em>, she thought cheerfully. Her hand twitched and she barely restrained herself for reaching out and patting it.

_Stop it, Joss_, she firmly lectured herself. _He doesn't this now. Not that he would appreciate it from you at anytime._

Joss watched John take the dog – when the heck did he get a DOG? – and leave the garage. _Good luck, John,_ she said silently to herself.

* * *

><p><em>(Joss's thoughts when John shows up in her apartment and asks her to go to Texas with him)<em>

Joss walked out her of her bedroom the next morning to find the dog John had with him the previous night lolling on her couch.

"Morning," John said as he casually strolled into the room carrying her suitcase.

Joss threw up her hands in frustration. "You gotta be kiddin' me!" So much for her home being her castle... Well maybe it was, but her walls had been breached by an ex-operative with no sense of boundaries. Of course if she was being honest with herself, she loved it when John appeared in her house, she'd had several fantasies of having him here...in her bed...on the couch...in the….. Joss struggled to pull her thoughts away from this line of thinking and to focus on why John was here.

"I have a lead on Finch." He handed her the old newspaper story he printed out on the disappearance of the teenage girl in Texas all those years ago.

Joss looked at it. "You know where our mystery woman is headed?"

"No, but I think I found out where she's from. Pack your bags Carter, we're going to Texas."

Joss briefly considered telling him to forget it; she was not getting on a plane. She had work, she had Taylor, she had responsibilities, and she just couldn't hop in the next plane with him on a whim.

But when she looked into his eyes, they were pleading with her to help him and she knew she couldn't say no. She wasn't going to make him do this alone. He needed her help and she was going to give it to him. He'd had her back all those years ago in Iraq and she would have his back in this situation.

She was going to Texas.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Bad Code<strong>_

_(added scene on the plane to Texas)_

The plane raced down the runway and smoothly lifted itself into the air. Joss felt the thump as the landing gear retracted into the plane and her ears popped as it climbed higher and higher.

Joss glanced over at John in the seat next to her. He had paid for first class tickets on the flight to Dallas, so it was only the two of them in the row with Joss having the aisle seat and John taking the window seat. He was staring out the window and she couldn't see his face, but she could tell by the way he was sitting and how he held his shoulders that he was still very upset. He was tense, coiled to strike, just as he had been since Harold had been taken the crazy woman.

She still had no idea why Harold was taken or why he had "gone off the grid" all those years ago. Even John didn't seem to know the answers. Joss shook her head, all this was so strange, but it was her life since John had re-entered it.

Honestly, she wouldn't have it any other way, she understood that this was the price she would pay to have John in her life, and she was more than happy to pay it. At this point there was very little she wouldn't do for him.

"You're not going to spend the whole trip down brooding are you?" she gently teased him, hoping to draw him and get him to talk to her.

John finally looked over at her. "I don't brood, I ... think about things." The corners of his mouth quirked up a bit, then he looked sad again. "I was just thinking about Harold."

Joss ran her hand down his arm to his hand and squeezed it. "We'll get him back," she whispered to John in a attempt to reassure her friend.

John seemed started at first, then he smiled and squeezed her hand back before he let go.

"It's been a long time since we traveled together," she idly commented.

John smiled a bit. "Last time we traveled, it was into an ambush."

Joss dimpled at him. "Good thing there are no insurgents in Texas."

John winked at her in reply. "Don't be so sure, it's Texas after all."

Joss giggled and John leaned back in his seat, feeling better than he had since Root had taken Finch. He was so glad she was able to come with him; he knew had asked a lot of her by asking her to drop her busy life and accompany him to Texas. Despite the cavalierly confident way he had approached her, he had half expected her smack him with her suit case and throw him out of her home. He should have known she would have his back, again.

"So you think Hannah Frey is this Root person?" Joss asked as she pulled the copy of the newspaper article out of her case that was under the seat in front of her.

John nodded. "My source sent that to me."

"What source?" She always asked about the source.

John ignored the question, just like he always did when she asked about his sources. Joss growled in frustration and returned to studying the article. John felt bad; he wished he could bring her in, but he understood how dangerous it was to have any knowledge of the machine. Root taking Finch was proof enough of that and he was unwilling to put her in that kind of danger.

Pretending to read the in-flight magazine, he watched her out of the corner of his eye. She was wearing her usual work clothes of slacks, blouse and a vest. He wished he could tell her that he hated those clothes; they hid her figure, especially that tiny waist that he loved so much. She was so beautiful, but she felt she had to hide her femininity on the job. He understood why she felt that way, but he really wished he could see her in a skirt and heels…

John dragged his thoughts from dangerous territory and put his head back in the present. Joss did not need him mooning over her, and Finch sure didn't need him mooning over her. He decided to get some sleep in before they touched down in Dallas. He didn't plan in sleeping much until Finch was found; he had better take advantage of the downtime while he had it. He snuck one last look at the woman sitting next to him and smiled to himself. With her at his side he knew everything would be alright.

* * *

><p><em>(John and Joss's thoughts in the motel room when they first discover there is only one bed)<em>

John watched sadly as Joss asked the motel clerk for another room. Of course she wouldn't want to share a bed with him. She knew what he was, what he had done, of course the last thing she wanted was to be touched by a murderer. However, the owner assured that there were no other rooms and they were lucky to get this one. He handed her the key and left.

Joss gave him a nervous smile. "So what exactly are the sleeping arrangements?"

* * *

><p>Joss nearly died when she saw the one single bed in the room. God knows she would love to climb into bed with John, but there were a few problems with that. First, as bad as she wanted him, John didn't want her and she was afraid she would do something stupid. Second, he was already upset over Finch's abduction, so the last thing he needed was to have to deal with her unrequited feelings for him.<p>

"Well, I don't plan on sleeping much. And if I do the bath tub will…" John turned and saw the room only had a shower. "The floor will be fine."

Both of them stood there for a second, each staring at the other one, and then they looked away quickly. Neither one realized that the other wanted the exact same thing, a chance to act on those feelings they'd had for years. The king sized bed in between suddenly grew to take up the entire room with it's very presence.

It was John who broke the silence first. "Let's go down to the Police station and get ahold of that case file on Hannah Frey."

Joss put her hands up in a Stop gesture. "Ok wait, let's set up some ground rules here. You keep a low profile and let me deal with the local law enforcement, alright?"

John gave her the most innocent of looks. "That's why you're here."

That's not why she was there, really. John had worked several cases similar to this by himself. What he really needed was her emotional support. He needed her to keep him grounded and focused.


	9. Chapter 9 - TillDeathShadowBox

**I want to take a moment to everyone has favorited and followed this story. I appreciate the support.**

**The chapter covers Til Death and Shadow Box.**

**In Till Death, I have wondered why John initiated that conversation in the car. I got the feeling that he wanted to say something to Joss, but Beecher's call interrupted it.**

**In Shadow Box, we know that Harold and John listened in on Joss's date with Beecher so I have added that scene.**

* * *

><p><span><strong>Till Death<strong>

_(John's thoughts as they have their conversation in the car)_

John watched through his scope as Mr. Drake paced the floor, talking on the phone. It was well into the evening and he was still working. John growled in his throat. He was having trouble with this case. It bothered him to see the Drakes, who by all account once had a loving marriage, toss that love aside like a used tissue. John could not understand throwing away love like that.

John looked over as Joss got back in the car and handed him his cup of coffee.

"Mr. Drake doing anything he shouldn't?" she asked wryly.

"He's working like everything is normal. Like he didn't hire an ex-con to kill his wife," John replied.

"Fusco says the missus is hard at work too." Joss sipped her coffee.

John paused for second, remembering Joss's marital problems. "How did two people go from being in love to wanting each other dead?"

"Being in love is one thing. Being married is a whole 'nother animal. Those vows change everything," Joss said as she fiddled with her coffee cup.

"Which one? Till death do us part?" John joked.

She snickered. "Something like that." Then she grew serious. "One day you're married to your soul mate; then you watch them turn into someone else. Sometimes you were so in love with who a person was, you can't bring yourself to love who they've become." Joss stared off into space thinking about Paul. She had honestly felt he was her soul mate at one time. She remembered how her heart had done somersaults when he had walked into the room, and how she thought they would conquer the world together. She missed the man he had been before the war.

Picking up on her mood, John hesitated slightly before asking his next question, but decided that now was the time. He might get another opening to ask. "Do you ever think about moving on?"

"Like dating?" She snickered again. "Sure, in my spare time, when I'm not being a single mom, or homicide detective, or… whatever _this_ is." She paused and smiled at him. "What about you?"

John took a breath and briefly touched the bullet he carried in his pocket. He wasn't quite sure what to say. He was ready to move on and he wanted to move with her, but he was a killer and she was a cop. How could he tell her that she was the one he wanted?

Her phone rang and the moment was gone.

* * *

><p><em>(extended scene at the end of the episode)<em>

"I suppose anything is worthwhile when life gives you a second chance with the one you love."

John watched sadly as Finch limped slowly away. Looking down at the desk, John knew the photo that was lying face down was a picture of Harold with Grace, without even having to pick it up. Finch had done the right thing for the woman he loved despite the pain it caused him. But Finch would never stop pining for his lost love.

John sighed heavily and left the building. _Some of us don't even get a first chance_, he thought. He overheard Detective Beecher ask Joss out and, to John's heart break, she had accepted. Despite his feelings, he knew it was the right thing for her. She needed someone who walked in the light. The last thing she needed some broken ex-assassin who had nothing to offer her but gunfights and an early grave.

_And love_, a little voice inside his head said quietly. _You can offer her your complete and unconditional love._

John gave his head a quick sharp shake silencing that tiny voice. Love wasn't enough; if it was he would have married Jessica all those years ago. No, someday his past was going to catch up with him and he had to make sure that no one else would be hurt when that finally happened. He had to keep Joss at arm's length for her own good. She deserved better than him.

* * *

><p><span><strong>Shadow Box<strong>

_(added scene where John and Harold listen in on Carter's date with Beecher)_

John strode briskly into the computer room in the library. "Finch, turn on the mic on Carter's phone."

Finch looked at John. "Do you think the detective is in trouble, Mr. Reese?"

John shrugged. "She has a date tonight with that Detective Beecher. Fusco says he heard some disturbing things about the man. For all we know he could be HR."

Finch's eyebrows shot up. "Well in that case we should be monitoring her."

John nodded. "That's what I thought, too."

Finch turned to his computer and tapped a few keys. The sound of laughter floated out of Finch's speakers and John stared wide-eyed in surprise while Bear pricked up his ears and made a happy sound. The voice sounded like Joss's, but he had never heard her laugh like that before. With a twinge, OK more than a twinge, he realized that _he_ had never made her laugh like that before. Beecher had known her only a few days and he was already ahead of John.

Finch, completely unaware of John's discomfort, muttered, "Well ,that sounds promising."

John swallowed hard and put on the cool, professional front that had served him so well in the past. "Yes it does," he agreed.

Each giggle Joss gave Beecher was like a knife to John's heart. He heard the smile in her voice as she relaxed and chatted happily with her fellow detective, and John mentally reviewed all the different ways he knew to torture a man. Beecher asked questions that John had never dared ask and each answer cut him to the quick. Beecher was doing what John had always wanted to do and never dared.

The two men listened until they heard Beecher escort Joss home and say good night at her door. Finch cut the connection as soon as they heard the door close behind her as she entered her apartment.

"If he is HR, he's putting up a good front, Mr. Reese," Finch said thoughtfully. "But we should remain vigilant. I'll run a background check on Beecher in the morning. We can't be too careful."

"No, we can't. Thanks Finch. I'll see you in the morning." John rose from his chair to leave and started to walk away. He needed to get out of there and clear his head before he committed another homicide.

"Mr. Reese, if I may…." Finch started to say

John turned and looked at his friend. Finch shifted uncomfortably in his chair, like he knew he shouldn't say what he was about to say, but he was going to say it anyway.

"Just because this date went well, doesn't mean that Beecher is the right man for her," Finch said softly.

John looked blandly at Finch and replied, "I have no idea what you mean by that, Harold. Good night." John turned and left, but there was no mistaking the tension in his shoulders as he walked away.

Bear moaned a tiny little whine and Finch stroked the dog's head. "I know boy, but there is nothing we can do about it if Mr. Reese chooses not to act."

* * *

><p>As John made his way to his lonely loft, he desperately tried to convince himself that Beecher was good for Joss. Beecher was stable and respectable. The FBI and the CIA were not chasing him. Best of all, he wasn't a murderer.<p>

But John couldn't help but wonder if Beecher loved her. Did Beecher cherish every moment he had with her? John did. Sure, Beecher _liked _her─ that was obvious. He made her laugh and they talked for hours on their date. But did Beecher fully understand what an extraordinary person she was? Did he understand what a precious gift he got every time Joss smiled at him?

Of course if Beecher hurt Joss, John was going to kill him. Slowly and painfully. And while he would never, ever wish for her to be hurt, a part of him was hoping for any excuse to get rid of the man…

* * *

><p><em>(Joss and John's thoughts in the bank basement when John is caught)<em>

It took every ounce of discipline John had to not react to seeing Joss after he was handcuffed. He had hoped she wouldn't see him like this, under arrest like the criminal he was.

Donnelly looked the four men in suits over and turned to Joss. "Well do you recognize him?" he asked. She pretended to take a good long look at the four men in handcuffs.

John gave her a quick tight nod to let her know that she should give him up; he didn't want her taking any chances for him. He knew this day would come, he had hoped it wouldn't be for a while longer, but he had long ago accepted that he was either going to wind up dead or in jail. He was in this mess thanks to his own stupidity and weakness for veterans; all he could do now was make sure he didn't take Joss or Harold or Lionel down with him.

But Joss refused to play along. She was every bit the solder he was and she was not going to leave her man behind. She shook her head. "No."

John wanted to scream at her, "Don't do this! Don't risk yourself for me!" He couldn't though, not without exposing her lie to Donnelly. He closed his eyes, he wasn't worth it.

"Cuff em all!" Donnelly snapped in frustration as he stalked off.

Joss watched as the men were lead away. Her emotions were in turmoil, but she was careful not to let it show on her face.. She desperately hoped Harold had a rabbit to pull out of his hat; she was not going to lose John again.


	10. Chapter 10 - 2PiR PrisonersDilemma

**This chapter covers 2PiR and Prisoner's Dilemma.**

**For 2PiR, I have added two scenes that were not in the episode. The first scene is where Joss deletes John's fingerprints from the system, which was mentioned in the show but not shown. I wanted to show how far Joss's "moral compass" had progressed to allow for shades of gray and how she had come to accept that sometimes the legal thing and the right thing were not the same thing. **

**The second scene deals with how John felt about being locked up, and how he felt about possibly losing the life he had built. We never saw his side, he barely appeared in the episode, so I wanted to touch on that.**

**In Prisoner's Dilemma, I rewrote the interrogation scene between John and Joss to touch on their shared history in Iraq. Joss reveals almost as much as John does during the interrogation in my version.**

* * *

><p><em><span><strong>2PiR<strong>_

_(added scene where Joss deletes John's fingerprints from the system. In reality a detective cannot do this, the database is maintained by the FBI, but this is such a key moment I'm going to ignore that...)_

Joss paused for just a few seconds with her finger on the Delete key. She was about to remove John's fingerprints from the system.

She knew what she was about to do was not just illegal; it was a gross violation of the trust placed in her by Donnelly and the NYPD. She didn't like the idea of stabbing Donnelly in the back, but she liked the idea of Donnelly throwing John in jail for being an enemy combatant even less. John was guilty of a lot of things, but being an enemy combatant was _not_ one of them.

Donnelly had no idea what kind of man, a _good_ man, he was wrongly pursuing. John operated in the gray area and his methods were illegal, but ultimately they were the right thing to do. Joss mentally counted the number of lives he and Finch had saved that she knew about and the number was quite impressive. She also had a feeling there were probably quite a few she didn't know about on top of that. The world needed relentless warriors for the light like John in it. She was not going to let him go without a fight. She had made that mistake before.

Her mind drifted back to the moment she first saw John in her captain's office in Iraq nearly ten years ago. Never in her wildest dreams did she think they would wind up like this. She closed her eyes and wondered for probably the millionth time how things would be different if she had kissed him in that damned cave. So many regrets…

But, she hadn't kissed him and now here they were. She had to deal with the consequences of that fateful decision. A decision that now had Joss trying to decide if she should push this button and betray everything she had sworn to uphold.

If there was one thing Joss had learned in the year and a half she'd been working with "The Man in the Suit" and his nerdy employer, it was that the world was not black and white and things were not very simple. Sometimes the best thing you could do was to do the illegal thing; John and Finch understood this fact and acted on it. Now it was her turn.

She pushed the button. She was rather surprised by how easy it was to do the illegal thing when she knew it was the right thing. She smiled a tiny smile; John was having a definite effect on her.

"Action complete," the computer responded.

"Yeah tell me about it," she said. Now all she had to do was break into the FBI lab…

* * *

><p><em>(added scene where John thinks he might never see Joss or work the numbers again.)<em>

John stretched out on the cot in his cell, stared up at the ceiling, and sighed. He had been incarcerated before, in worse places than this. He had been in some pretty grim third world holes; places where meals were infrequent, mattress on the floor, and his cellmates had been rodents not much smaller than Bear. He had endured it all, but for some reason this time he was really depressed.

And he knew why. Before, when working for the CIA, he hadn't cared if he lived or died. Death would have been a relief; but now he had a purpose with Finch and the numbers. He had friends and he had Joss… _whatever this is_.

Joss. He closed his eyes and his lips disappeared into a thin line. The thought of never seeing her again was killing him. He opened his eyes and blinked away the tears that pooled. It was probably better this way, that she didn't know he thought she had hung the moon. She could go on with her life without having to worry about him. She could move on, probably with Beecher. He hoped Beecher would take good care of her; she shouldn't be alone. She deserved a good man. Someone who wasn't John Reese.

"Goodbye, Joss," he said softly to himself, his voice breaking.

* * *

><p><em><span><strong>Prisoner's Dilemma<strong>_

_(rewrite of the interrogation scene since they have so much shared history in this version)_

John faced Joss across the table and forced himself to remain calm. The last thing he wanted was for her to go down with him, and yet here she was, fighting for him like no one ever had before.

He was confused; he wasn't worth losing everything for. She had a good career, her son, and her life yet she was risking it all for a man she _knew_ was a killer. She knew he was a monster so why was she jeopardizing everything for him? He didn't deserve this; he wasn't worth it.

He forced such thoughts from his mind. She was here and she was risking it all for him so he had to perform. They had to convince Donnelly that he was John Warren, not 'The Man in the Suit'. He allowed his mind to briefly return to the interrogation in Iraq. They had been a good team back then. They had completely fooled the prisoner into giving them the information they needed, but Donnelly is a lot smarter and experienced than Rashad was.

Joss was relaxed. Her back was to Donnelly, as well as the camera that was focused on John's face, so while she kept her voice professional and calm, she smiled at him frequently. She was letting him know that he was not alone.

He took advantage of the circumstances to flirt with her. If he failed, he wanted her to know him, to understand him, at least somewhat. The back story he and Finch had concocted for this eventuality was very close to his real story, so she would at least know the highlights of his life. That made him happy. Even if he got sent to prison or got a black hood with a bullet in his head, she would truly know him.

"Ever been married?" She asked.

"No."

"Ever live with anyone?"

"Why, you interested?" John's eyes twinkled at her.

Joss giggled. _You have no idea_, she thought.

Then there was Donnelly's voice in her ear, pulling her out of the moment as he ordered her to ask about a girlfriend, anyone John may have been in a relationship with. Mentally Joss swore; interrogating someone she knew as well as she knew John was proving to be one of her toughest tests yet.

At this point Finch broke in and asked her to wait. They had not anticipated Donnelly being so thorough and tenacious, and Finch needed a moment to create whole new person out of thin air.

Joss hesitated a second and John ─ sensing that something was going down even if he couldn't hear Donnelly or Finch ─ broke in. "I'm sorry, how many more questions do I have to answer?" he asked in a tired and confused tone of voice, playing the part of the innocent financial manager perfectly.

That gave Joss the time she needed to think. She decided to answer a question that John had asked her earlier, playing her part as the interrogator who was building a rapport with her prisoner.

"Tell you what, I'll answer one of your questions and then you answer mine," she said. John cocked his head to the side and nodded.

"You asked if I ever killed anyone. Interrogators don't spend a lot of time in combat; we spend our time behind the lines, questioning prisoners that are brought to us. I've only been in combat once. I was sent to a forward base to question a prisoner there. There was Sergeant with me, an Army Ranger. I was told he was the best. He was supposed to watch my six and keep me out of trouble.

"We got the intel we needed from the prisoner and we were riding in a convoy headed back to Camp Liberty. The convoy had to drive through territory that was heavy with insurgent activity. We were ambushed. I would have died there except for that Sergeant."

Joss paused and looked over at John. His eyes were locked on her, listening to her and she could tell he was remembering the fight with along with her.

She took a deep breath and went on. "He dragged me out of our transport just before it was hit with a RPG. Thanks to him we were the only survivors. I'll never forget that I owe my life to that man.

"He was busy firing on the insurgents. I took a rifle from a dead man and I covered his back. He had just saved my life. I wasn't going to let anything happen to him, so I killed a few guys who were going to kill him." Joss looked John straight in the eye. "I would do it again in a heartbeat." She saw John look away and blink back a few tears. _Message received_ she thought with satisfaction.

Joss nearly jumped as she heard Donnelly's impatient voice in her ear, "Ask about the girlfriend!" Joss ground her teeth together in frustration over the fact the moment had been destroyed, but gave no outward sign she was unhappy. She didn't want John to get the wrong impression since he couldn't hear Donnelly. Fortunately Finch chose the moment to break in, "I'm ready, Detective. Go ahead."

Joss looked at John smiled. "Now it's your turn again. Ever been in love?" she asked.

John considered the question for moment. He would tell her about Jessica of course, but would he tell her about his feelings for her?

"Twice. First time was a gal named Allison West…" John went on to describe in veiled terms his relationship with Jessica. Joss easily recognized the story, despite the fact that the details were changed.

"When the planes hit the towers I was with Allie in a hotel room in Niagara Falls. I had just gotten out of the service. But as we sat together on that bed watching it all go down, I knew I had to go back. Then I looked at her. She was quiet and trying to be strong. I don't know, maybe I was scared. But when I looked at her I saw this whole other life I knew I would never have if I went back, so I stayed."

Joss' heart ached for the man sitting across from her. She knew the truth of course, that he didn't stay, that he had returned to the service and Jessica had died at the hands of her own husband. She could see the pain in his eyes, but she could not offer him any comfort. All she could do was stay in character and hope she could get him out of here as quickly as possible.

"What happened?" she asked quietly.

John shifted uncomfortably in his eat. "I was an idiot, I let her slip away. Instantly regretted it, but it was too late. It funny how the choices you make change who you become. You pick one path other the other. You hear an explosion at a bank and try to help, suddenly all these years later if I had re-upped when the towers came down, who would I be now?" There was a pause; they both knew the answer to that question.

"You said you had been in love _twice_. Tell me about the other time."

John smiled. "There was another woman I met after Allie. Her name was Jackie, she was a lawyer. She reached out to me when I was in a very dark place after losing Allie, but it never went anywhere because she was married." He looked directly at her to gauge her reaction. Would she understand what he had just said?

Joss was very glad her back was to Donnelly and she was not being filmed. For a second it seemed like all the air had been sucked out of the room. Jackie? Married? Surely he didn't mean her! She took a breath to steady herself. She blushed. John must be playing with her; that was the only explanation. She had better move on quickly before she gave away the game…

She was incredibly grateful that Donnelly chose that moment to pull her out of the room because one of the other prisoners was ready to talk. Maybe after this was all over she would ask John about 'Jackie'.

* * *

><p><em>(John's feelings when they are caught by Donnelly at the bridge)<em>

After his release, John decided to go to the little bridge where he and Joss had met so many times before. He wanted to go someplace that had a connection to her. He'd been so convinced that he would never see her again that he needed to feed that bond that they shared.

As he approached the bridge, he realized that it was already occupied. His heart soared when he realized that she was here too. He made a decision; it was time to stop running from his feelings. It was time to tell her how he felt, how he's always felt for her, and then he was going to pull her to his body and hold her tight. He was going to kiss her and see where this would take them.

He approached her silently, but she was not startled by his sudden appearance next to her. "Waiting for someone?"

She gave a small half smile and shrug. "No one in particular."

They started strolling down the bridge and John sensed that now was the time. "I couldn't have gotten through this without a friend…" Before he could get to the heart of his speech, Donnelly was there with his gun in their faces. John stared hard at Joss, begging her forgiveness for ruining her life.

"I'm sorry. This is my fault," John nearly choked on his words. He had been such a fool to think they could be together, but now Joss was going to pay the price for his idiocy.

Joss looked at him with those huge eyes of hers. She wasn't angry with him at all, she understood.

The one thing he swore would never happen had just happened. Joss was about to lose everything because of him. His past had caught up with him and was going to destroy her too. He was never going to forgive himself for this, for what he was doing to her. He should have stayed away. He should never have touched her life with his bloody fingers.

John listened with a heavy heart as Donnelly spoke to Joss in voice heavily laced with disappointment and disgust. Joss, the most moral upstanding person he knew, was now officially a dirty cop and it was his fault. Each sneer Donnelly threw at her cut him to his heart. Joss, however, remained calm throughout.

John listened helplessly as Joss defended the work she had done with him. "We're helping people!" she insisted. All John could think was that he would trade all those people he helped to give Joss her life back.

John felt so bleak as Joss insisted he was a good man. _No Joss; I was back in Iraq, but not anymore_ he thought. Then another thought occurred to him. Had Joss helped him because out of misplaced loyalty to the man he _used_ to be? Was she helping John Davis, and not John Reese? He felt sick at the thought.

John never saw the truck coming…


	11. Chapter 11 - DeadReckoningBookedSolid

**This chapter deals with Dead Reckoning and Booked Solid. I touch on John and Joss's feeling in the scene in the hallway, and I extended the scen at the end when Snow vest explodes.**

**Yes, I know there were no Careese scenes in Booked Solid, but I needed to explain the fact that John and Joss were estranged for the next several episodes, and John began sleeping with Zoe. After everything they had been through together during the Riker's arc, how could he cut himself off from her and start seeing another woman? It needed some explanation. Let me know if you like mine.**

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Dead Reckoning<strong>_

_(John and Joss's feelings in the hallway scene)_

John really shouldn't have been surprised when Joss and a very winded Fusco burst through the stairwell door and confronted him. He had a feeling they, along with Finch, had been tearing the city apart looking for him. His heart stood still when she grabbed his arm and looked up at him with those huge gorgeous eyes of hers. She was desperate to help him and he was just as desperate to get her away from him before she got hurt again. She'd nearly been arrested and lost her son and her career; this time she could lose her life. He would not let that happen.

John had so many things he wanted to say to her. He wanted to tell her he had been in love with her for years, and memories of her had gotten him through many bad nights in combat and the CIA. But as she clung to his arm begging to let her help him, John knew he couldn't tell her any of that. If he did, she would never let him go and she would die with him. John could accept his own death; he would not accept hers.

He was incredibly grateful to Fusco for playing the Taylor card and dragging Joss away from him. All he could say was, "Thank you… both of you."

John's heart was heavy in his chest as he turned and walked away. He did not allow himself to look back. He always knew that he was going to die violently and alone, but some part of him wished he'd had a chance with Joss. God knows he was far from perfect, but he would have cherished her and loved her the way she deserved. He could only hope Beecher would do it in his stead. He could only hope that Joss would not shed too many tears for him.

* * *

><p>Joss watched him go, already shedding numerous tears for him. Fate was taking John away from her for the second and final time. Bitterly, she mentally went over all the things she wanted to tell him.<p>

She wanted to tell him she meant every single word she said to Donnelly. He was not a monster; he was a good man. She knew monsters, she chased monsters for a living, and no one with his big generous heart could be a monster. He may be dying alone but he was not dying unloved.

Because the important thing she wanted to tell him was that she loved him. She had loved him since Iraq. Everything he had done since came to New York had reinforced in her mind that he was a good man. She would follow him to that roof and do everything in her power to save him. He deserved nothing less.

But she had Taylor to think about. So she allowed Fusco to drag her away from John and she watched him go to the rooftop, never once looking back. She could barely see his back as he vanished up the stairs through her tears. She wanted to scream at the universe for letting this happen to such a good man. She wanted to rail against fate for taking him away. The whole thing was so unfair that she and John would find each other again, only for her to lose him in such a horrible, bloody manner.

She wanted him back, dammit.

* * *

><p><em>(extended scene at the end of the episode where Carter and Fusco deal with the aftermath of Snow's bomb vest exploding and realize that John's vest did not explode)<em>

Joss and Fusco stood on the street below looking up, waiting for the explosion that would signal the end of John Reese. Joss fidgeted, barely able to hold back the tears. As usual, Fusco was more aware of what was going on around him than he let on and wished he could find a way to comfort her. He had known that John and Joss had an unconsummated "thing" for each other for some time and he knew that losing John was going to be devastating for her.

After several minutes slowly ticked by, Fusco began to feel some relief. _Surely the bomb should have gone off by now?_ he thought.

"Must have been a dud," he said hopefully to the already grieving woman next to him. The words were barely out of his mouth when they heard the explosion, but it came from around the corner and not from the roof.

They raced around the corner to see the remains of a car in flames. Joss knew immediately what happened. Mark Snow was dead. She looked up at the roof again. If Snow's vest had detonated, John's could not be far behind. But shouldn't it have gone off at the same time? She barely dared to hope that somehow her beloved vigilante had figured out a way to cheat death yet again.

In a daze Joss did her job. She and Fusco herded civilians away from the scene and began talking to witnesses. The fire department arrived and put out the fire. In all the chaos, Joss felt a pair of eyes on her. Relief flooded through her senses to the point where she was nearly driven to her knees as she turned to see John standing there with Finch next to him.

Finch. She should have known the odd little genius would figure out a way to disarm the bomb. She would never under estimate him again.

Her eyes locked with John's and he gave her a small smile and tight nod. Joss blinked back tears and nodded back. Joss turned back to the crowd. When she looked back, she discovered that John and Finch had melted into the shadows and were gone. With a light heart, Joss returned to her job.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Booked Solid<strong>_

After Finch defused the bomb vest, John ruthlessly cut off his feelings. He had actually dared to feel happy and it made him complacent, and that complacency got him a cell at Riker's courtesy of the FBI. It had got Donnelly killed and it nearly ruined Carter's life.

He decided that he had to stop feeling, stop being complacent. So he boxed away his feelings and went back to that dark place that Kara had taught him to use so effectively in their work. She had been right all along and he accepted his fate stoically. Donnelly had been right too, John signed up for this long ago, he _was_ a monster. The universe had issued him a cosmic smack down for daring to believe that someone like him could seek a measure of redemption, that he might be able to somehow balance out his karma by doing good things. Not everyone deserved a second chance.

John decided to stay as far away from Joss as he could. Everything he touched turned to shit and he wasn't about to let her get hurt again. He had nearly destroyed her life when they were caught by Donnelly. and she had been willing to die with him when he was about to blown into tiny bits. He had to protect her, from _him_.

Looking back on it, John was glad Donnelly had prevented him for telling Joss he loved her. Had he had a chance to confess his real feelings for her, he knew she would never have let go of him in that hallway. That had been a close call, far too close for his liking.

He refused to let her get hurt because of him, but staying away from his emotional anchor was eating away at him. When had she become so important? When had he come to depend on her steady presence and moral compass? There was now a huge gaping hole in his life and it threw him off his game. He had actually even begun to feel happy before he got sent to Riker's, but all traces of that happiness were gone, replaced by anger alternating with melancholy.

So when the sexy and available Zoe plunked herself down next to him the hotel bar, it seemed like the perfect antidote to what ailed him. Zoe had made it very clear to him in the past that she wanted him, but she was also a pragmatist with a highly developed sense of self-preservation that Joss seemed to lack. Simply put, Zoe would not stick her neck out for him. He wouldn't have to worry about bringing her down with him when the inevitable happened because she would never let that happen.

John showed Zoe the key card and to his surprise, she accepted his invitation to the suite. The night that followed was exhilarating. It felt damn good to have sex with a beautiful woman, even if there was no deep emotional commitment. This relationship would work for him, for a while at least.


	12. Chapter 12 -InExtremisZeroDayGodeMode

**I cover three episodes in this chapter, In Extremis, Zero Day and God Mode.**

**Originally**** I was not going to deal with the phone call in In Extremis because quite frankly, I could not figure out why John seemed to be angry with Joss during the call. It seemed very out of character for him, and I thought Joss, by her actions during the Rikers arc, made it very clear that she did believe in second chances. I never understood why John would say, "Once a dirty cop always a dirty cop" to her. Hello? She just broke into an FBI lab for you! Then it occurred to me that John never did find out just how far she went for him. I figured he was still angry at himself and projected that anger onto her ****because he didn't know any better. So I included a scene where Finch finally tells John what she did for him while he was in jail. This becomes the catalyst for their reconciliation in Zero Day.  
><strong>

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>In Extremis<strong>_

As Joss watched IAB lead Fusco away, she struggled with her conscience. She had grown to care about the big lug in the past year and half they had been working together. He had been a good trust worthy friend during a time when she had no idea who she could trust. He stood by her side when Elias was knocking on the door of the condo were they had holed up with the Mafia Dons. He helped her rescue John from certain death in the parking garage when Simmons and the rest of HR were there to kill him.

But after Fusco's tearful confession to being a member of HR and murdering people for them, she just wasn't sure about anything anymore. She had heard the rumors about Fusco being dirty when he first showed up on the precinct, and she kept him at arm's length for the longest time because of those rumors. But he had earned her trust numerous times since and she now called him a friend.

Lord knows since John had blasted back into her life she overlooked a lot of illegal behavior on the part of her friends, but that was for the greater good, to help people, and save lives. Fusco's crimes had not been in the name of helping people; they were in the name of profit and power. In Joss's book there was a huge difference, one she having trouble looking past.

Joss kept thinking about how remorseful Fusco had been. How he admitted that he deserved what was coming and how he was ready to pay for his crimes. She thought about all the people the he helped working with John and Harold. He had been working with them longer than she had. Was there such a thing as redemption? Could someone truly turn their life around and conquer the monster inside them?

She nibbled on her lower lip while she thought about John. She had no doubts that the man he was in the CIA was not the man he was now, or had been back in Iraq. If John could change then Fusco could, too. She was sure of it now.

She stopped playing with the phone in her hand and dialed John's number. If anyone could help Fusco now, it was him.

* * *

><p>John's phone rang as he was ducking into the wine cellar to change into the waiter uniform he had "borrowed." He answered it on a reflex before he really thought about who was calling him. Had he thought about it, he never would have answered. He was still on his self-imposed exile from Joss.<p>

"What are you doing about Fusco?" Joss's voice demanded.

"At the moment, nothing. I'm busy," he snapped. Oh God, no, he could not do this right now. He was about to kill another man in cold blood, he didn't need to be talking to his moral compass, to his heart, right now.

"After all we've been through? I thought he was your friend." Her voice was accusing.

John understood the subtext. He had abandoned her and now he was abandoning Fusco as well. _What did you expect Joss? I'm a monster. I am the dark. Never forget that,_ he thought.

"I always thought he was your partner," John shot back.

"Not after what he's just told me! Do you know what he's done? He deserves to be behind bars." He could hear the contempt in her voice. _Yeah, I know what he's done. Child's play compared to what _I've _done_, John thought bitterly.

"Listen Carter, no one's ever looked at me as the moral benchmark. I guess you will have to make that call yourself." _Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance, Joss?_

"I'm a cop, OK? But it's Fusco. It's not as simple as that."

_It never is Joss._ "I always thought it was. In your book, once a dirty cop, always a dirty cop, right? You'll have to excuse me. I have to get back to work." John angrily cut the connection. He had a murder to commit.

* * *

><p>Joss flipped the phone shut. She couldn't believe that John wasn't going to help, but he made himself pretty clear. She stared sadly over at Fusco's desk and her eyes were drawn to the back of the picture that sitting there. Even though the picture faced away from her, she knew it well. It was Fusco's son Lee, caught in a candid moment, smiling into the camera with a mischievous twinkle in his eye that reminded her of his father. Her heart ached thinking about how Lee would take the news his old man was dirty.<p>

Joss lips pressed together in a thin line in an unconscious imitation of one of John's characteristic gestures. John had challenged her to make her own decision about Fusco, about if she believed in second chances. She had reached her decision.

She did.

She called Finch. "I need a favor, Harold."

* * *

><p><em>(Added scene, takes place after John returns from upstate New York after Dr. Nelson dies. John finally finds out how much Joss helped him during his time in Riker's, and finally realizes that she does believe in redemption)<em>

John walked into the library and slumped into a chair. The last twenty four hours had been one emotional ride, but at least Dr. Nelson had lived long enough to see some form of justice done before he died.

Finch looked over at his exhausted employee. He knew John had been up for more than twenty four straight hours. He wished John had just stayed at a hotel in upstate New York instead of driving back immediately. However, he could understand why John had hurried home. Watching Dr. Nelson slowly die must have been an agonizing experience for a man who had become used to preventing such deaths.

"We don't have a new number yet, John. Go home and rest."

John rubbed his hands over his face. "I'll be fine with some coffee, Finch. We have to figure out what to do about Fusco now."

Finch returned his eyes to the screen in front of him. "It's been taken care of Mr. Reese."

John looked over at his employer with a smirk. "What did you do? Wipe Stills and Davison from the system?"

Finch didn't even bother to look up. "_I_ did nothing, except loan Detective Carter Bear. _She_ took care of it by moving Still's body away from Oyster Bay."

Finch was watching John out of the corner of is eye and was quite pleased to see John's mouth drop open with shock. He kept his face impassive, however, and continued tapping away on his keyboard, giving no sign that he saw John's surprise.

"Jos─ Carter moved Stills? By herself? He had to weigh 180 to 190! She probably doesn't even weigh more than 120 soaking wet!" John exclaimed.

Finch finally looked over at John again and raised an eyebrow. "I doubt that Stills was that heavy or even completely intact after decaying in the ground for a year and half, Mr. Reese."

John felt sick. He had moved a few bodies in his time. He had a pretty good idea of the state that Stills' corpse had been in and what a horrible task it would have been to move it. Joss had done it all by herself to save a dirty cop. "I don't understand. Why would she do that?"

Finch shot John a pitying look. "It seems that Joss believes in second chances. You told her that she would have to answer that question for herself. I think she has, unequivocally."

John looked like Finch had punched him in the gut and he just stared at the older man for a few minutes. Finally, to cover up his discomfort at having misjudged the woman he loved so badly, he spoke. "Wait, when did you start calling her Joss?"

Finch was pulling no punches today. "When I helped her break into the FBI lab to swap out your DNA."

"What?" John was honestly confused. "I thought you just hacked into the system and changed ... stuff."

Finch was stunned to discover that John had no idea what had happened while he was in Riker's. Finch assumed that Joss had told John about her activities to free him. "John, have you talked to her since the night Stanton and Snow died?"

John hung his head. "No."

Finch took his glasses off and massaged the bridge of his nose. So many things fell into place now. John didn't know the extreme measures Joss had taken to free him, because he had been avoiding her. No wonder he was so curt with her with she had called him about Fusco. To Joss the phone call had been about Fusco, but to John the call had been about him.

"John, the truth is Joss went to extraordinary lengths to free you from the FBI. She drugged an innocent man who fit your genetic profile and broke into the FBI lab to swap out his DNA with yours. She deleted your fingerprints from the system. You already know about all the lies she told Donnelly on your behalf. She did it all because she thought you were worth saving, just as she moved Still's body to save Fusco."

John couldn't say anything. He just put his head in his hands as he thought about grade-A bastard he had been lately. He'd had no idea that Joss had gone to such lengths to save him, and he repaid the debt by turning his back on her. He wished he could crawl into a hole and die when he thought about how callous he had been when she had called him the previous night.

He wondered if she would ever forgive him for forcing her to move a rotting corpse on her own. He wondered if she could forgive him for turning his back on her when she needed him and choosing to help a complete stranger instead. _Hey Joss. Yeah, sorry I was too busy committing a revenge murder instead of helping out the woman who nearly lost everything, including her son, for me. It was all a misunderstanding. Talk to you later._

How could he ever face her again?

* * *

><p><strong><em><span>Zero Day<span>_**

The Machine was silent and had been for over a week. John's purpose was ripped from him and he had nothing else. He couldn't even find comfort in Zoe's bed. In a moment of weakness John decided that it was finally time to face Joss. He needed his anchor. Her absence from his life had left a big gaping hole, and he couldn't take it anymore. He could only hope she would forgive him for leaving her to move Stills on her own.

He heard her over the police scanner responding to a crime scene in midtown. He drove to the scene and watched for a few minutes and sensed that something was very wrong with her. She moved slowly and without her usual passion for the job. Her intensity was gone and it made his heart ache to see it. He needed to talk to her.

He made sure she saw him before he disappeared into an alley down the street. He waited nervously for her and his fingers touched the bullet in his pocket to reassure himself. His heart broke when she finally turned the corner and appeared in the alley. It was the first time he had seen her in weeks and she looked exhausted and so sad.

He was ashamed of how badly he failed her these past weeks. She had lost both Szymanski and Beecher, she'd had to dig up Stills' body to save Fusco, HR was on the rise again, and John had left her to face it all alone. This woman had been willing to die for him. She risked all she had for him and he repaid her loyalty and friendship by turning his back on her. He had been an ass when she had called him for help. It didn't matter that he thought he was doing the right thing by protecting her from him, because he had actually just left her hanging out all by herself. John never felt like such a failure before in his life.

John stared sadly at her as she moved towards him. He wanted to throw his arms around her and beg for her forgiveness. He had been so wrapped up in his own head that he left her alone when she'd needed him. He had to fix this, but how do you make it up to someone when you abandon them so completely in a time of need?

* * *

><p>Joss was surprised to see John appear at her crime scene. After what passed between them in that damned hallway, when she'd nearly fallen apart over the thought of losing him, he'd been avoiding her. He had been so angry and curt with her when she called him. She didn't blame him; she knew she had made a fool of herself by letting her feelings for him show. She had crossed the line with her tears and begging and she knew it. She revealed too much and he was uncomfortable around her now; she got that.<p>

But something was very wrong. She had been getting calls on a lot of murders lately, murders that John and Harold usually prevented. She was confused and a little scared. Since the incident in the hallway her world had been spiraling slowly and inexorably out of control, and she was as alone as she'd ever felt. Bill and Cal had both been murdered, she'd barely managed to save Fusco by moving Stills' rotting body, and HR was slowly making a comeback. She knew something terrible wasn't far around the corner, if it hadn't happened already.

Now after everything else, John had finally sought her out. She wished she could be happy to see him, but she had a feeling it probably was more bad news. He must have been desperate to turn to her after the scene she made.

As she entered the alley, he turned to her, looking every bit as exhausted and upset as she felt. God, what was going on? She wished he would tell her, but she knew he wouldn't.

"You OK Carter?"

"How do I look John?" She was so tired she couldn't help getting a little testy with him. Damn him for coming and going in her life. Damn him for being so sexy and desirable. Damn her for wanting him for nearly ten years and damn him for not wanting her back. She wondered if maybe it were easier if he just walked out of her life and stayed out.

"Did you get anything new on Beecher's killer?"

"Nothing. But I know HR had their hands in it. And I'm going to do whatever I can to bring them down."

John heart sank. He knew that would be dangerous for her and aside from Fusco, she was all alone in the department. "I'm sorry Carter. Beecher was a good man."

He didn't know what else to say. Being a good friend was hard. He wondered if Joss had loved Beecher. He wondered if he would ever get up the nerve to tell her that Beecher's number had come up, but it had been too late to save the narcotics officer. Joss had never asked about it and he was grateful.

"Yes, he was." Joss paused for moment and brought her emotions under control. "But I got a job to do. Three fresh bodies, my eighth homicide in two weeks. " She looked at John with accusing look on her face, more than a bit angry he wasn't doing his job. If he was going to run out on her he could at least prevented all the killings.

But then John looked at her with those incredible eyes of his and she could see that he did care. Every now and then he would let the John Reese mask slip a little and she could see John Davis behind it. She was talking with John Davis now and she couldn't be bitter or angry with John Davis.

"Just tell me what I can do to help?" John Davis asked softly.

So many things popped into her mind. _Take me home and make love to me all night long._ Or _hold me tight and tell me that you love me_. She pushed those thoughts from her mind. She was not going to make another scene and drive him away again.

"You can start by tell me what's changed. Most of these homicides were premeditated. The types of situation you guys usually warn us about."

"There's a situation. We're working on it," John said.

"Well hurry. I never thought I'd say this but the Russians are worse than Elias. More manpower…. fewer rules."

John understood. The Russian where starting a no-holds- barred war on Elias; and his Joss was about to be caught in the middle. "Be careful," he said softly. "Let me know if I can do anything to help."

Joss was touched by his obvious concern. "Thanks John," was all she could think to say. Then she turned on her heel and left before she could do anything stupid.

* * *

><p>John sadly watched her go, wishing he could chase her down and hold her tight. He closed his eyes and silently swore to himself that he would never make the same mistake again. He would be the best damn friend she ever had from now on. All she had to do was snap her fingers and he would come running like a trained dog. Bear would have nothing on him.<p>

* * *

><p><strong><em><span>God Mode<span>_**

Shaw took the wheel of their latest stolen car and John, who had learned not argue, climbed into the passenger seat. She headed for the airport, leaving John with nothing to do, so his mind wandered back to Joss. He knew he screwed up with her and he just wanted to fix it. She was his anchor; he was not letting her go.

He remembered how tired and upset she looked when he had last seen her, and that was only a few days ago. He dialed her number.

"Carter, I've been worried. You ok?" John asked. Shaw looked over at him, probably wondering who he was talking to, but he ignored her.

On the other end of the line, Joss considered telling John about the so-called bad shooting and Tierney's ugly threats to Taylor and The Man in the Suit, but decided against it for now. John tended to overreact to threats made to kids and Joss needed some time to figure out what HR was up to before he came charging in with guns blazing. As far as HR knew, she was going to be a cooperative little mouse and that should keep Taylor safe for now.

"I've been better, but that can wait. I think HR and Yogorov's crew are going to take out Elias tonight."

"Elias tried to kill you, Joss. He kidnapped your son. His well-being isn't exactly a priority for me." John really didn't want to talk about Elias. He wanted to be sure everything was all right with her.

But Joss _did_ want to talk about Elias. "His lieutenant was gunned down this morning. The first thing he did was get his bodyguards paroled to watch his man in the hospital. At least he's loyal."

Just then, John heard sirens behind them. He turned to see a couple of police cars coming up fast, and Shaw stomped on the accelerator. John growled deep in his throat; he wanted more time with Joss.

On the other end of the line, Joss could hear the sirens and John's growl. "Are you OK?"

John really didn't want to hang up yet. He wasn't done with Joss, but he knew that he had no choice. "Sorry Joss, gotta go. Please just keep your head down."

"You too. Though I know you won't."

John hung up, feeling better. He knew for a normal person this would have been a small step, but for him it was huge. Somehow he knew she would understand. She understood him; she had from the moment they met.

* * *

><p>Joss hung up feeling a bit giddy. He actually called just to check on her. He called her by her first name. Twice. She felt like a high-schooler with her first crush. John cared, he really cared.<p> 


	13. Chapter 13 - LibertyLadyKiller

**This chapter covers Liberty and Lady Killer, mostly Lady Killer. **

**In the Liberty section, I wanted to take the time to to explain why Joss did not bring John into the HR investigation until the very end. I wanted to show why she kept him at arm's length for the first several episodes of season 3 despite his constant assurances that he was there for her.**

**For Lady Killer, I of course had to deal with the missing day. What did John and Joss do all day before her date with Ian The Stalker? I also resolve the "Zoe Situation" in this episode as well.**

* * *

><p><em><strong><span>Liberty<span>**_

_(John and Joss's feelings in the aftermath of Joss's demotion)_

Joss was not the least bit surprised to find the van laying on its side and bad guys in various stages of consciousness inside. This was John after all.

She hid her smile as she got of the car and approached the tall man in a suit. He peeled off his ski mask and watched the number run off. "They never say thank you," he complained.

Joss repressed a giggle at John's pouty face. "Maybe its because you're supposed to save them before all hell breaks loose."

John turned to face her and allowed his eyes to travel up and down her body. He never knew a NYPD uniform could look so good. "You're looking pretty bad ass in that uniform."

He was still bitter that she had to wear it, that he had not been there to prevent HR from springing its trap on her. Somehow they would fix this, but he still worried about her. She had taken this demotion too well, without her usual fight. Something was up, but she was not sharing it with him. No matter, he would continue to be there for her until she was ready to tell him.

* * *

><p>Joss was glad it was dark out so John would not see the rush of heat to her cheeks as he checked her out. The one good thing that had come out of this whole mess was that her friendship with John was back on track and he was back in her life. John had been so attentive lately that she almost believed that he was interested in more than just a friendship, but she knew he was seeing Zoe Morgan so she discounted it. But she had to admit that it was nice to have such a handsome man pay attention and compliment her.<p>

Still, she kept in mind that she had to be careful and keep John far away from her investigation into HR. HR wanted him dead, Tierney had made that very clear to her that awful night, and she was not going to be the reason John got hurt again. HR was her problem and she would fix it while keeping him far away from the danger. She had gotten him shot once, and that was not going to happen this time.

* * *

><p><strong><em><span>Lady Killer<span>_**

_(John's feelings in the safe house before they got to the club)_

As John stared at Joss in her skin tight dress, he realized he could see the outline of her navel through the leather. Shaw and Zoe were standing right there, but he only had eyes for Joss. He wanted to drop to his knees, pull the dress up, start kissing her at that navel and not stop until he had kissed every inch of her.

He watched her compliment Zoe's shoes and fangirl over Shaw's Nano. Even the emotionally closed off Shaw was responding happily to Joss. He already knew Joss was something very special, but every move she was making tonight reinforced just how incredible she was.

He glanced up and saw Zoe shooting daggers at him with her eyes. He knew he was in trouble, but he couldn't help himself.

* * *

><p><em>(John and Joss deal with the possible threat from Ian Murphy. All we know is that John spent the day leading up to Joss's big date with her to protect her, we don't know how they spent the day. Here is my version of how they spent that day.)<em>

John opened the door to Joss's apartment. "Is Taylor home?" he asked her.

Joss shook her head. "No, I knew I was going to be out late on this case so he's staying with his father."

"Good. Wait here," he growled to her over his shoulder.

Behind him Joss rolled her eyes. "It's my apartment, John."

"And now a possible serial killer has you in his Rolodex," John shot back. "_Wait here_."

Joss made a rude noise but complied. John drew his gun from the waistband at the small of his back and crept into the apartment, performing a thorough search. "Clear," he called out to the woman waiting in the hallway.

Joss stepped into her apartment and shut the door. "Now that we have established that the bogeyman is not hiding under my bed, you can go home. I'll be fine"

She started to walk by John and his hand shot out and grabbed her elbow. She looked up at him, puzzled.

John's intense blue eyes bore in her big brown ones. "I am not leaving you here by yourself. Change clothes and get an overnight bag together. You're coming to my place for the night."

"John, tempting as it is to see the Bat Cave, it's really unnecessary." She pulled her gun from her bag. "I'm not an easy target."

"But you're still a target, because I asked you to be our bait. That makes you my responsibility." John _ knew _she could take care of herself but he could help but grab a hold of the excuse to get her to come to his place. He wanted, even if it was just briefly, to see her in his home, to pretend she belonged there.

Joss sighed. She knew what that meant; John was not going to leave her alone. Oh well, she had always wanted to see his place. "Alright John, give me a few minutes to change and grab something to sleep in."

John smirked at her. "I'll be right here."

Joss rolled her eyes and went into her bedroom, shutting the door firmly before she changed. She carefully hung her dress back in her closet, secretly glad that John saw her in it. He'd never seen her in anything other than cop clothes and her uniform.

She swiftly changed into jeans and a yellow blouse, threw some things in an overnight bag, and returned to John in the living room. "Let's go," she said irritably, trying to cover up her excitement over being alone with John at his place.

John followed her out of the apartment, his eyes glued to her rear end, marveling at how perfectly the jeans cupped her ass.

They returned to the car and John drove to his place. Joss looked around as they parked. "Nice neighborhood, John. I had no idea that being a vigilante paid so well."

John smirked at her has he opened the door to the building for her. "It does if you have a reclusive billionaire for a boss."

Joss laughed as he led her to the elevator. "Is he hiring?"

John nearly sputtered at the thought of having Joss as a full time partner. "Just say the word and he will be more than happy to put you on the payroll. He likes you." He threw open the door to his loft with a bit of a flourish. "Welcome."

John stood back and let Joss enter first. She walked in looking around, amazed by the open, roomy and lovely space. "John this is gorgeous!"

John was pleased she liked it. "It was gift from Finch."

"Make sure he knows my birthday is in March, OK?" she giggled

John hung her jacket by the door. "He probably knows already."

"True, it's Finch we are talking about here," she said with a laugh.

John moved to stand next to her as she stopped in the center of the room, looking around. "Bathroom is back there, kitchen is over there if you get hungry. You take the bed; I'll sleep on the couch."

They awkwardly stood there together for a few minutes, neither one really sure what to do next. They both wanted the same thing, to hold each other and tell the other how much they cared, but neither one could bring themselves to speak of such things.

"I'm just going to go to bed if you don't mind," Joss yawned to cover the awkwardness.

Joss went into the bathroom, changed into her pajamas, and crawled into the large comfortable bed. She heard John settling down on the couch. She laid there staring at the back of the couch, wishing John would join her in the bed. But John was with Zoe now, so that was not going to happen. She wondered how many times he and Zoe had made love in this bed, but she had to push that thought from her mind before she cried.

John turned his head and looked in the direction of the bed as if he could see it through the back of the couch, wishing he could join Joss. But the last thing she needed on top of the demotion, the HR investigation and a date with a possible serial killer was to enter into an affair with a damaged killer who had already let her down too many times to count.

* * *

><p>The next morning Joss woke up with the smell of pancakes and coffee in her nostrils. Sleepily, she turned over so she could see into the kitchen and saw a showered, shaved, and dressed John Reese cooking. Sensing her eyes on him, he turned his head towards her and smiled. "Coffee's ready and the pancakes will be done in just a minute."<p>

Joss slid out of bed and padded over to the kitchen. "Smells good," she said as she seated herself at the counter.

To Joss's surprise, he handed her a cup of coffee fixed just the way she liked it_. Does anything get by this man?_ She thought as she sipped it while she watched him work. He seemed quite comfortable in the kitchen; his movements were sure and smooth. He placed a plate of pancakes in front of her and she dug in.

"So what's the agenda for today? Do we follow Ian around?"

John shook his head. "Let Shaw handle that. I am not letting you get near him, and I'm not letting him get near you. I'm spending the day with you until it's time for the date tonight."

"JOHN!"

John glared at her. "No arguments. I am not going to have to explain to Taylor how I dropped the ball and let his mother get murdered by a serial killer."

Joss did a face palm. "Great, so what are we doing all day? Cleaning guns? Picking up your suit at the dry cleaners?" Neither of these activities were what she REALLY wanted to do with him...

John pulled the Nano out from behind the counter, letting it dangle from his finger by the trigger guard. "Shaw dropped this by for you a little while ago. I thought we could start the day at the range so you can try this bad boy out."

Joss squealed and reached for the gun. "She's loaning me the Nano?"

John smiled. "Shaw likes you and she doesn't like anyone except Bear."

Joss smiled back. "She seemed OK to me last night."

John watched Joss as she happily broke down the gun, examining every square inch of it. His heart swelled. He could easily see why Ian Murphy had chosen her last night.

After Joss finished eating, she showered and changed. John escorted her downstairs where the big Lincoln waited patiently for them in the underground parking garage. John took the wheel and he was soon driving them out of the city.

Joss looked over at him questioningly. "Just where is this shooting range?"

John smirked over at her. "You'll see. It's very exclusive."

Joss shook her head and rolled her eyes.

* * *

><p>About an hour outside of the city, John pulled off the main road and up to a gate marked <em>Private<em>. Joss raised her eyebrows and John simply said one word, "Finch."

Joss laughed. "Shoulda known."

They pulled up to a rustic looking cabin, but Joss had a feeling it wasn't quite so rustic on the inside. Once John unlocked the door and escorted her inside, she saw she was right. While the cabin wasn't huge, the furnishings and appliances were of the highest quality. Huge picture windows looked out over a placid lake and it was incredibly peaceful.

Joss looked at John with an amused smile. "This doesn't look like a shooting range to me."

"There is one set up out back, so if you miss the bullets wind up in the lake."

Joss smiled coyly and arched an eyebrow at him. "Who said anything about missing?"

John chuckled then walked out the back door while Joss followed him. She saw an area set up with targets at various ranges and a pulley system so a couple of the targets could move. John waved his hand at it with a smirk. "Told you it was exclusive; the nearest neighbor is over half a mile away."

"This place is beautiful John. Do you get up here often?"

John shook his head. "Not often enough. The numbers never stop coming."

Joss wondered how he had time to date Zoe, but kept her mouth. The last thing she wanted to talk about was the elegant fixer.

John got the bag of guns and ammo out of the trunk of the car and they walked out the back door to the shooting range. John put the bag down and took out two sets of ear and eye protection. They donned their protective gear and Joss watched while John took aim at a target at a medium range and emptied his clip into it. All the bullets hit within a few inches of each other in the center of the target.

John turned to Joss with a smile of satisfaction on his face. "Think you can beat that?"

Joss waved the Nano in his face. "Watch this!" Joss took careful aim and emptied her clip in the target, equaling Reese's spread. John was insanely proud of her, but he kept his face neutral.

"Not bad Carter."

They spent the next couple of hours happily blasting away at pretend bad guys, using all the various guns John had brought with him. He was somewhat comforted by the fact Joss was such a good shot. He worried about her even though he knew she was fully capable of shooting the wing off a fly at 100 yards.

Finally, John turned to Joss and asked, "Hungry?"

Joss smiled, showing her dimples. "Sure!" They went back inside and John fixed lunch.

"Nothing too heavy, I'm getting Chilean Sea Bass tonight," Joss reminded him.

John face went dark; the last he wanted to be reminded of was the big date tonight. John grumpily fixed a large salad.

They sat out on the deck of the cabin overlooking the lake to eat. Joss kept staring out over the lake while John watched her carefully without seeming to. "We have a few hours before we have to head back. Would you like to go for a boat ride?"

Joss's eyes lit up. "Can we?"

John nodded. "There's a speed boat in the boathouse."

After they quickly cleaned the lunch dishes, John led Joss down to the boat house where a classic wooden Chris-Craft powerboat was tied up. Joss tied up her hair while John released the ropes holding the boat to the dock. John carefully maneuvered the boat out of the boat house and then opened her up once they hit open water. Next to him Joss squealed with laughter and smiled. John was delighted she was having such a good time. _Let's see Ian top this, _he thought to himself.

"We should bring Taylor up here," he said casually, testing the waters so to speak.

Joss grinned. "He would like that."

John nodded nonchalantly. "We'll have to set a date soon, before summer is over." Inside, John was screaming with joy that Joss would consider returning with her son, with him.

Seeing a movement on the shore, John cut the engine and let the boat drift closer. He pointed over the bank and Joss looked over to see a couple of does and their half-grown fawns drinking placidly from the lake. It was a lovely, peaceful scene that stood in stark contrast to the violence that usually followed John and Joss around. They sat quietly watching the small herd until the deer went bounding gracefully off into the woods.

Joss sighed as the deer vanished from sight. "It's so beautiful here John. I don't want to go back."

"Understandable considering the fact that you have a date with a possible serial killer waiting for you." John paused. "You don't have to do this Joss."

Joss shook her head. "You know I do, John. We need to head back."

John started the boat and turned back towards the cabin. They drove back to the city in near silence, each one thinking about the night ahead.

They arrived back at Joss' apartment and Joss went into her bedroom to get ready while John prowled the living room and kitchen like a caged panther. John was always restless before a job. Kara used to kick him out of whatever hotel room, safe house, or apartment they would be staying in until she was ready to go because his pacing would drive her up a wall and made it hard for her to focus.

Joss emerged from her bedroom right on time and John expected no less. She was dressed appropriately for a first date, attractive and sexy without taking it too far. John firmly tamped down his jealously that she was dressed up for another man. Using Joss, Zoe, and Shaw as bait had been his idea and he cursed himself roundly for thinking of it. He wanted to lock her up safely in her apartment, but instead he handed her an earpiece which she took and inserted into her ear, arranging her hair to make it invisible.

As they drove to Ian's building, they got a call from Shaw. "I'm in position on the roof of the building across the street."

"Be there in two minutes," John said curtly and cut the connection.

He pulled over around the corner from Ian's building to let Joss out. Joss gave him a confident smile and said, "See you in a bit."

"Joss," John called out as Joss was half out of the car. She paused and looked back at John. "You're not alone," he said, his eyes as intense as Joss had ever seen them.

"Thanks, John," she said softly and got out of the car.

John watched her walk down the street until she vanished around the corner, then he tapped his earpiece. "Joss is on her way to Murphy's apartment and I'm on my way up, Shaw."

"Let's get this show on the road," Shaw snapped impatiently.

* * *

><p><em>(Added scene where Zoe confronts John about his feelings for Joss.)<em>

It was a beautiful late summer night and they wrapped up the latest number in a mostly satisfactory style John walked Zoe home as she requested. He had been mildly irritated that she left him standing outside of the bar so long where she'd met Carter and Shaw for drinks . He didn't like being left vulnerable and exposed like that. He'd explained this to her before, but Zoe got a kick out of having men wait for her, so she'd ignored him.

John still wasn't crazy about the fact that Ian Murphy had Joss' number and how she didn't shut him down when he asked to see her again…

John took a deep breath. He should not be thinking about Joss when he was with Zoe. He looked at the fixer as she strolled beside him, hand on his arm. Men were swiveling their heads around to look at her as they passed, so fast some of them must have pulled muscles. Zoe oozed sex and confidence out of every pore. John should be proud to be with her, and he was… he just had trouble keeping his mind from wandering to a certain lady cop.

Tonight he was not going to think about Joss again. He was going to focus on his relationship with Zoe. Being with Zoe was easy, and easy was what he needed right now. Zoe had made no secret of the fact that she wanted him and when he let her have him, it had been an incredible night. Zoe had no entanglements; no mother, no kid, and no one trying to kill her and ruin her career. She didn't challenge him at every turn. She was cool and aloof.

John hadn't heard from Finch yet, so he probably had the night off. When he got Zoe home maybe he would go inside with her, fix her dinner, and then make love with her. It sounded like a good night to him and since she had asked him to walk her home, she probably would agree.

They reached the door to Zoe's brownstone and she unlocked the door and disarmed the alarm system. John followed her into the entryway and he helped her off with her coat. He bent down to kiss her but she pushed him away. Surprised, he looked at her and saw that she was…angry? Upset? Mentally, he braced himself.

"John, we need to talk," she snapped at him and strode angrily into the living room. She sat on the couch and crossed her legs, glaring at him. John kept his face in his usual impassive mask and leaned into a wall while he returned her gaze.

"What's going on between you and Jocelyn?" Zoe snarled.

John's eyebrows shot up. "Nothing at all, we're just friends and coworkers."

Zoe regarded him steadily for a few minutes. "You really believe that, don't you?"

John was genuinely puzzled. "It's the truth."

Zoe closed her eyes and bowed her head. "No John, it's not the truth. I hope you figure that out soon, for both your sakes. I can't see you anymore. I won't accept being number two."

"There's no one else Zoe, I don't understand what you are saying."

Zoe stood up. "No, there is someone else, even if you don't know it. I've known that from the moment you waved that key card in my face and invited me up the honeymoon suite, but I ignored it because I wanted you. I just couldn't figure out who it was. I assumed it was your lost lover, but after working this case with you, I know who that other woman is now. It's Jocelyn Carter."

John glared at Zoe. "I have _never_ touched Carter or been unfaithful to you."

Zoe sighed. "You are dense, aren't you John? I know you haven't touched her, but you can't deny that you want to. That you think about her all the time, even when you are with me."

"Zoe…"

"Oh, stop it. You're in love her and I don't play second fiddle especially not to a "friend". Just leave now, please."

John stared at Zoe for a minute, then turned and left the brownstone. A small part of him was concerned that his feelings for Joss were so obvious that even Zoe had picked up on them, but an even bigger part was relieved as he left and walked down the street alone.


	14. Chapter 14 - RazgovorEndgameCrossing

**With apologies to my wonderful betas, carolinagirl and ReeseisLAVAHot, I almost completely rewrote this chapter over the weekend, so it is un-betaed. So if you spot anything wrong, it's all on me. **

**This chapter covers Razgovor, Endgame and The Crossing. I rewrote the morgue scene a bit to make it even more Careesey because I feel John and Joss are further along in their relationship in this fic than they were in the show.**

**I have been asked if I was going to take this story beyond the The Crossing and the answer is yes, there is another chapter to go after this that completely deviates from the show.**

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Razgovor<strong>_

_(John's thoughts when he catches Joss spying on HR)_

Carter's heart skipped beat when she returned to her SUV after filming yet another HR meeting with the Russians to find a showy figure leaning against her vehicle. She had her gun out and her finger on the trigger before she realized who was waiting for her.

"John, one of these days, I just going to shoot you," she snapped.

"I get that a lot." He reached for a couple of beers he had sitting on the SUV, cracked one open and handed it to her.

As Joss took her first sip, John looked at her and waved his fingers in a gimme motion. Joss rolled her eyes. "Busted huh?" she grumbled, but handed over the camera.

John flipped through the impressive array of pictures Joss had collected over the months she had been chasing HR. She had caught Simmons and various other HR operatives in numerous compromising shots. She had enough evidence just here in her camera to put away a couple of dozen officers, including Simmons. He knew she had plenty of other evidence too.

"Finch and I have known about your side project for a while. For what we've seen you've got enough to bring down half the organization." He took a sip of his own beer. "You can bust them. Make deals to take down the rest." _Please Joss, please stop. Please just be safe._

"Special agent Donnelly tried that, but HR rebuilt itself from ashes because we didn't cut off the head. If we had Cal might still be alive. I'm playing by different rules now." She took a pull from her beer. "No deals. I won't make a move until I can bring down the boss.

"They're running some joint operation with the Russians. If I could just eyes on the meeting I might finally ID the head of HR."

John's blood ran cold. Joss was playing with fire, and she was determined to go it alone. While John and Harold had been keeping an eye on her, they could not keep her safe and work the numbers the came in nearly every day_. Please, please I can't lose you, Joss_, he mentally begged. _Don't do this._

Joss looked at him defiantly. He sighed, what right did he have to ask her to stop? She had lost so much when he had pushed her away. She lost her Detective's badge, her reputation, her friend Szymanski, and her boyfriend Cal. She had earned the right to bring down the people who caused her so much pain. Pain he could have saved her if only he had been paying attention instead of sulking.

He looked at her out of the corner of his eye, her jaw was set in that stubborn angle he was so familiar with. She needed to do this. He really just wanted to tie her up and stash her in the library until he killed each and every HR member, but he could not deny her this. He just hoped he would not lose her in the process. He couldn't lose her. He would die if he lost her again.

"Need help?" he asked quietly. What he really wanted to tell her was that he would do anything for her.

"No, but if I do, you'll be my first call." She gave him a little smile and they clinked bottles together.

_Keep your head down, Joss._

* * *

><p><em>(Added scene after John beats down Simmons. Those of you on the Forum my recognize this from the drabble challenge. I felt it needed to be included here.)<em>

John raised his hand and tapped lightly on Carter's door. A few seconds later, Carter opened the door. "John! What are you doing here?"

She opened the door wide and stepped back allowing him to enter. John stepped into the apartment and looked around. "Where's Taylor? I didn't wake you did I?"

Carter smiled. "Taylor is… at a friend's and no, you didn't wake me. I'm having trouble winding down after the day we had today."

John smiled and held up the two beers he carried. "Perhaps this will help?"

Carter started to smile again, and then she noticed John's scraped, raw knuckles. "What happened? You're hurt!"

John was startled by the note of concern in her voice. Compared to how he often looked after a case, this was barely noticeable. "It's nothing," he said gruffly, not wanting her to see how much it meant to him that she was concerned about his well-being. He still wasn't used to people worrying about him.

"Don't say it's nothing, you're bleeding! Sit!" she ordered pointing to her couch.

John obediently took a seat while Carter bustled off to get her first aid supplies. John opened both beers and took a sip of one before she returned. She put an ice bag on his hand while she tended to a scrape on his cheek.

"Care to tell me how this happened?" she asked softly. John had to turn his head because her breath was on his cheek and he could barely restrain himself from kissing her.

"We got the girl back and the tapes are safe."

"I'm glad to hear that, but I meant how did you get beat up?"

The corner of John's mouth quirked up. "You should see the loser."

Carter raised an eyebrow at him. "And the loser would be….?"

"Simmons."

Carter couldn't help but giggle. "Bastard had it coming." She took a sip of the beer that John handed her.

"It was… satisfying," John smirked.

They clicked beer bottles together and drank to Simmons getting beaten down.

* * *

><p><strong><em><span>Endgame<span>_**

_(John and Joss's thoughts when he goes to visit her)_

Joss knew he was there as soon she opened her front door. She wasn't really sure how she knew, but she did. She seemed to sense when he was near these days, and he had been near her a lot. She shook her head and tossed her keys on the little table by the front door.

"Tell me you didn't use the front door," she said to shadowy figure leaning against the mantle.

"I never do," came the soft sexy voice she so loved to hear.

Joss switched on the light.

"Where's Taylor?" he asked. John had not seen the boy in several days, and he had a bad feeling this meant that Joss was about to bring things to head with HR.

Her next words confirmed his worst fear. "Somewhere safe," she replied.

John's heart pounded against his ribs, she would not separate herself from her son unless she thought things were about get messy. John forced himself to remain outwardly calm, but it took all his CIA training to do so.

"Any reason he wouldn't be safe here?" he asked casually. "Like your off the books pursuit of HR?"

"Everyone needs a hobby," came her flip reply.

"Most hobbies don't involve dirty cops staked outside your apartment," John observed. His voice was soft and even, but as he turned to her, he could not hide the concern in his eyes. "If you want I could take care of him for you?" _Please let me _his eyes begged her.

Joss sighed, "I'd appreciate it if you left him alone." _If you do take care of him, John, they will know you're here and come after you. You will not be hurt because of me _ever_ again._ She steeled herself for what she needed to do next. "Respectfully, I'd appreciate it you left me alone for a while too."

"This is not the time to fly solo Carter," he moved towards her, struggling with himself to not grab her and shake, but hoping his close proximity would make her understand how much he needed her. He needed her to understand how important she was to him.

Joss saw his desperation in his eyes and knew she had to get him away from her before he did something stupid and HR killed him. She took a deep breath, wishing she did not have to say what she was about to say, but it was for his own good. _Please forgive me for this someday_.

"Don't get me wrong John. I appreciate everything you've done for me, and the city, but in the eyes of the law you're still a criminal and HR already knows we work together and if they could prove it…No, I'm sorry, I got to finish this alone."

John looked like he had been stabbed in the back as soon as Joss said the word 'criminal' and her heart broke in two. She had hit him below the belt, deliberately. She knew he was a good man; she knew that the law was wrong in this case, but she had to keep him away and safe. She needed to take down HR cleanly and legally.

"Alright," he said softly, so softly she almost couldn't hear him. "Do what you need to do, but HR won't go down without a fight." He started to leave, then stopped and turned to her, his eyes so soft with concern that Joss almost lost her resolve. "If you get in over your head give me a call." He turned and walked away before she could the hurt in his eyes, but it was too late, she already had. She already hated herself for hurting him.

"With the way you guys keep tabs on me, how much trouble can I get in?" she joked as she held up her phone.

John once again stopped and turned to her, this time there was a fond smile on his face. "Watch your back Joss." Then he vanished.

As soon as he was gone Joss smashed her phone. She knew the guys watched her like a hawk and she couldn't allow it anymore. She looked at the door that John had just walked through, she was truly alone now. She already missed him. She drew in a shaky breath, no matter what happened, Taylor and John were safe, she would take her own chances. It was her vs. HR.

* * *

><p><em>(John's thoughts as he hunts for Joss after he realizes she is the one who stole the drug shipment)<em>

John burst through the front door of Joss's home, he didn't have time to fool around and sneak in a window. The woman he loved, the person he could not lose, was in the middle of a war between the Russians and HR _that she herself had started_. He was going drag her back to the safe house and tie her to a bed if that was what he needed to do to keep her safe. He was going to force her to tell him her plan and then he was going kill everyone in HR and the Russian Mafia before he untied her.

"Joss!" John called as he entered the house, but the place was deathly quiet. He charged up the stairs to her bedroom, gun drawn, frantic and scared in a way he hadn't been since he was a wet-behind-the-ears special forces recruit in his first firefight.

It quickly became obvious that he was the only one in the house. Forcing himself to take deep calming breaths as he put his gun back in his waistband, he looked around her bedroom for clues to her whereabouts. The slightly open closet door drew his attention. He pulled it open to see Carter's HR board staring him in the face.

John's phone rang. But he didn't recognize the number.

"I see you're looking for me," Joss's calm voice filled his earpiece.

"Joss, where are you?" Cold fury gripped him. He forced thoughts of taking this brave, beautiful, and hopelessly reckless woman over his knee and spanking her out of his head.

"I can't tell you that, but I know I exactly where you are." Joss almost seemed amused.

John immediately understood the implications of what she was saying and a quick glance round the room revealed the hidden camera. Furious he strode over to her dresser and picked it up. Damn her, she was using his own bag of tricks against him.

"Thought you promised to keep your distance," she said as she watched his handsome face fill the screen. Her resolve almost wavered as she saw his face again.

"That was before I knew you were starting a war. We know about Quinn, what he did to Cal."

She could see his anger now. _Please try to understand John_. "Then you know why he can't get away with it."

"Take it from me, revenge isn't the answer." In his mind's eye, John could see Peter's bloody body lying on the floor as John had stood over him with the fireplace poker in hand. He could not let Joss discover that sickening feeling you felt when the adrenaline wore off after exacting your revenge and you realized that you were a monster. He would _not_ let her become a monster like him. "Tell me where you are, please just me help you," he was begging now, but he didn't care. All that mattered now was getting her to safety and keeping her soul intact. He had lost his own soul a long time ago, but he could still save hers.

But Joss was unmoved. "You once asked me to trust you to do what needed to be done. Now I'm asking the same of you." Then she cut the connection.

John sat down on her bed and buried his face in his hands.

* * *

><p>Joss hung up, feeling satisfied. John had no idea where she was, he was safe. Her plan was working perfectly so far.<p>

She looked down at her phone ready to cut the feed from the camera in her bedroom, expecting to find the room the empty, but instead she saw John sitting on her bed with his head in his hands. She stared at the picture, she had never seen John look so vulnerable before and she briefly choked up. She knew he cared for her, but this was almost too much. She wished she didn't have to hurt him, but it was better than getting him killed.

_Forgive me, John._

* * *

><p><em>(added scene where Joss finally calls John for help)<em>

The last couple of days had given John more gray hairs than any day on combat ever had. His stomach had been tied in knots as he doggedly followed Joss's path of destruction through the Russians and HR. He was impressed with her strategic planning skills, but all it would take was one small slip up and she would be taken from him forever. The thought of losing her was destroying him.

John's phone buzzed and he nearly cried with relief when he saw the caller ID.

"Joss, where are you?" He didn't even try to hide the anxiety in his voice. He was done playing games with her.

He heard Carter take a deep breath before she answered, "I'm parked around the corner from Judge Monahan's home in Queens. I thought he was clean, not in HR's pocket, but to be sure I watched the house for a while before going in. I saw Quinn and Simmons enter the house a few minutes ago.

"John, I'm so close, but there are too many of them," she said quietly, her voice breaking. All the time, all the sacrifice, all the death, and she was about to lose it all.

The hopeless sound in her voice almost destroyed John. "I'll be right there. I told you that you're not alone and I meant it. We'll do this _together_."

John hung up, nearly in tears. Without realizing it, his hand went to his pocket and he ran his thumb over the bullet. After days of worrying about her and begging her to let him in, she was finally accepting his help. He would not fail her.

* * *

><p><strong><em><span>The Crossing<span>_**

_(You know I had to deal with the morgue scene, I rewrote it a bit to reflect that fact that their relationship is further along in this story than is was in the show)_

"What about you John? What was your closest call?" Carter asked as they were comparing scars.

John pulled the bullet out of his pocket and held it up for her to see.

"That got somebody's name on it?" she asked, confused.

"Mine. There was a time I thought about saying goodbye… Lost someone… I lost myself."

Carter's eyes were wide. "What happened? What stopped you?"

John looked at her with eyes so sad she almost gasped. "I got in a fight with some punks on a subway. Cop detained me. He brought me to you... I found you again after all those years. You changed my mind, Joss."

John gently caressed Carter's cheek. He had so many regrets when it came to her, but now with their backs against the wall it was time to start changing things; hopefully it wasn't too late for them. He leaned down and tenderly kissed her, the way he should have done so many years ago in the cave on the other side of the world. Her lips were so soft, so sensuous, and they tasted like heaven as she kissed him back. He pulled away after a few seconds and looked down at her. Her hand was on his wrist and she was leaning into his hand where it rested on her cheek.

"You changed me. Seeing you reminded me that there was something, some people, worth fighting for."

John knew this was not the time and place to confess his feelings, but he wasn't sure if he would get another chance and he had let too many chances slip away before. If this was the end, he was glad he was with her; he needed her to know that.

* * *

><p>Joss could barely contain her shock as John's lips pressed against hers. She had dreamed of this moment for nearly ten years and of course it had to happen in a morgue, surrounded by dead bodies and living men who wanted to turn <em>them<em> into dead bodies. Their backs were against a wall and they could very well die in the next hour. But for a brief minute, none of that mattered. All that mattered was that she and John could finally come clean with each other.

"I didn't change you John. Maybe I reminded you of you are, but you were always that good man who had my back in the ambush. I will always believe that."

She reached up and ran her fingers through his hair and smiled as his cowlick sprang up. She loved that cowlick. She loved _him_ and she was done hiding it.

* * *

><p>John closed his eyes as Joss ran her fingers through his hair. It was heaven to be touched by her. He could see only tenderness in her big, luminous eyes and he realized that she felt the same way.<p>

He pulled her in and held her to his chest, she snuggled up to him and he marveled at how perfectly she fit against him.

"Joss, when this is over, would you like to go to dinner to me?"

She leaned back so she could look up at him with a smile. "Are you asking me on a date?'

He nodded his head, "Yes. Whatever this is, I...I want it."

She put her head back down on his chest, "I do too."

Just then he heard a car squeal to a stop outside and saw the red flashing light reflected in the window. Reluctantly he let Joss go walked over and looked out.

"They're here," he said as he picked up his suit jacket and put it on.

Joss slammed the slide on her gun, chambering the bullet. "Let's do this," she said, all business.

John smiled; she was the perfect woman for him.

* * *

><p><em>(added scene, right after Joss is shot)<em>

Joss is dead. Joss is dead. Joss is dead. Joss is dead. Joss is dead.

John leaned against the wall and sank down to the ground. His gunshot wounds throbbed, but he ignored them. Physical pain didn't bother him, he was used to it. The pain in his heart was another matter. For the second time, he had lost a woman he loved. Losing Joss was so much harder than losing Jessica because he tried so hard to keep her safe. They had been through so much together in the last 24 hours and just when they thought it was over, Simmons had ambushed them.

She died in his arms as he begged her to stay with him. The paramedics had to tear him away from her body; he hadn't wanted to let her go. He slunk away in the chaos, hiding even from Finch.

John buried his head in his hands. He had failed her. All the people he had saved over the past two and half years meant nothing to him now that the one person he could not live without was gone. What good was he at saving people if he couldn't save the love of his life?

How was he supposed to go on living with his failure? How was he supposed to go living without her?

He came to a decision. He wasn't going to go on living. He was done; there was nothing left for him. He would spend his remaining time avenging Joss then he would lie down quietly and die. He would see her on the other side and soon.

He pulled himself to his feet. He only had a couple of days at most before he bled out. If he was going to hunt Simmons, he had better get going.

_(No I'm not done, there is still one chapter to go. You'll like it, I promise)_


	15. Chapter 15 Healing (Post The Crossing)

**This is is guys, the last chapter! Hopefully this is the payoff you all have been waiting for!**

**Thanks to everyone for reading and reviewing. I have tried to reply to everyone who has an account on FF, I wish I could reply to all the guest reviewers too!**

**Once again I have to thank my betas carolinagirl and ReeseisLAVAhot for taking the time to beta this long fic. You guys are the best!**

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><p><strong><em><span>Healing<span>_**

John barely registered where they were going. He was still weak after nearly bleeding out while seeking his revenge for Joss's death. He wanted to die, just to see her again.

He glanced over at Finch driving the car. Finch had saved his life, as he had done many times before. But Finch just didn't understand how John felt; Grace was still alive, Finch still had something to fight for. Everything John had fought for, the reason that John got up in the morning, was gone now.

John leaned his head against the window and stared bleakly out at the landscape that rushed past. He His mind replayed the images again of the death of Joss Carter, his anchor, his love. He saw her step in front of him and take the fatal bullet intended for him. He saw her return fire and fall to the ground with blood rapidly pooling around her body. He saw himself crawling desperately to reach her despite his own wounds and himself holding her in his arms, begging her to stay with him as she closed her eyes and slipped away from him.

John's life was over in that instant. He knew Joss had wanted him to go on, to keep helping people. He knew her dying words were to not let her death change him, but he just couldn't go on without her. He had loved her from a distance for a decade. At the very end, he finally confessed what she was to him, and she had been cruelly ripped from him mere hours later. John intended to join her in death as soon as he could.

His first attempt to die had been passive. He simply did not treat the bleeding bullet wounds in his shoulder and abdomen as he slowly bled to death. That plan had nearly been successful, but in the end Finch and Shaw saved him.

John tried to end his life several times more times after that, but the rest of the team had been watching him like proverbial hawks to be sure he did not harm himself. All his guns and knives had been removed from the library and his loft. Even the damned Machine had done its part; anytime he tried something, it alerted Root. It had been a week since he woke up from his coma after nearly bleeding out, but he was every bit as determined to find a way to join Joss on the other side as he had been when he made the decision not to seek medical attention for his injuries.

The car left the main road and turned onto a road marked _Private_. John easily recognized the place; it was the road to the cabin where he brought Joss to keep her safe when he thought Ian Murphy may have been a serial killer. Damn it, Finch had no idea the memories this place held for him of that perfect day.

He smiled a bit as he remembered the day he spent out here with Joss. He had always liked being at the cabin; the quiet and the solitude relaxed him. Out here he could drop his guard and just be John. He had been happy to have the chance to share that with her. He had been happy that day, truly, wonderfully happy.

But she was gone forever and he could never be happy again. John squeezed his eyes shut so he wouldn't cry in front of Finch.

Finch, knowing how much John had liked being at the remote cabin, must be bringing him out here to recover. John appreciated the gesture and made a mental note to be sure to include that gratitude in his suicide note. As soon as Finch left him alone, he would find one of several weapons he had hidden around the property and end his pain for good.

Finch cleared his throat and John looked over at him. "I know how much you liked being out here and I'm hoping this is where you can finish your recovery."

"Thanks Finch," John mumbled.

"I should warn you that you will not be the only person convalescing here."

John glared over at Finch. If Harold thought this was going to stop John from doing what he needed to do, he was crazy. "Oh? Who?" he asked his employer in a dead monotone.

"You will see when we get there." Finch actually smiled at him, but John glumly turned away. He was in no mood for games.

After several minutes, they pulled up to the cabin and parked next to an SUV that John recognized from Finch's fleet. Shaw opened the front door and stepped out to greet them.

John got out of the car and glared at her. "Are you the other patient Finch told me about?"

Shaw grinned her cocky grin at him and replied, "Hello to you too, and no, I'm not. I'm dropping off like Finch."

John glared between Finch and Shaw. "Then who is?"

"John?" said a soft familiar voice from inside the cabin.

The color drained from John's face and he froze, afraid to believe his ears. He looked to his friends for confirmation and they both grinned and nodded at him.

In daze, John walked into the cabin to see a pale, tired, and weak looking Joss sitting in a wheelchair in the spacious living room. She looked like hell, but she was alive. John dropped to his knees in front of her, put is head in her lap, slipped his arms around her waist, and sobbed quietly.

Gently Joss stroked his hair. "Did you really think you were going to get rid of me that easily?" she joked softly. Her voice was raspy and hoarse, like a breathing tube had been shoved down her throat, but it was unmistakably hers.

John lifted his head and looked up at her. Tentatively, he reached his hand out to cup her cheek, like he was afraid that she would vanish if he touched her. "I don't understand. You had no pulse. You were shot in the heart."

She smiled weakly. "My heart was only nicked, but it couldn't pump enough blood for you to feel my pulse with just your fingers. Once the paramedics got there, they realized I was still alive."

"They had a funeral for you." Tears were running down John's cheeks but he ignored them.

Finch entered the room. "I can explain that, Mr. Reese. With Simmons and a few other HR members still at large, Agent Moss of the FBI felt it best for Joss to play dead until the trial of Alonzo Quinn began. The Machine alerted Miss Groves to the fact that she was still alive just this morning, so Miss Shaw posed as a doctor and after some persuasion by Detective Carter, the FBI entrusted her with Detective Carter's care. Besides our team, Agent Moss, and Taylor and Paul Carter, no one else knows she survived the shooting."

Shaw moved to stand next to Finch so she could join the conversation. "Joss is going to be fine, but she is going to need a lot of rest and care." She winked at John. "Do we have a volunteer?"

John smiled back at her and put his head back down in Joss's lap.

Finch and Shaw brought in the luggage from the cars. Once John was finally willing to let Joss go for a few minutes, Shaw went over Joss's medications with him. Shaw handed John the keys to the SUV. "I'll catch a ride back with Finch. The kitchen is fully stocked. I'll bring Taylor out Friday night so he can spend the weekend with his mom, but you guys are on your own until then."

After talking with Shaw, John went and knelt down next to Joss again. He gently stroked her arm and she once again ran her fingers through his hair.

Finch looked at John and Joss, and for the first time in a long time, his heart felt light. Though the tears were falling, John was smiling with joy. Joss was smiling too as she stroked his hair. These people who had given so much so selflessly were both finally together and happy.

"Come Miss Shaw, we have a long drive and we need to get back. We can't leave Miss Groves and Detective Fusco unsupervised for too long."

Shaw turned to go. "See ya Friday night," she called over her shoulder as she left. "Gimme the keys, Finch, I'll drive."

As soon as Finch and Shaw left, John scooped Joss out of her wheelchair and carried her over to a big armchair. He settled down with her in his lap, holding her tight, as the tears continued to flow without shame.

Joss used the sleeve of her shirt to wipe his tears. "John, I'm going to be fine…"

"I thought you were gone. I thought I would never see you again." John's voice was choked with emotion Joss had never heard from him before.

Joss smiled at him. "You're stuck with me, John Davis."

John held her so tight she couldn't breathe. She put her arms around him and held him back. She had put everything on the back burner during her investigation of HR, but now was the time to deal with everything that had happened between them. She was ready to move on. With him.

To tell the truth, Joss had been completely caught off guard by that kiss in the morgue. She had been mooning after John for so long, she never once suspected that he felt the same way. Yet here he was, crying over her like a baby. The evidence was right in front of her face; John cared for her every bit as much as she cared for him.

Emboldened by that knowledge, Joss cupped her hand behind John's head and pulled him down for a kiss. John responded by fiercely kissing her back. They broke apart, gasping for air and Joss buried her face in John's neck.

"I meant every word I said," John said softly. "You changed me. You're my anchor."

"And I meant it when I said not to let my death change you back, and then you go trying to kill Simmons and Quinn and bleeding out," she snapped back at him.

John smiled as he held her. "I will always hurt anyone who hurts you."

"John!"

John gently placed a finger over her lips. "Shhhh. I'm just not ready to live without you yet."

"So now what?"

"First I get you healthy. Then…" His voice trailed off and he kissed her again, a kiss so full of promise and love that it took Joss's breath away. If only she were a bit stronger and could drag John off to the bedroom.

But John would not allow that, not yet. "We have time Joss. Wait until you're ready," he said softly whenever she tried. Over the days that followed he kissed and held her frequently, but that was as far as he would go. They shared a bed, but John would only hold her. Joss spent a lot of time frustrated and willing herself to heal faster before she exploded from all the pent-up sexual energy.

John proved to be a skilled and attentive nurse. Joss's medications were taken strictly on time, according to the schedule that Shaw had given him, and he fixed her nutritious and delicious meals. Bedtime was strictly observed and massages were frequent. He would take her for short walks a couple of times a day to build up her strength. He watched her carefully looking for any signs of fatigue and if she looked tired he made her lay down. She healed rapidly under John's loving attention.

* * *

><p>As promised, Shaw brought Taylor to them as soon as school let out on Friday. Taylor burst into the house, anxious to see his mom, fully aware of how close he had come to losing her.<p>

"Mom! I'm here!" he called out.

Joss had been sitting in the large armchair in the living room reading a magazine. She stood up easily and hugged her boy happily.

"You look great mom! John must be taking good care of you." Taylor grinned at John as he entered the room.

Joss laughed. "Yeah, he's managing my recovery like it's a military operation!"

Taylor grinned. "Whatever works." The teen turned to give John a fist bump.

* * *

><p>Taylor watched his mother carefully the entire weekend, almost afraid to accept that she had survived. As such, he quickly noticed how tender John was towards his mother and how she returned his affection.<p>

John tried to avoid any overt shows of affection in front of the teenager since he figured the last thing the kid wanted to see was someone making out with his mother. Plus, there was the added complication that Paul Carter was now back in his son's life.

Joss, however, had decided that it was best if Taylor learned that John was in her life permanently and so she remained affectionate towards her vigilante. One night as they were doing the dishes after dinner, Joss tried to kiss him, but John pulled away, afraid Taylor would catch them. Joss was having none of that, so she took the dish towel in her hand and tossed it behind his neck grabbing the ends, and pulled him down for a kiss. And Taylor did catch them, much to John's chagrin.

Taylor decided to have a little man to man talk with the ex-op that night after John had put Joss to bed. As John emerged from the bedroom, pulling the door closed behind him, Taylor said, "John, can we talk?"

John had a feeling he knew what this was going to be about. "Of course Taylor."

Taylor wasted no time getting down to the heart of the matter. "What are your intentions regarding my mom? You two seem to be really close these days."

John had been expecting this question since Taylor walked in on them in the kitchen. "I'll be honest with you. I love her. I intend to do whatever it takes to make her happy."

Taylor was a bit disappointed since he was hoping his parents would get back together, but he had to admit that John would be a killer step-dad. So he decided to accept John into their lives without fuss.

Shaw picked Taylor up Sunday night after dinner. Before Taylor left, he shook hands with John. "Take good care of her," he said seriously.

"I will," John said somberly, looking the teen straight in the eye.

Taylor nodded, satisfied that John would keep his promise and headed out the door. "See you next weekend!" he called back over his shoulder.

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><p>A few days after Taylor left, Joss came in from sunning herself on the deck to see the table set for dinner with candles and wildflowers and John sautéing something at the stove.<p>

"What's all this?" she asked, surprised.

"Tonight's a special night," John looked up from his pan and smiled at her.

Joss arched an eyebrow as a thrill ran through her body. "What's so special about tonight?" she asked innocently, trying not to get her hopes up.

John paused and looked at her with such a feral look in his eyes that Joss's breath caught in her throat. "You'll find out," he purred in that sexy near whisper of his. Joss swallowed hard while a fire lit in her belly.

"Um, what's for dinner? Smells good," she said, leaning against the counter for support because her knees had suddenly gone weak.

"Baked oysters, asparagus. Chocolate mousse for desert."

"Aren't those all supposed to be aphrodisiac foods?" God help her, the man was trying to kill her tonight!

John gave her the most innocent of looks, but she caught the twinkle in his eyes. "I really wouldn't know," he said smoothly while he smirked at her.

_Bullshit_, she thought. But she was going to go with the flow tonight. She had been waiting for this a very long time now and obviously so had John. Who was she to complain if he decided to go all out for their first time?

Deciding that two could play at this game, she lazily reached over to the plate of asparagus tips sitting on the counter and stole one while John smiled at her indulgently. "I hope I'm strong enough for all this," she commented sweetly while making a great show of licking the Hollandaise sauce off her fingers. She placed her index finger in her mouth and sucked, drawing it ever so slowly out between her sensuous lips.

Her show worked and the smirk was wiped off John's face to be replaced by the feral look again. "You'd better stop that," he said quietly in a low, dangerous voice. "I've fixed you a good dinner and I would hate to see it go to waste."

Joss picked up a glass of wine from the counter. "I am hungry," she said in a languid tone. She took a sip and licked her lips while looking at John from underneath hooded eyes.

"Dinner's ready," John said in a strained voice.

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><p>Dinner was delicious. John had baked the oysters in an herb butter sauce that Joss thought was nothing short of divine. The asparagus was perfectly cooked and the Hollandaise sauce was the perfect complement.<p>

Joss playfully fed John an oyster off her plate and John reciprocated. "You have some butter on you," he said and leaned over to gently lick it off the corner of her mouth. Joss turned her head to capture his mouth in a hot kiss. John pulled back with a loving smile on his face and he fed her again. Joss captured his fork between her teeth and pulled the oyster off sliding her teeth down the eating instrument while running her hand down his arm, her eyes challenging him.

John decided it was time to rise to that challenge. He stood up and held his hand out to Joss. She smiled up at him and took the offered hand. He pulled her gently to her feet and kissed her with a heat and passion that she had never felt from any other man and she gasped. She knew that John was an intense, no-holds-barred man, but this exceeded all her expectations. No one had ever wanted her like this before.

John took advantage of her gasp to slide his tongue into her mouth and explore every nook and cranny. Joss did the same with his mouth and their tongues dueled for a minute. They broke apart, gasping for air. John held her tightly, resting the side of his head on the top of hers.

Joss never felt so cherished in her life. This was a new feeling for her. She was so used to being the strong one, never letting on that she really wanted to be held and loved. It felt good to let go and let someone care for her, to let someone love her. And John had made her feel so safe since their very first meeting all those years ago. She had dreamed of this moment for a long time and it was finally here.

John's hand slid down her back to cup her ass and he ground his hips in hers. She moaned as she felt his erection press against her pelvis. "John, take me to bed," she begged.

John didn't need to be asked twice. He scooped her up in his arms and carried her into the bedroom where he laid her down gently on the bed. He knelt on the bed next to her and slowly removed her clothes while his mouth worshiped the newly exposed skin as he removed each article of clothing.

Joss reached up and pulled John's polo shirt up and over his head. She ran her hands over his muscular chest and his flat abs to his belt buckle. As she undid it and relieved him of his pants, John reached down and captured her nipple in his mouth. Joss moaned with pleasure as his teeth gently teased the tight bud.

John sat back up and studied her for a moment. Her doe eyes, large and luminous were filled with naked desire for him. Her lips were swollen from his kisses. His eyes traveled down her body, past the curve of her throat to the pink scar over her heart that came within a hair's breadth of taking her from him forever. He gently kissed it. It would always be there, but it would fade and become less noticeable.

His eyes took in her breasts with their dark nipples hard and taut, just begging for his mouth to touch them some more. He saw her tiny waist and the curve of her hips. He saw the huge scar on her side from the land mine, and he remembered his terror at discovering she had been severely injured all those years ago. And he saw the C-section scar just above the triangle of her tight curls, the scar that had given birth to her son.

They were all beautiful because she had survived them all.

John began gently rubbing her clit. Joss arched her back and hissed with pleasure and John massaged the sensitive bundle of nerves.

"John... please! I want you… in me… now… oh God!" Joss managed to gasp out.

"Soon my love," John purred at her in his silky voice. All Joss could do was whimper in response.

John settled between her legs and slowly, tortuously began kissing her inner thighs. Joss threaded her fingers through his hair while she moaned with pleasure. Her thighs trembled with need as John's mouth moved closer to her sex.

Finally, John's lips found her clitoris. He reverently kissed it then his tongue reached out and flicked it. Joss's hips came off the bed and he placed a gentle hand on her stomach to hold her down. He smiled and could hardly believe that after all this time he was about to claim what he had been wanting for ten years. What was even harder for him to believe was that she seemed to want this every bit as much as he did.

John ran his tongue around and over her clit while she made little mewling sounds and tried to hold his head. He plunged his tongue into her, tasting her essence. Joss cried his name, but he was beyond listening at the point. All he wanted to do was pleasure her and he went about his task with his usual single minded determination.

Joss was unable to think at that point, only feel as waves of pleasure crashed over her senses. She had wanted this for so long and for once the reality was much better than the fantasy. This was worth nearly dying for…

Joss's orgasm slammed into her body like a Mack truck. She couldn't remember ever feeling this way before. Oh, she'd had orgasms before. She'd had a lot of orgasms, but never this intense, this mind blowing.

As she came down off her high, she looked down at her new lover. John was still between her legs with his head lying on her thigh looking up at her with a smile on his face and so much love in his eyes that Joss could have cried with joy. "Come here," she said softly.

John didn't need a second invitation. He crawled up her body, raining kisses along the way, until he reached her mouth. He kissed her so lovingly, so tenderly that Joss's breath was taken away.

John poised himself at her entrance, the tip of his cock between her folds. He gazed down at the woman who had reached out to a dirty bum in his darkest hour and made him want to live again. Joss reached up and gently ran her hand along his cheek and jaw. He leaned into her touch and closed his eyes.

"I love you, Joss," he murmured, half afraid she would reject his love; even after all they had been through together.

But he needn't have worried. Joss's answering smile could have lit up the entire city. "I love you too," she whispered back.

John entered her then. He set a slow pace, trying to draw the act out as long he could while he savored his new connection to his soul mate. John had never believed in soul mates before, but now that he had found his, knew he had been a fool. He treasured this woman and he swore to spend the rest of his life showing her just how much.

Joss's cries of pleasure brought him back to reality and he buried his face in her neck as he moved faster and faster. They both came together in an explosion of pure bliss that was so intense it momentarily disoriented them with its power. They lay together as they came down off their high.

John realized that he was laying on Joss and probably crushing her. He rolled off, pulling her along so that she was on top of him. She kissed him gently. "That… That was incredible."

John was pleased he had satisfied her so well. He held her tight and stroked her hair as she drifted off into a peaceful slumber lying on his chest. This felt so right, and for the first time in a very long time, he was looking forward to the rest of his life. It didn't matter what life threw at him after this as long as she was in it.

He soon followed her to sleep. and he slept peacefully without nightmares for the first time in a long time.

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><p>John woke the next morning feeling rested and happy for probably the first time since Mexico City. He looked down at the sleeping woman in his arms and smiled with pure joy. Darren McGrady** once told him that someday he would find a home, and he had. His home was with Jocelyn Carter.<p>

John stroked her hair and thought about what the future might have in store for him. John had not allowed himself to think about the future for a very long time. He always thought he would die young and un-mourned, and as such had never dared to think beyond the end of the current mission. When you're pretty sure you don't have a future, you don't waste time making plans.

Right now he knew he wanted to be with Joss forever. He wanted to marry her if he could find a way around that "already declared dead" thing. He wanted to grow old with her.

Joss finally stirred against him. She blinked a few times, as if confused by where she was and who she was using as a pillow. After a few blinks she looked up into the eyes of her new lover and smiled that dazzling smile that never failed to make John weak in his knees.

John tenderly kissed her. "Shall we get up and get started on the rest of our lives?" he asked in a joking manner.

Joss merely smiled a coy smile back at him and then reached up to kiss him again, this time harder and more forcefully. "I think the rest of our lives can wait for a few more minutes," she said in a voice that dripped with desire.

John didn't even have to think about it; she was right. He rolled over on top of her, kissing her for all he was worth. The day could wait a while longer…

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><p>Several weeks later, John stood at the back door of the cabin while he watched his friends and his lover down on the boat dock. He leaned against the door jamb while he watched Fusco, Lee, Taylor, and Shaw all getting into the powerboat. He saw Shaw push Fusco out of the way to take the wheel. Fusco held up his hands in a gesture of surrender and took the passenger seat while Taylor and Lee, laughing, took the back seats. Joss released the lines and Shaw threw the boat into gear and sped off with the boys encouraging her to go faster. Joss stood on the dock and waved; then she turned to walk back up to the cabin.<p>

"What is it with that woman and driving?" Finch grumbled from his seat on the deck a few feet from where John stood. John laughed as he settled into a lounger next to Finch's chair. "It's Shaw, Finch."

"Don't remind me," his employer groused, shaking his head.

Joss walked onto the deck and curled up with John on the lounger. She looked over at Finch who was watching them with a happy smile in his face. "I don't know how to thank you for your generosity, Finch. Recuperating here has been such a blessing."

"It was my pleasure, Detective. I am thrilled you are finally healed enough to return to work on Monday."

John stroked her hair. "We'll both return to work Monday."

Finch sat up straighter, startled. John smirked at the thought that he had been able to surprise the billionaire. "The numbers never stop coming, Harold."

A chuckle escaped the software genius. "I'm delighted Mr. Reese. I had thought the change in your domestic circumstances would bring about your retirement."

John shrugged. "We talked about it and neither one of us is ready to be put out to pasture yet." Joss nodded her head in agreement.

"Very well then. I shall expect you at your usual time, Mr. Reese." Harold settled back into his chair, feeling like everything was right with the world again.

* * *

><p>**Darren McGrady was the number from "Wolf and Cub" (Season 1, Episode 14)<p> 


End file.
